The id, the ego and the superego,
with a panoramic view of time.
The under the surface rippling,
a premonition before the crime.
The ticking bomb of a destined fate,
that is, the underprivileged child.
Desires that spell out only hate,
His lawyer absent, his defense, denial.
The shackled hands,
are smoothed with youth
How can he tell lies,
when so ignorant of the truth?
And beneath his hood,
are darkening brows,
That stir the courtroom,
disapproval aroused.
The boy begins to speak,
in battle with an uncouth tongue.
The bluntly uttered syllables,
ricocheted and clung.
'Sir, it wasn't us-
the system let me down'
But the hammer kills the sentence,
despair etched in his frown.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I liked the theme of this, but there were some issues with your rhyme scheme. It was good in the first two, but your meter fell apart in stanzas 3 and 5 (4 was okay). If you're going to rhyme, then the number of syllables of the rhyming lines should match as well as the ending sound. Play around and see if you can get them to work out syllable-wise. If not, you could go free verse.
Also, you have too many commas. They break the flow in odd places and throw off the reader. You don't need one at the end of every line; just put them where you would have to have one in prose. Also, I'd stay away from commas in the middle of the line: those are the worst IMHO.
Not a bad start, but you could take it a step further. Keep writing!