Published June 29, 2010
I look up into the night sky,
Gazing in such fright.
I try to scream out,
But all you hear is a mans battle cry.
Who's is it, I ponder
The sound wraps around my mind.
I feel on my feathered wings and try to fly,
But a tight rope is holding me by.
All of the sudden I feel a sharp pain and,
Do I feel a tugging on my veins?
I look left, look right, trying to figure out what to do,
But all all the sudden I notice a lonely mans shoes.
I slowly look up and up away my sight goes,
But it's too late and I wish I haven't chose.
I see the mans face so evil and wicked,
Then all of the sudden I heard him...He snickered!
I am afraid, very afraid,
I wonder if anyone will meet my same fate.
My hope rose again when I looked to my side,
Because once I did I saw another mans eyes.
Full of fear and confusion I knew he knew as I,
Because he looked at me and mouthed to me "why?".
It was based on self pity,
I now have just learned.
We were about to die I could not lie,
I saw our wings on the table with the soon-to-be-dead fly.
Without our wings we were not longer counted as humans,
Just burdens even in the long-lost ruins.
Tears soon began to fill up in my eyes,
I felt as if I was about to cry.
I looked into the empty space,
Longing for the wind all on my face.
I looked away then from the table for an instant,
But when I looked back I saw something different.
My wings white and so full of perfection,
Were now dripping in purple devastation.
Permanent I hope not,
I will have no valor in my heart.
Purple; a color that represents almost nothing,
But then who am I to think I am worth something.
It fits my description,
And I could tell the killer thought the same by his facial expression.
A killer indeed,
I could tell he was not planning good deeds.
He looked from me to the man and grinned happily,
Then he did something unmercifully.
Again, yes once again, I woke up from a nightmare,
But why do I see a purple wing on a plater thats scarefully rare?
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Hey,
Guess what!
It's Poe in a poem. I love it.
~Retro Disco666
Hi There!~
So, I think it was interesting poem, but I got a little lost at the part about the wings and the table...Maybe you could try explaining what's happening a little better?
Now, this is a really tiny mistake, but I'm a grammar freak, so I feel that that I should point something out ^.^
"Who's" is the same thing as "Who is." Now, I'm pretty sure for this sentence you were questioning who made the battle cry, in which case it should be "whose." Sorry, this was probably kind of annoying, but like I said, me and grammar are tight, and I need to correct people when they use it incorrectly. ^.^
Overall, it was well-worded and the emotion was strong, but the fact that I was completely confused when it came to the wings kind of ruined it for me.
If you have any questions about anything I've said, feel free to PM me.~
It's beautiful. Beautiful, sad, deep, and well written. You did a superb job. Although I am obligated, as an honest person, to tell you that you are not completely consistent thet whole time. Just revise a couple of the stanzas, and then it will all run smoothly. Great job! 9/10
Hi, there.
You have a very interesting poem here: it's nice and regular with stanzas of four lines. I felt like you were aiming for an aabb rhyming pattern, but it wasn't really consistent for the whole poem. I might try working with that a bit so the poem sounds more even in that regard.
As for subject matter, I might try clarifying what exactly your characters are. Are they birds? Human? Part of both? I was a little confused.
I think you are off to an excellent start. Some editing would help to define your poem a bit more, if you are so inclined.
Keep writing!
--Glim