Broken Guitar
The broken guitar leans lonely against the mantel piece,
It can’t wish upon a star; the sky is nowhere in sight,
It once had a soulmate, who spent many happy times,
Cold nights, and together, witnessed the northern lights.
The two were inseparable, until its master became unrepairable,
He no longer strummed the strings that held his emotions;
No longer sang the chorus that kept his dreams alive,
Every sunny day was clouded; every rainy day black.
The broken guitar leans lonely against the mantel piece,
Remembering every emotion felt long ago,
The tear drops that struck its strings; happiness that filled his veins,
And the dread that fueled his fright.
The broken guitar, has nowhere to go,
His tormented master no longer paces to and fro,
Never will there be a sound from it again,
Neither happy nor sad, without its closest friend
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,080 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hey! Hey! Hey!
I am grateful for this. Seriously, I'm not a lyric-writing poem or songs. Because when I try to write one when I am at school, I think it was a mess. Like my mind sometimes. I dont even know how to express myself into a song. But yours, wow. It's great.
Happy Review Day to you!
I'm back and ready to review your awesome poem!
Okay this is a great poem and i really love how you actually express the perspective of the guitar.
I think this one is a great prom and i think you should make this as a song. I think this will connect to most of your readers and other people. And it might inspire most of us out here. Okay I'm just gonna express what my thought about this poem...
Are you ready? Well now then! Lets begin!
The opening is quite good to be honest with you. You already express the broken guitar description. I like the line here: "The broken guitar leans lonely against the mantel piece,
It can’t wish upon a star; the sky is nowhere in sight,
It once had a soulmate, who spent many happy times,"
Aw, this one really is one of my favorite line of the poem!
I think I already get what's the poem is telling me and the other readers here. I think when the guitar was still as good as new. The guitarist or the owner of the guitar still love it and handle it with care. Like both of them are the closet friends. Just like what you say in the poem. But now that the guitar is well now a broken guitar. The owner of it, didn't even bother to look at it. As he can't even play it. So he stop trying to find a way to fix the guitar and bought a new one.
So its really depressing and sad but also touching people's heart.
It's like it was also symbolizing what couples feel about one another. You know what I am talking about already. Like when the couple start to get bored on one another they will leave each other and leave the other one depress or alone or something like that.
I like the poem. Good job!
Thank-you so much for the review! As for making it into a song, I have a melody in my head started but nothing too fancy yet. Maybe someday!
The story inside the poem was a little bit different...but that`s ok! It was probably my fault for not writing it more clearly. The guitar is actually not broken (it was more metaphorical, like his spirits were broken). It was the man who became physically unable to play and then his mind left him completely. He forgot about the guitar and so the instrument was left watching the man slowly lose his mind and it broke it`s heart.
It can though symbolize the couples feelings, you were right. Like if the husband was mentally gone and the wife had to watch this torture happen to him, not being able to do very much for him.
I hope this wasn`t too confusing! I`m glad liked the poem though, and I hope to make it into a song.
Thanks!
Rose
Your welcome! I understand that the poem was a little different from my point. It doesn't confuse me enough. Keep it up as always.
Hi, EccentricRose!
I'm no expert in lyric-writing (and I'm about as musical as my dog) so instead of giving you suggestions on how to improve your piece, I just want to highlight a few things that really resonated with me and that I think will really connect you to your readers. Also, be warned. It's going to be a line-by-line review this time.
Ready? Okay, let's do this!
I love this first line. You begin with a picture, clear and vivid in my mind's eye. Stark and yet... voluble. Great.
The subtle rhyming in this line (guitar and star) really ties the first two phrases together. But what's really masterful here is the phrase "the sky is nowhere in sight". Suddenly, you've personified the guitar. You've made it, essentially, "blind".
This line is a very nice supporting detail. Adding "soulmate" further personified the guitar and the second phrase allow you to carry out the metaphor with even more depth. *Couldn't resist giving one suggestion*
One thing I think you should think about, though, is that "northern lights" and "sight" (I don't know if it actually is) sounds like a forced rhyme. You can replace one of those words with something a little more subtle, like "stars burning bright[ly]" Just a thought.
Wow. Really. This section is amazing. My favorite phrase in the whole song is "no longer sang the chorus that kept his dreams alive". It both enhances the metaphor of the piece and continues the story.
Again bringing us to the image of the guitar leaning on the mantel piece. This really helps tie the poem together.
I love this section, further personifying the guitar and making us, as listeners and readers, truly identify with it. Great. One thing, though. Maybe you want to go one step further and replace the "its" with "his", to be consistent?
I can just imagine this soulful chorus blaring from some heartbroken lover's speakers. Perfect ending to a perfectly portrayed image.
Keep writing. I look forward to your other work!
IronSpark
Thanks so much for the review, it has encouraged me a lot!
I am glad you mentioned how in a few of the lines I wrote "it" as well as "he." I was wondering if it would sound out of sorts to a reader and now I know that it has!
What I was trying to say in the poem, was how the guitar felt the tear on its strings but the emotions (fear, happiness, etc...), weren't that of the guitar's but the man. If it is too confusing and you think I should change it all to "it", (especially since the emotions did eventually become the guitar's since it was passed on to him from the man.) But if you think I should mention somewhere in those lines that it was the emotions of it's friend/master, I will. I've been trying to play around with different ideas but haven't figured it out yet. Do you have any ideas of what I should do?
I hope this wasn't too confusing. ANd thank again for the review!
~Rose
No way was it confusing; I'm just nitpicky!
As for the "its" vs. "his", either's fine. It's 100% your choice. Whatever you decide, I'm sure it's going to be great.
I'd love to read more of your work!
Hey, Rose!
) I know that feeling you get when you play. Now I'll be looking over at my guitar wondering if it is lonely xD.
When I first read this song, I loved it! Considering I am learning the guitar, (as you well know...I think I broke your eardrums a few times
I love how this song is from the guitar's perspective. It makes it original and unique. I haven't seen any other song like this. I'm going to have to go through your notebooks and read the rest of your poems! It was that good. I'm sure you wouldn't mind that, eh?
Keep up the awesome work!
Fire
haha Don't worry, my ear drums were already broken from my own playing. And besides, I've broken your ear drums millions of times with my off key singing.
Thanks, I wrote this during one of my times I wished I could still play guitar the way I used to.
True, true
.
This is awesome Rose! You have talent! <3