z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Egreth- Chapter 1

by EgrethKing


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Chapter 1

THE BEGINNING







“Brayden...” The esoteric voice seemed as if it were everywhere, almost bouncing off the walls, echoing throughout this unfamiliar place. “Where are you Brayden?” Wherever I was, it was bleak and foggy and led me to the point of feeling not just unsettled, but feeling disturbed. Then I heard a horrifying shout.

A piercing scream escaped my lungs as something whooshed past me. I was trembling and frightened. I thought immediately of how I could survive, so I looked around the entire room… Too dark to see anything.I continued spinning, studying for a way out, desperately panicked. I heard someone howl and guffaw behind me… I began to run away too afraid to see what heinous monster was lurking behind me. Suddenly, a croaking laughter arose all around me, encircling me as I stumbled through the fog. I fell down into a fetal position. My hands reached for my ears to stop the boisterous laughter, but to no success; I could still hear the laughter repeating over and over and over again in my mind. I closed my eyes shut and began to wail, “Make it stop! Make it stop!” The laughter ceased; almost as though it was considerate of my feelings. I got up, pleading for it to be over, still with my eyes frozen shut, shaking uncontrollably. Suddenly something unwillingly forced my eyes open, a personage, far enough to see through the fog was standing out there in the obscureness. I saw his face and it consumed my vision: he had fiery red eyes and had black shiny, slimy hair. But the first thing I saw was a crooked smile, where one side of his mouth had an abnormal burn up to the jaw. Raw, crimson muscle was shown paralyzing one side of his mouth to a permanent scar. It was gruesome and atrocious. He stared at me with his piercing eyes. I desperately tried to run, but something seemed to be forcing me or restraining me to be still and at the point of pure hopelessness, he darted toward me!

I had awoken, sweating in my bed, frozen with fear, until I had realized it was another one of the nightmares; I laid there a moment. I sat up slowly, scratched my head, and stretched for a while. I glanced at the clock as my eyes gazed across my room, 8:16 AM; I jumped in frustration and in alarm, I was late for school. Knowing that I would receive an indefinite tardy slip and a possible detention, even if I hurried, I gave all hope up and paced in my room for a little, pondering about the strange man that looked so heinous. I heard shuffling in the kitchen, I dragged myself from where the noise was, a little exhausted from my dream. It was my mom, she was also awake.

“Brayden, I thought you were at school,” She sounded heated but read my tired face with a mother’s intuition. Her flowy reddish-brownish hair was the most noticeable thing about her, it was almost as if it was her signature. Her brown eyes were stern, but at this point mostly compassionate and loving. Her tan skin was soft and smooth and she had a hint of a smile that was trying to hide her fear and worry. She knew about the horrid dreams I would have, and was always understanding. “Have you been having those nightmares again?”

“Yeah, I have. Did Jack leave?” I asked. Jack, my brother, probably did depart for school, but I just wanted to shift the subject.

“Yeah, he did.”

There was a long stiff silence. “So… I better be off to school. Did the bus leave?” I stuttered awkwardly.

“What do you think?” She softly smiled.

“Yeah, it probably did leave.” I hurried over to my hefty backpack, for my school did not have lockers and my backpack had to hold all my school supplies. I quickly snatched a binder that I left on a counter and stuffed it into my bag. I swung my bag onto my back and stumbled over to my mom to kiss her goodbye, “Well, see ya.”

“Okay, love you, bye.”

“Love you, too,” I half-heartedly said.

I headed out into the cool air. It was winter, but I lived in Gilbert, Arizona, where it is usually fuming with heat. I glanced at the few fall-like trees swaying side to side from a cool soft breeze, while the rest of the trees were bare . I saw the bright, blue sky with not a single cloud in the distance, but a radiant white sun rising to its full and shining glory. I looked and saw a flock of geese flying overhead in a v-formation. Even with all the artistry all around me, I could not get the image of the raw muscle from that demented smile out of my head. It was strange how little I appreciated the elegance of a graceful day, but even stranger is how easy it is for typical people to be forgetful of great beauty, until it is gone. I walked for a little bit until I ran into my friend, Kimball. I expected that I would see him, because he was always slow in the mornings.

Kimball was one of those teenagers that was a daredevil, and when I say daredevil, I mean adventurous and risky. He was really sharp academically and socially, but he was a teenager that made a lot of blind and ignorant decisions. He was a year younger than me but in the same grade; he always joked that he was above-average and that I was simple. I was fifteen, almost sixteen, but I did not delude as much as Kimball, after all he was the class-clown.

I called out for him. He turned around. I recognized his dirty-blonde hair and his colorful green eyes. He had an oval-ish face which made his cheek bones slightly more noticeable. His stature and posture were upright, which was accurately due to the fact he was a sociable person. He stood a bit taller than me, but that did not bother me too much. He had a relaxing aroma about him; he was an easy-going person, although loud.

He replied, “What’s up, Brayden,” with a big grin.

“Nothing much…”

“Why are you late?”

“Nightmares. How ‘bout you?” I said; he was my best friend and did know about the nightmares, and I knew he knew that I got uncomfortable with these dreams, so he gladly continued the con- versation.

“Let’s just say, homework.” He smirked.

We talked for some time about random ideas and thoughts, as normal teenagers did. We walked and were, by then, reminiscing about past ex- periences, when we had finally reached the school. We both had different classes, so we departed our separate ways, but as I looked back to ask Kimball a question and saw him wandering back home. “Weird,” I thought to myself. I went to math where most of my friends were. “Sorry, I’m late Mrs. Sodrey,” I smiled.

“Brayden, please take your seat.” She pointed to my seat and gave me a stern eye.

I sat next to my cousin Rachel and next to her was her best friend and my future girlfriend… hopefully, Isy. “Brayden, where were you?” Rachel asked. Rachel's face was a pale color, with a hint of soft pink in her cheeks; she has a small mole on her right cheek bone. Her brown eyes were big with long black eyelashes. She had a slim face and lips but big eyebrows and eyes. She was one of the best artists at our school and was sweet and always considerate.

“I had those weird nightmares, again.”

“How does that make you late?” Isy mocked playfully.

“Maybe I… Alright I don’t know.” I laughed.

They both smirked. Two rows in front of me was my other friend, Evan. He was tall, and slim. He had brown shaggy hair with blonde tips. He had big blue eyes that any girl would fall in love with. He had a few freckles on his face. He was always sticking up for his friends, in other words, his loyalty knew no bounds. He looked back and smiled giving me a thumbs up. I smiled and gave him thumbs up back.

The rest of the period Mrs. Sodrey taught the class about precalculus. After the bell, I walked over to Rachel and Isy. “So, what did you guys think about going to Luke’s Christmas party tonight?”

“Sure, but I’ll have to check with my parents.” Rachel said.

“I should be able to go.” Isy said, but got cut off as the music played warning us our class was about to start in one minute. “I’ll see you guys later!” School prolonged most of the day; it was the same as every day, but interesting.

I was exhausted after the long day. I looked at the clock, 5:46. I wondered if I should go or not; I was tired, but I told my friends I would be there. Well, it would be entertaining; so I decided to go for only an hour or two. I was going to hop into my car, but I realized Luke lived only a few streets down and it was nice outside so I settled I would walk off towards Luke’s house. I was fatigued, but willing to have some fun and my excitement spiked when I entered inside and saw Evan, Kimball, Will, Isy, Penelope, Luke, and Rachel standing in a group.

“Hey guys!” I called.

“Hey!” They all replied.

I walked over to them. “So, how's the party.”

“Great.” Isy said.

“Hey, I'm curious about the dreams you are having.” Rachel told me. “Tell me about them.”

“No, it’s pretty disturbing.” I was a little freaked out when I had a flashback of the hideous smile.

“Oh, it’s one of those dreams.” Kimball laughed. “I love those dreams… like a lot!”

“No! It’s a nightmare, stupid.” I laughed.

“Then tell us.” Luke chuckled.

“Fine!” I smiled, but the smile abruptly left. “It’s about a weird place I visit. There is this freaky person that stands there with an uneven mouth…”

“An uneven mouth?” Penelope challenged shyly.

“Well one side of his mouth is equal or normal, I guess, and the other side is cut up to his jaw. It’s really freaky guys; and then he kills me, but he also doesn't, I guess, because… I always come back.”

“Huh, weird…” Kimball said. There was another awkward silence. Why does it always get awkward after these conversations? I thought.

After an hour of chatting and laughing and having an enjoyable time, someone banged on the door. Luke went over to open the door and smiled. “Hey Tony!” Tony was tall and bulky, he had dark black hair and dark skin. He was handsome, quick-witted, but a jerk. He was extremely strong and arrogant, and was always trying to get under my skin for no apparent reason. I noticed the look on Luke's face of joy when Tony and his friends walked in; I felt an overwhelming sense of replacement as all my friends went to go greet him and his friends. I decided that it was time for me to go.

“Hey Luke, I got to go.” I said in a forged smile. Luke didn't even acknowledge me, which really pissed me off, so I slipped out the back door without any of my friends or Tony noticing me.

I walked in the bitter cold, alone, going back to my house. I was frustrated and felt betrayed. I groaned because of how angry I was; I had decided that I was going to turn around and give them a piece of my mind, but as I was turning I saw a shadow figure in the corner of my eyes. I thought it was just one of those phenomenons that people usually got that felt like someone was watching them. I did not mind it at first, but then it began to irritate me and I turned to face the thing that I thought was my imagination; however, what I saw was not my imagination. There was a figure there and it had white glowing eyes staring at me and it looked like a three-dimensional shadow. I only got a glimpse of it before it faded away into nothingness. I began to pick up my feet to get home because I was stunned and afraid. I had arrived home… safely! I quickly got ready for bed and went to sleep, trying to avoid the image of the shadow figure. I sat there awake for a few minutes trying to explain what I had seen, but all I knew was that I saw something not from this world. My mind began to wander and I fell dead asleep.

I heard movement; I looked where the sound came from, it was a person. He was an average-height or maybe a little shorter than the average man but very strong and bulky. He had dirty-blonde hair and dark blue eyes; he looked about age twenty-eight or older. He looked at me and looked fearful, but confident. “Where the hell did you come from?” He pulled out a sword and put it against my neck with rapid speed. I noticed the sword had a flame to it, it was white and burned my skin, but not as bad as normal fire. He started to put pressure on my neck, when he released, and he lifted up in the air. I looked over and saw the man with the crooked smile again. He was raising his arm, then he clenched his fist and the person with wings started gasping for air. He was choking, I was not sure what to do, so I started to run away… but I froze, I could not move; oddly, my head was being forced to turn. I lifted up into the air and was placed so I could see the murderer.

“Well, I see you’ve reappeared again… Strange isn’t it, being in a world you can’t quite explain. Let me just say: Welcome to hell.” Laughed the man with the crooked smile. I tried to yell, but I could not. “Oh, and I see you have met my friend. His name is Wasp because he’s got quite a sting with that sword. He's probably really confused too.” Suddenly my head turned to the person named Wasp. He was not choking anymore, but he was in mid-air. He was also frozen, “Wasp, now tell me… Who is this stranger?” Wasp was frozen, except for his hand, (which looked like his hand was resisting the force that was holding him and I) he would not reply though. “Tell me Wasp!” He yelled in an outrage, with a sudden personality change.

Wasp remained silent, but I saw his hand suddenly shift to his sword and with a very quick movement putting his glowing sword horizontal from his body which seemed to compel the force away from him unfreezing him and let him instantly fall from at least seven feet; however, he landed perfectly. Wasp ran right for the man with the crooked smile. He stood there, tilted his head forward as though he was concentrating, but looked at me with that sinister smile. I suddenly unfroze and fell to the floor. I was unable to get up because I was weak and dizzy. I somehow knew he was hurting me. I slowly started seeing everything fade…

I yawned in exhaustion, and I wondered how I got on the couch. Then I remembered I didn’t fall asleep on my bed. I stood up in the pitch-black darkness to get a drink of water in the kitchen. I flashed the lights on. Abruptly, I saw a body hanging from my ceiling slowly turning around to me. I stood there in dread; frozen in fear, even too afraid to scream. I heard that same devilish demented laugh. It turned around and it was the man with the crooked smile. Then it started to jolt, and the laughter grew louder. I started to wail and scream and fell and scooted back. I was petrified. I closed my eyes, hoping someone would rescue me from this terror. I felt arms wrapped around. “Brayden, what’s wrong?” I looked up. It was my eleven-year-old sister, Bella.

My dad came running in. “What’s wrong, is everyone okay?”

“Can’t you see it! It’s right there…” My lips trembled as I pointed.

My dad glanced at where I had pointed then glanced back at me then looked again. “What was there?” My dad said more lovingly and less in a panic.

I looked and it was gone. I slowly got up with the help of my sister, because I was shaking and weak. “It was there… A hanging body.”

“Brayden, I am going to find help, you need to see someone.” Dad said.

I had calmed a little and asked “Like who?”

“I don’t know.” He said worried.

I got up and slowly walked to my room. I laid awake for most of the night, but unknowingly fell asleep.

There was light. I saw people in chains linked up together working like slaves for miles on a mountain and in a valley below, noticing behind me there were also people because of loud drilling noises and talking, seeing I was on the edge of a cliff, I turned around cautiously. There were people behind me, more unobliged workers that were moving carts and material in and out of a cave such as wood and metals and something I did not recognize. The iteam unfamiliar to me looked like a glowing metal and it appeared to be a clear, silver rock that glowed; the slaves were not carrying it and were using peculiar gloves to hold it; but there was one feature I did recognize, the white fiery glow and flames. It was the same as the sword I had previously seen. Oddly enough, the mountain was bare with no wildlife or trees; it looked like they were all cut down. I was a little nervous to walk towards the cave because of my previous dreams, but curiosity got the best of me. As I paced slowly to the cave, I observed how realistic the dreams were becoming and how my memory kept up with the dreams. I did not know where to go, so I walked over to a slave, “What’s going on? Why are you chained up?” I asked bravely to an elderly man.

“We are always like this, all my life we ‘have and will be forever.” The other man closer to me said. He seemed so depressed and hopeless. As I listened to his utter sorrow, I saw behind him, through the corner of my eye I focused on him and saw a man dressed like a futuristic soldier whipping a person in rags. The slave was in silent agony. For some reason the pain in others afflicted me, I had never felt so compelled to help him, but I had by then also realized this was a dream and had nothing to lose.

“Hey,” I blared, everyone was looking at me but continued working mindlessly, "Who do you think you are!” Fury raged like a fire in me. I jumped over the chain and walked over to him. “Who do you think you are?” I tried grabbing the whip, but he pushed me back.

He had a black mustache and hair. He fiercely fought back. “I will arrest you if you don’t stop under my authority!” He blared. I didn’t stop though. Suddenly he leaped at me with a surge of energy, he punched me in the face, and I fell to the floor. I was surprised to actually feel such vivid pain; however, I was even more surprised when I didn’t feel pain in my back from the whip. I looked up, in fear, and saw the guy who was being whipped; fighting with other people against the officer. The workers were hitting the soldier with their chains. Someone then got a key, from the unconscious officer, and began to unlock people's shackles. Everyone was then tying the officer up, when some soldiers came in flying vehicles and arrested some people. They began to shoot some people, who continued to retaliate, with guns shooting a bright yellow beam. Suddenly, a siren went off and more units of soldiers began to arrive. Most people were still fighting, but some coward against the face of death. I began to cower. Fear consumed me. I started to run, but two soldiers started to chase me down. I began to run down the mountain, sliding down the mountain side until I got down to the valley. I was out of breath and turned to view if they were still chasing me; at first I did not see them but then I saw one turn the corner. I was at the edge of a forest in the valley that seemed like it was still being cut down for something industrial; I sprinted through the forest, jumping over brush and logs. Suddenly, they stopped running and turned back the other way. I stopped, out of breath and put my hands on my knees out of exhaustion. I saw one point to a tree then the soldier handed him something. He then flicked his finger at the object then dropped it in the ground. The ground lit up… fire! I began to sprint again.

The light from the fire burned my eyes and the smoke made it hard to see some other fugitives in the forest as well. They were running in the opposite direction as me. I saw behind them the same smile from the dreams as I have had previously. I did not know what to do, die by fire or by torture! I ran to the left of me thinking I could escape both, but there was a fire over there as well. I turned behind me, which was to the right before. Fire over there… I looked up to the starry sky pleading to God. But the sky was filled with something colossal , there was a massive floating moon with spikes on it, but was it a moon? It was glowing with artificial lights and a tip of a spike pointed at me, began to glow. Then a bright light lit u[p the sky, almost brighter than the sun. The white light got closer and closer; same as the fire. I looked over to where the man with the smile was. He smiled at me heinously, then snapped his fingers and vanished. I looked at the up again and there was a beam, right in front of me. It stunned me and I felt an awful burning feeling as it pushed me down to the ground with immense force; smashing me flat against the floor. My vision could only see piercing white light.

It was morning; I had woken up from the bothersome alarm that continuously buzzed. I was extremely fatigued even from sleeping eight hours. It was as if the running and fighting had made me tired from the dream. This time I made it to the bus, barely. On the bus, there was someone I had not recognized, a new student. I went to my seat that I always sat at and began to talk with Evan. “Hey where’d you go at the party?”

“I was tired.” I said blankly. Evan could tell something was the matter but did not want to pressure me, I could tell from the way he started up a new conversation. When we arrived at the school, I felt much better but still sleepy. I was in math studies, when I began to fall asleep. I tried to keep my eyelids open, however, I could not keep them open. My eyelids drooped and felt extremely heavy and before I knew it, I had slipped into another deep sleep.

It emerged that I was in the woods, well there was not much left of it for about five miles around me, almost to the horizon. However, I could see a lot of woods far ahead of me. I began to walk that direction; I started walking during the day and the blazing sun smoldered my skin. There was ash mostly everywhere on the floor from the burnt wood, so I had to be careful of where I stepped. I continued until I got to the living woods. The shade cooled me off, I wondered to myself of what I should do.

I looked up to the sky for inspiration and saw smoke up in the sky; it was not a forest fire, although. I settled that I should head to where the fire was. I scurried over to the fire. I saw a small camp, but not a slave camp. It looked like a camp to train soldiers. I was hiding behind a wooden tree, my curious eyes gazed around the camp. I saw a figure and squinted at it; I recognized him from a previous dream, it was Wasp.

It looked like he was barking orders at the soldiers. I noticed some tents. They were camouflaged and fully covered with no openings, besides the front which were zipped up. I inspected the camp, even closer; I was wrong; it was not a coaching military camp, it was a hospital. There were soldiers, however there were more injured from the fire and slave camp. I then remembered that when I was by the ash, I could not see the slave camp, because of the depth and brush of the woods. I stopped staring at the camp while I was pondering these thoughts, but suddenly I heard a loud yell, “Hey!” I glanced back and saw a soldier had seen me. “This is a strictly prohibited area. Come here!”

I did not know what to do, so I froze. The guard had begun to walk over to me. I looked back at the desolate, dead forest. I knew if I ran over there, he would have an excellent chance of shooting me. I was grabbed, however, before I could make a decision. “Are you a spy!”

I remained silent, because of my unsurity.

He pulled my arm back; it was painful, so I began to struggle.

“I need assistance, over here!” Yelled the guard.

Two more guards showed up. They pulled me back into the tent and tied me to a chair. One guard was whispering to a soldier, I could barely make out these few words: “Go get the general.”

The soldier walked out and then Wasp walked in. At first glance he stared at me with a curious awe. He began to pace, with his hand up to his chin. After a minute of pacing and looking back and forth between the ground and me, he finally pulled up a chair and asked, “Tell me, how old are you?” He started to pour what looked like alcohol into a glass.

I remained silent.

“You know, I’m startled too, about y-”

“Sixteen.” I bursted.

“Young, I see.” He paused and then he casually continued, “So you’ve come back from the dead.”

“What? This is a dream…”

“So, you may think.”

“What?” I scowled.

He turned to a guard, beckoned him to come over, and whispered something in his ear. The guard walked out. “Listen, I don’t want to sound too harsh, but this better not be a damn joke.” His tone quickly changed to a dangerous mood. “This is a war and we cannot waste time.”

“What are you talking about?” I whimpered.

“I guess you’re not lying…” The guard walked in and handed him a silver scroll. He opened it and a bright silver light filled the room. “I assume you can read.” He handed me the scroll and I read:

“‘I know that you are still infuriated that I have left the war. However, I can assure you words of peace: A hero of honor and skill will come to you from, what he will call, a dream. This hero may be destined to die, to redeem, to betray, to save; only time can tell. Wasp, this boy will become your King, he will fight by your side. You must find his staff to restore his full power; do this before Crooked or he will die. He cannot die by physical harms, but by magical harms. He will die in both worlds: Egreth and his home world. Protect him with your life. I know Wasp that you feel alone in this war, but soon you will not be. Over the years of my life, I can tell you wisdom that I have learned, wisdom I hope you will trust. People are never alone; I was never alone even in the darkest of times. I hope you can forgive me for leaving you. There are personal matters between my past and I that I must deal with. Wasp you are brave, stay true to the path of your beliefs. Do not give into Crooked’s words, they are lies.

Sincerely,

Lyte’”

I was shocked…

Could this really be true? Is this not a dream? If so, where am I? I wondered. Wasp could tell I was done reading from the perplexed look in my face. “You’re done, now, tell me; are you that boy?” I looked at him unsure of what to say. This news had come so fast and I was baffled and also in denial. Wasp waited patiently. “Unsure of what to say. That’s okay, I wasn’t sure of what to say either when my father died, and I had to take the role of General.” He looked at me in the eyes as though he was staring into my soul. “I know you cannot die. I have seen it, that is why we set up camp here; we hoped that you would find us here.” He looked down. “We need to go, however, because we camped in plain sight and if they find us… we’re all dead.” I could not tell if I could trust him, but I nodded. He instantaneously got up and gave me a hand up. I grabbed it. He lifted me up. And so, my journey began with Wasp and the rebellion.


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49 Reviews


Points: 661
Reviews: 49

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Tue Aug 24, 2021 3:38 pm
Otterpop wrote a review...



Hey there! Noticed this has been in the Green Room a while, so I'm here with a review for ya!

The first thing I noticed is the first-person POV; it's certainly not used very often in fiction (even I've only used it for only one of my own stories!), but you seem to manage it relatively well. I see Vervain noticed something similar with some instances where the protagonist perceives the thoughts of others even though they technically shouldn't, but luckily for the most part you don't do this. Still something to think about when writing future chapters!

The change from supernatural demon dream to regular day school was jarring and unexpected, but I'd say that works in your story's favor! It gives it more intrigue and mystery even in the first bunch of paragraphs. You also have some solid descriptors across your work which is always something that I appreciate seeing, whether it's the environment or the characters. And then the change to a strange environment later on in the chapter was not quite so jarring but did intrigue me a lot and made me curious about potential later chapters. Particularly the end of the chapter seems like a repeated formula that other writers have messed with (the protagonist being a secret savior character), but there's enough uniqueness with the story and the world so far that it doesn't feel quite so repetitive, if that makes sense.

There are some things I'd like to point out as well that I think you might be able to improve. The story in general initially flows fairly well, but most of the rest goes by way too fast. This chapter could easily have been broken down further into more chapters. You don't want to introduce all kinds of characters and concepts too fast in a story otherwise your reader will be confused.

The dialogue in some instances also did not flow very naturally, and I couldn't get much of a sense of the characters, in part because there were so many in such a short period of time and also because most of the conversations were quite brief. I might think about rewriting some of the dialogue to help yield more information about certain characters. Using dialogue to reveal character information or story information is also something to consider since using it in exposition like you do sometimes can come across as a little boring to some readers. For example:

Her tan skin was soft and smooth and she had a hint of a smile that was trying to hide her fear and worry. She knew about the horrid dreams I would have, and was always understanding. “Have you been having those nightmares again?”

You could delete the second sentence entirely and you'd still be able to get the point across with the mother knowing about the dreams, and insinuate that she is caring and understanding from seeing that she asked the question at all. Readers can be quite smart and come to conclusions on their own a lot without writers explicitly stating the information all the time! Took me a while to realize that myself.

There are a couple of other small points that I did notice throughout the chapter that I'd like to emphasize as well:

I saw his face and it consumed my vision: he had fiery red eyes and had black shiny, slimy hair. But the first thing I saw was a crooked smile, where one side of his mouth had an abnormal burn up to the jaw.

You mentioned that the first thing your protagonist saw was the crooked smile, and yet you talked about the fiery eyes and hair first. This seems slightly contradictory and could probably be rewritten to prevent too much confusion with how you've structured it so far. You also use a lot of adjectives to describe the hair (black, shiny, and slimy); you might need some more punctuation, or a slight bit more description of this particular feature so that it may flow just the slightest bit better.

I had awoken, sweating in my bed, frozen with fear, until I had realized it was another one of the nightmares; I laid there a moment.

I think this single sentence could have been expanded a bit more to built on some tension even though technically in the moment of the story it was fading away. Just a personal preference mostly, but the story could potentially have benefited from such.

“Fine!” I smiled, but the smile abruptly left. “It’s about a weird place I visit. There is this freaky person that stands there with an uneven mouth…”

Yes, it abruptly leaves, but the fact that he smiles almost seems to undercut the tension and unease from the very beginning of the chapter. You could take this out, or perhaps explain why's he's feeling the way he is; perhaps he's smiling to cover up just how scared he is?

I noticed the sword had a flame to it, it was white and burned my skin, but not as bad as normal fire.

Am I correct to assume that he's actually touched a flame at least once in the past? Because the second part of the sentence heavily implies that. If this is not true, you might need to reword this before your reader might assume the wrong thing. But if it is true, it adds some interesting mystery about your protagonist.


Sorry if this seems so long! There are some strong points you seem to have but there are plenty of points where you might be able to improve a little. I'm not trying to discourage you at all, and I hope you don't see this review in that way. You've definitely got potential, and technically you don't have to do anything with my suggestions! But keep on writing and I sincerely hope you enjoy doing so!




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425 Reviews


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Wed Jul 21, 2021 5:16 am
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Vervain wrote a review...



Hey Egreth! It's been a while since I left a review on anything, so I might be a little rusty. Thanks in advance for your patience with me!

First off, I want to applaud you for attempting first person; it can be a tricky POV to work with in the best of scenarios, demanding you be so deep in the main character's head that you can only perceive things from their eyes (and ears, and nose, and...).

Importantly, using first person means that your main character -- unless they're a magical empath -- can't definitively declare what other people in the narrative are feeling or thinking. That's a line that I see crossed often by multiple writers who attempt first person and mistakenly apply a sort of "omniscient" point of view to their main character. It's easier to achieve that in distant third person, where you can head-hop and change points of view as need be.

I mention that because I see a few points in this chapter where you have your main character perceive the thoughts or definitive feelings of others. While people do make assumptions about what others are feeling, we can't know for sure; while Brayden may speculate or assume, if his assumptions are treated as 100% true and correct by the narrative, that means he's either a very good cold reader or the narrative is biased in his favor.

May I also mention that I am an absolute sucker for a good portal fantasy. I love using other worlds as conceits and as plot devices, and I'm especially a fan of playing with Chosen One tropes and storylines. I'm excited to see where you take that, especially given the letter that Wasp gives Brayden near the end of the chapter.

I do think that a lot of the chapter could either be cut or split into multiple scenes -- take some more time to set up the strange nightmares Brayden has been having, and you get the reader more invested in his plight and the mystery. Take more time to set up the conflict in Egreth, and the reader will better understand where Wasp is coming from, and the place that Brayden stands in this conflict. I found that the pacing in this chapter was alternatively far too slow (setting up Brayden's home life) or far too rushed (setting up a whole war, and also various conflicts including being literally punched in the face, which... I feel should have had a more visceral response from a teenager). It might take a bit of elbow grease, but I think it would do you well to take a look at the general pacing of the work.

Excited to see where you take this! Keep writing!
Riel





See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. Ask for no guarantees, ask for no security.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451