Published February 9, 2009
Catch smoke in your hands!
Make friends with the rain, sing to the big brass moon
start shooting the breeze with life and pretty soon,
It’ll be getting it’s kicks from you.
Why don’t you? Bite the bullet
and darling it’ll be worth it, I swear spread your arms,
sail along on a wind of jingling charms,
somewhere, I know, it’s all waiting for you.
Golden bricks, skies of china blue
where get up and go fuels the people as they go.
They’re the ones who get up and do it don’t’cha know,
It’s just beyond your heaviest doubt, so blow the nightlight out.
Embrace your fear- it hates it when you do that,
follow the rhythm of the greats, if you believe what they say,
honey come with me, I’ll lead you there some day,
bye-bye darkness, hello ‘this is it!’
So why don’t you bite the bullet?
Every one secretly wants to do it,
come with me, I’ll show you a swinging time
bite the bullet of your restless mind.
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139,453 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Very good, yes it does sound like a song! I really liked it, I also liked the metaphores you used, it makes it all more interesting and pulls you in to read more. I do think that in some of the lines you should maybe swap around the words, inversion? It would add to the the whole feeling and atmosphere of the poem, its very beautiful though.
Hey Eimear! I'm dd9. Anywho, here is my critique. If it stinks, my apologizes ahead of time.
I think possibly a comma would be nice after this. It's not essential, but it goes with the intonation that is throughout your poem.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
That was all I could really find grammatically. Good work! I'm uselly doing a lot of grammatical review, but thankful I can actually give some opinion on your poem with the time I've saved!
Okay, let me be honest: I love this. Absolutely love it. I rarely come across a poem I can say that about, but for this, I can. I really enjoyed the way you set up the poem. Though there were some rhymes within it, you didn't follow a traditional set-up. It was a perfect in that aspect.
My only advice is that you go through and make some little changes. There are a few lines that could be improved, but I like them anyway.
So basically, this review was just praise.
PM me with any questions. I'm always willing to help!
-dd9
This is great. Flawless flow and rhythm, and really nice message. Makes me feel happy, so thanks for brightening my day.
The rhyme scheme was consistent and you didn't stray from it, which makes it so much easier to read. I think this would be really good as a song.
Sorry this isn't a great review, but I couldn't find anything wrong with it. Congrats.
Gold star!
Wow.
This was great to read and I love the moderness of it.
It has a lot of truth to it, and you really know how to draw readers in.
My only problem is the rhythmn of it (Sorry I'm not the best speller).
I had trouble getting it, and I still am not very sure what it is.
But if I were you, I'd keep it like this.
The words go together perfectly.
Good work.
I liked the flow of this. I'm glad you kept your rhyme scheme consistent throughout the poem, and the words you used to rhyme didn't feel overly forced like it often can. I love the opening line. My only little nitpick is that I feel that some of the lines need the punctuation switched around or added. Overall, I thought it was very nice.