Published February 28, 2008
Iwarned you Burma.
I told you this would happen.
"If the buck stops here"
Then why do your people cry?
Listen, they are coming.
And now you in your room,
The leader, the chosen one,
Must rise to see the blood red tunics,
The men in the street can see you Burma.
They can hear your heart pound in your chest.
The monk, the man, the woman, the child,
Listen, don't you hear them chanting?
And you sit in your chair, and wonder.
Each tear will cause the sea that will rise.
The world is watching you, but they will not help.
They hate you; they alone know the meaning of corrupt.
I warned you Burma.
They are coming.
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140,198 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hmm... very interesting.
Well, aside from what the other three people said, the only thing i could find wrong with it is that you need a comma before direct addresses (i.e. in this case, before Burma.)
Other than that, it's very good.
I think a bit more description could do some good.
I like the rhythm. It's somehow unique, although
"The world is watching you, but they will not help.
They hate you; they alone know the meaning of corrupt." these lines don't really flow.
I would capitalize every line the way you did.
"And now you in your room,
The leader, the chosen one,
Must rise to see the blood red tunics,"
You need a period at the end after 'tunics', not a comma.
"Listen, don't you hear them chanting?
And you sit in your chair, and wonder.
Each tear will cause the sea that will rise."
I really love how these lines sound.
It was interesting. I think I kind of missed the point, but that was okay. I liked it.
*adna*
It belongs just as much in Dramatic. In any case, the forum descriptions are merely guildlines, it would be a mistake to think poetry can be quite so easily pigeon-holed.
So: you have a interesting piece here, very strongly political. It's certainly nice to see a piece with a strong sense of exactly what it means to say - so often poems try to encompass whole slews of emotion in a few lines, but you've managed to pick your topic and get down to it, definitely a positive.
On the other hand, however, I don't like your structure very much. You've got a lot of single sentance lines going on here, and I think makes the poem pretty broken-up and choppy. You need to get a sense of flow and rhythm in there, and for that you need a better application of poetic techniques. Get your meter sorted out, try getting your line lengths a bit more uniform, that sort of thing.
Your use of language is not too bad: you're a bit low on the descriptive side of things, I suppose, which is one area you could work on improving if you feel so inclined. Apart from that, I wish you good luck restructuring it!
Shouldn't this be in Narrative poetry? Since it's telling a story?
Either way, I like it!! =)