What am I?
I am that unforgettable, unforgivable time in the hole between space and reason when nothing I do is wrong, because I am new, and fresh, and I can think of a million better thoughts than you have in your whole life.
I am sixteen years old.
Let's start with the day I realised who I was.
It was the end of another day at school, full of taunting and tormenting, the great churning system where if you trip, you better believe you're going to get trampled on. The bus drove me home to my small seaside town on the very edge of the Scottish hills, where the sea rages like a bad memory, even when you're not there to see it.
There was a great Magpie sitting on the roof of my Parents small cottage, glaring down at my nervous smile and pasty face. It caused me to wonder if the unlucky omen could smell my superstition, like a dog can smell fear. I crossed my fingers and turned up my blazer collar, opening the door.
I knew that there was something wrong the moment I saw my Mother. She wasn't standing in her usual spot, kneading dough and watching television. Both my parents sat at the kitchen table, each wearing an identical look of mingled fear and hurt.
'What’s-'
My questioned was nipped in the bud as a sob issued from my Mother. I froze, mid- way between dropping my bag on the floor.
My Father, stoic to the very end, his peaked cap pushed upwards so that curls of grey hair tumbled down his bronzed face, cleared his throat.
'You'd better take a seat, son.'
I didn’t bother to argue. I was concentrating on trying not to smile, as I always did in a desperate situation. I guess I'm just a nervous person.
'Dad, what is it?' I persisted, not looking at my Mother.
He was silent for a very long time indeed. His grey eyes lingered on my own brown before he reached out and took my shoulder.
'Jared, I don't quite know how to say this, but.....'
'What?'
He sighed like a person taking their last breath
'You're adopted, son.'
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
i just love ur second line.
it was pretty poetic.
it is really dramatic.
i like the way you held the suspense until the very end.
good piece of writing.
I LOVE the second sentence. Its fantastic. Totally true (I am indeed sixteen, although not adopted...that I know of).
I think the ending is the weakest part.
The description in the first couple of paragraphs is awesome ^_^.
Wow. My jaw dropped at the last line. This was nice too. I love your writing. Wonderful job.
Nicely done, though short, it gets the message across to the reader. There were many good metaphores and comparisons involved, of which I did enjoy.
However, my biggest fault that I personally saw with it, was the lacking of emotion I felt at the end. It seemed to come too quick; like the emotion was there, but it wasn't powerful enough to reach the reader. I'll call it the 'Oomph! Factor', and I just didn't feel it.
Elegantly written in a precise and careful style, but still lacking of the Oomph! Factor I feel.
The only suggestion I have as to what could help with my own statement, is to either just insert more feelings into your words (though hard to do and very subconcious for many), or give your characters those emotions. For a nervous person, wouldn't he be more surprised/worried/shocked to come home and find his parents like that...?
Overall, fine work.
I really liked this.
The use of the first person is really good, allowing the thoughts and emotions to come across well.
Please post more..
I really like this piece !! It's well written.
It kind of makes you expect that someone died or fell seriously ill/had an accident, etc. It was a big surprise to find out he'd been adopted!
I like this very much :
What am I?
I am that unforgettable, unforgivable time in the hole between space and reason when nothing I do is wrong, because I am new, and fresh, and I can think of a million better thoughts than you have in your whole life.
It's really well written!!
Keep writing !
Is there going to be a continuation of this short story ??
Xxx Do
OMG! I loved the poetic beginning and then the way that you introduced the trouble. 'They weren't in their usual spots' Pretty damn good. And then I liked how you held out the secret at the very end. Perfect!
Hey, I think I've seen you around YWS a few times. How's it been?
Ehh... I'm not entirely in love with your intro? Does it really relate to your story? *reads story* No... not really.
"Parents" should be lowercase.
"Mother" should also be lowercase. It's not a proper noun when it's possessive -- i.e., "my mother." Same with father.
Anyway... more detail would be nice. More reason to care about your characters. Some emotion, some elaboration on your symbolism -- the magpie one was great, but you didn't really do anythign with it! You definitely need to do some serious elaboration, and throw in some more detail while you're at it.
I mean, you pick up on some lovely threads, but... you don't really do anything with them. It would help if you extended them. So... yeah. That's the base complaint I have. Lengthen this! More detail and elaboration and yummy stuff like that.
Send me a PM if you have any questions!
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
First of all, can't wait to hear more!
Just one thing that always drives me crazy is when parents call their son... son. Not that you have to change that, it's not a real fault with the story. I just felt the need to say something...
"mid-way between dropping my bag on the floor." Something about that phrase doesn't sound right. If you say mid-way between, the should be two things that he's between. Instead say something like, "Half-way through the action of dropping my bag on the floor." Or something like that.
You have really good, unique descriptions. "There was a great Magpie sitting on the roof of my Parents small cottage, glaring down at my nervous smile and pasty face. It caused me to wonder if the unlucky omen could smell my superstition, like a dog can smell fear. I crossed my fingers and turned up my blazer collar, opening the door." Love these lines. But I don't think you need to capitalize 'Magpie' or 'Parents'.
Anyway, this was really good!
*adna*
Very colorful great discription, but unless you add more it doesn't make much sense, you wrote:
"What am I?
I am that unforgettable, unforgivable time in the hole between space and reason when nothing I do is wrong, because I am new, and fresh, and I can think of a million better thoughts than you have in your whole life.
I am sixteen years old.
Let's start with the day I realised who I was."
Let's start, you said, implieing that there is going to be more. And how is the boy a time? And whatd o thoughts have to do with any of it? Too mangled poetic for prose. I also thought it was a girl until you said 'son,' and you might not want that.
Some amazing adjectives, adverbs, verbs-the whole thing!
Great use of alliteration-yet not too repetitive!
Want to know more about this 16 year old.....!
Carry on writing!
You're great x
Hey guys, thanks soooo for taking the time to read this and write reviews. I'm really grateful for all your help and critque, especially as this is my first draft.
And yes, there is more to come.
Thanks again,
Eimear
This story didn't really grip me. I was expecting more action - I like openings to hit the ground running. But I do see the mysterious quality in your buildup.
I found the revelation at the end a little too sudden - perhaps more buildup required?
You can also work on your punctuation. Otherwise, not a bad start.
6/10
I expected the boy's parents to tell hime someone he knew died. Nice surprise, though. Is there more to this?
I adored the beginning of this, really adored it. I just have an issue with how he comes home and this is the first thing they say.
Wouldn't it be slightly better over dinner or something? I don't know.
But as I say, I really loved the start.
Hi,
Excellent job on this piece. Really good writing. There is not much for me to crit. I really wasn't expecting him to be a boy. I thought it was a girl, until the dad said:
This story was really cool. My favorite parts had to be:
I really loved the way you started this. It was amazing. I also liked:
I always smile when I know something bad is going to happen too!
I can't wait to read more.
-lg*
Heya! I came here to crit, but I just loved the way you narrated this:
Really cool repetition there, well done!
'I am that unforgettable, unforgivable time in the hole between space and reason when nothing I do is wrong, because I am new, and fresh, and I can think of a million better thoughts than you have in your whole life.' That was really cool!
'glaring down at my nervous smile and pasty face' more praise!
It is very interesting how someone would jsut randomly come out with that, but I really liked how you used it, brilliant!
Keep writing, I love this!
~D'Aedomir~