Published January 2, 2008
Why, I'm going crazy
Dreams in black and white
My dead end senses
See, hear, suffer
(Imagine?)
A kiss in my sleep
Here it is
My crazy dark love
Why won't you see
I say it again
Scream, feel, suffer
(For me)
Dreams in black and white
Never color only grays
Long, slow kiss
And I'm gone
~I know the parentheses are weird, it doesnt have crap for grammar, and there is nothing remotely resembling the infamous Purpose. Oh well. And since you asked, it's about love. A lost love and regrets.~
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140,607 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
I got the idea, it was entertaining, but the brackets distacted me.
Also in the first few lines it seemed as if it should rhyme so I think that might make it better.
It was nice to read but just make it longer and change the rhythm.
Well, I thought this was great! I only have three comments/suggestions. One:What was that "[pre]" for? That was the only one I didn't get. Two: there should be a comma between "Never color, only grays." And Three: I'd expand on it a little more, there's plenty of room too, or maybe that's the point? Bah, IDK.
One thing many people don't like is how when in a piece, there isn't a clear meaning to be taken from it. I personally enjoy it, as long as one CAN be drawn and the piece doesn't appear to just be thrown together with random lines. Of all the poetry I've read here, so far, I think this one is my fav. Great job! Keep writing@
Okay, well... I don't know what that was. It seemed to lack purpose, as much purpose as a poem can have.
You use of backets as asides was distracting, and wasnt used in a way that indicated a theme. It seemed so short and without all those elements of poetry I so love.
I think if you added in some metaphors, and some description mixed with a few more words, you might have something here. I like the "dreams in black and white" and some other lines, but you dont expand on their ideas. I think if you went back and had a look at those line and expanded them you might be getting somewhere.
Such as with the dream, why black and white? Is there a reason you thought of dreams first? how doe sit connect to the rest of your poem. Consider the meaning in each line, and then work accordingly.
I understand the meaning of the poem, and I think with some work it could be really good.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.