Markets in sandy places
they trade and make a sale, with coins
that turn rags to riches, with oil and currencies
of diamonds and bullets. A shake of a hand
and the deal is done. That’s just the way,
the real world goes. Nothing in this life is free.
I didn’t know the hard costumer I was
dealing with. I should have been wary of the
verbal contract, when you said ‘sit down’
beside you, but all I saw was you. Just you.
I didn’t see the small print, the
‘love me, completely and show it’
clause in your first needy kiss.
I don’t have fancy marble hall with stock counters
to show depleting figures, an economics degree
or calculator to work out how lame I rank.
Just a body, eighteen years old and already beaten up
but what are salty tears in the face of business objectives
If they just don’t make the cut.
my emotional bank account, it’s in the red.
I don’t even have the business experience
In these fields to pitch ‘I love you’ and convince you
that I mean it. That I was worth the investment.
I owe you
you say.
So take a pound of flesh, if it’ll hold up in your court
I’ll roll up my sleeve in an instant, ready for your knife.
In payment.
Or better still, take this lumpy red organ
which beats in shy devotion to you
rip it out,
if it weighs heavier on your scales.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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This is a very interesting concept for the poem. I'd just like to point out that at times, the similarities between the intimate relationship, and the business relationship that you are showing seems a bit too forced. For instance, based on how you set the poem (with the first stanza), the sudden entry of the word "calculator" to me, feels out of place. I also agree with the poster above, lame is probably not the best word to use in that particular line.
Finally, I really liked the concept and the last two stanzas they were very effective, although I have an eerie feeling that I may have read something similar before.
This is a nice post.
-Tyler
Eimear --
I really like the concept behind this piece, especially how you portrayed a relationship/love as a business transaction. It's a unique take on things, for me at least. I also enjoyed the "clinical" feel of the piece as well. The give and take, the salesmanship. I like this.
However, I question your first stanza entirely. For me anyway, it starts things out on the wrong foot. It makes me think of the middle east and global politics -- which may have been your intention, I don't know. But it doesn't feel right. It sits there on top like a garish and inappropriate hat, and kind of diminishes the rest. I also think that words like "bullets" and "diamonds" and "coins" and phrases like "rags-to-riches" are boring, especially if they're not explained or manifested in new and exciting ways. Ask yourself, is the first stanza really necessary? I like where stanza two starts things. It feels like you were warming up in S1, unsure of what to write, received a much needed brainstorm, and proceeded to take this poem in a completely different direction. Short story: cut S1 out.
Great stanza.
I don't like the use of the word "lame" here. It brings a foreign colloquial atmosphere to the piece. Things may be different between America and Ireland, but "lame" feels too casual for me. I'm sure you could find a different word.
I know you're trying to make connections here, between fiscal matters and heartache/love, but I really don't like this line. "Emotional bank account" sounds like something out of a pop song: mushy and cliche. I'd cut this, too.
I like this, but I'm not sure about it standing alone as a sentence. It kind of threw me off. If you could find some way to connect this to the sentence before, I think it would flow smoother.
Anyway, like I said, great idea, great poem. Just tighten it up a little and you'll have something golden on your hands.
Regards,
-Kylan
Pound of flesh is a typical punishment, it just happens to be used in that because it was the done thing. *Chuckles* But yes, the pound of flesh coming from the heart is reminiscent, but I believe it was just coincedence.
Reeeeeegardless. I was entranced by this poem! The beginning was my favourite part, actually. I love the rich spread of imagery, though I got a little bit sad that it deviated into soemthing that's 'not so much my thing' though it's still very good in its way.
I like how yo uuse your line breaks. It 'breaks it up' but somehow the eye effortlessly flows from line to line. Though I started thinking of 'that's the way the money goes/POP! goes the weasel' at one point.
It's kinda bitter, and I'm not fond of these 'you might as well rip my heart out poems' but I love the running metaphor, and how you describe the heart as a lump, for some reason.
That doesn't get me for some reason. It's TOO clinical - I know that's part of the point of the poem, but I dunno. Just doesn't do it for me, to be frank.
I love that, though.
The rest all very good and I thoroughly enjoyed it! Nice way of expressing an overused theme in anew, refreshing way. Sorry I couldn't find much to improve, it's too good, haha - and that mean a lot, I'm extremely harsh. You earned a star. : D
Have you happen to have read the 'Merchant of Venice' recently? Or at least I believe that's the one...?