Published April 12, 2008
Love wasn't abolished.
It was bloody made in sheer fantasies of bloody unions.
Love wasn't reaped.
It was bloody forever sown to dwell in the abyss of Damnation.
Love wasn't said.
It was bloody shown to every bloody forging mystery a soul could be.
Love wasn't within reach.
It was drowning in my misery when i should have killed you.
Love wasn't for me,
And it bloody damn wasn't for you.
R.I.P to you.
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140,871 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
This is an okay poem, imho
the only thing that turns me off is all the anger and resentment towards love. That's a personal thing though. Maybe expounding on the why you feel that way could make it better.
lol. This is a very, uhmm, mad poem I can say.
I can feel the emotion here and clearly it's anger.
Anger of someone who's highly intellectual like [s]Jeremiah[/s] NOBODY. Ahem.
Uhh, I like it because the one who is angry here really expressed the emotion he feels.
This is BLOODY AWESOME, cuz.
Very good.
Uh keep writing.
Don't forget to put the Epilogue on ya know.
Nice break up poem. I see tons of angst and depth. You can just see this person that is thorugh with this bad reationship. It has a feel of uncomfort to it. I loved it.
Hi there, Echolair.
“Love wasn't abolished.
It was bloody made in sheer fantasies of bloody unions.”
- Here, I can tell, you’re using “bloody” in the sense of the swear word. Although I like the idea of “It was bloody made in the fantasies of the murdered” – Or something like that were it’s no longer a swear word, but “bloody” in the traditional sense.
“Love wasn't reaped.
It was bloody forever sown to dwell in the abyss of Damnation.”
- “bloody should no longer be here, the repetition isn’t needed, even to show aggravation. The repetition of “love wasn’t” is already taxing. I would suggest altering the lines to something that evens the two lines “Never reaped, but sown/in the abyss of Damnation” – it keeps your initial idea but is a little more creative in wording.
“R.I.P to you.”
- Is this part of the poem? I’m not sure I like it, as it doesn’t seem to fit at all, really with what theme I can piece together.
This needs quite a bit of work. First of all, the excessive language isn’t necessary. Sometimes using forceful language, such as this, can be effective for the right reasons, at the right time. You have neither, here. It’s too strong, and too much for your poem. I would suggest taking it *all* out. Your poem will be better off for it.
The repetition is an issue. It’s grating and uninteresting. One gets sick of it quickly. You also have a lot of words that don’t need to be here. Your imagery is strong, and most of the words you use reflect that, it makes the poem seem full to bursting by the end, a simpler and calmer approach would be most effective for you.
While the anguish and disappointment in love is rather overdone in poetry I think the basis of this has good potential. You’ve a start, you just have to work on showing us a bit of the “why” it happened, why it’s so awful and whatnot.
Luck with this. If you change it at all, please Pm me, I’d love to read over it.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Clearly, you need to read more. This (I'm afraid) isn't poetry. It's idea you never touched. It's more like a skeleton than an actual poem, sure there is emotion, but you need more. After about two lines I got bored of repitition and moved on to critique. And it's preachy, doesn't even tell us why! Just states ideas. You need to trash this or actaully use this skeleton to write a poem. Overall: You need re-read some poetry, famous or some more better ones here like Incan, Suzanne, Snoink ect. Here's some help: Click Here!
Plus the idea not all that original, so unless ya can give an original slant on this, just start afresh.
Good luck
VSN
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Listening to: Nickelback - Animals
via FoxyTunes
Ooh, anger...
lol
I don't like the two bloodys.
Perhaps it would look better like this:
I don't understand what you are trying to say. And again, I don't really like the two bloodys
I like this verse.
And this is a good ending.
I enjoyed reading this.
Work on the repetition, besides that, I give this poem 8/10
Peace V