Published December 8, 2010
THE ZENITH
INTRODUCTION
1 Year Ago
The night had just darkened on most people’s favorite day of the year. Christmas, it had snowed and the moons rays past an iridescent glow on the out side of a deep green house. The walls reflected the holidays with bushes surrounding the house decorated with small multi-color lights and beautiful big red bows. The interior was for the most part the same except it had the most joyous smell that wafted through the house. The smell was the unmistakable homemade food. Not just any food but the food people including this family saved for the holidays. Turkey, pumpkin pie, fresh bread, etc. you know the works.
“Kris” called a reluctant voice,” dinners done.” “Here I come,” two voices responded simultaneously. At the same time two people entered the kitchen only seconds after finishing their words. One was a man in his mid-thirties and the other a boy just reaching his teen years. The family sat and enjoyed the meal that the mom had slaved over all day. As they finished they retired to the living room where a fire was burning in the fireplace. The boy took a pick from a rack and stoked the fire. He then settled on the couch with his family and slowly but surely was lulled to sleep by Christmas music that drowned out all the other noise, except a light allmost unsure knock at the door. the knock belonged to someone who shouldnt not be there.
Chapter 1
R.I.P.
HERE LIES KRISTOFF & SKYLAR FAIRCHILD
1975-2009 1977-2009
THERE IS NOTHING WITHOUT SACRIFICE
That was what the gravestone at my feet read. It had been nearly a year since they had left me and yet it still hadn’t hit me that my parents were dead. I hadn’t had a sudden gut feeling that something had gone wrong and rushed home to find them dead. I was simply and flatly pulled from the movies with friends and told right there that they had died. The police officer took me home to get my stuff and then to a friends house where I ended up living since then.
A solitary tear streaked down my face at the remembrance of what was by far the worst day of my life. I knelt down to wipe off the leaves that covered the bottom of their gravestone. Even though the leaves had just started to change and fall from the trees and yet the all ended up here. This used to be my favorite time of the year. The days got shorter and the trees burst with warm colors that were contradictory to the weather, but I didn’t mind I liked the feeling of the cool wind and the wonderfully earthy smell of it. All of these were my favorite things and yet I was in my least favorite place. I missed my parents so much. I was about to embark on the toughest days of my life and I really needed them. I remember everything about them and eventually I started to compare myself to them. For the most part I had gained my looks from my mom. I had her semi-dark brunette and light blue eyes that people loved. When I was little I even sounded like her. When I answered the phone people would commonly begin talking to me as if I were her and I would correct them in an aggravated tone and hand the phone to my mom. As for similarities in appearance that was where the list ended.
I had pretty much gotten nothing from my dad appearance wise but something much more severe. I had inherited my vampirism from him. That’s right I’m a vampire. It’s actually not that uncommon with my kind of people. It started years ago with the black plague. The truth is that it was a genetic virus whoms whereabouts is still unknown but it combined itself with your DNA and if the situation was right you didn’t even get sick. But if they weren’t (which is the truth in most cases then you became fatally ill and died within the week). If you survived the ordeal you had new “gifts”. Although surviving meant you never actually knew you had the disease you still survived. As the years went on and people realized they weren’t the only ones with a sensational craving for blood and formed covens. Their descendants still contain the gene and that is why I am here today. Although our bite does have a certain affect there hasn’t been a found way to otherwise create a vampire except being born.
Of course though for me that wasn’t where the list ended. My mom had been a physic and that meant I had the chance to gain gifts from her too. Nothing had yet presented itself but I could feel and untouched part of me waiting for the power within to be harnessed. Even though I could feel it I was hoping that’s all it was. In my world it wasn’t always good to be different. I know how is being a vampire normal but I was born and raised in this world and didn’t even know that we were a secret until much later in my life.
“Kris we got to go if we don’t want to be late,” said Joy. Joy was one of my two best friends. She was an earth elemental and just to prove it to me as she neared she waved her hand and a wreath of beautiful orange flowers assembled on the headstone. I was surprised she was still my friend after we hit middle school. She filled out just like the rest of the girls in our class but that just finished her. She had always had a perfect tan that she had because she was half Cherokee. Her eyes matched her skin with an intense auburn color. To finish it all off she had curly dark brunette hair. She was absolutely the looks in your group but didn’t like to show it off.
“I know,” I said”I just wanted to show them some respect.
As we walked Joy couldn’t resist showing off her power even more. She had picked up a newly fallen leaf and it was levitating just above her palm. She was doing my favorite trick (no doubt to help me feel better). As it spun it flashed with the craziest colors no leaf should ever be.
Elementals got their power from a stone sitting in a place that symbolized what it controlled. The all rested in one mountain that was nestled in the middle of the sea. It represented all four elements. The mountain itself represented earth, the ocean surrounding the mountain represented water, the very tip of the mountain which was said to be void of any oxygen represented air, and finally the center of the mountain burned with such intense heat that the water nearest the base boiled represented fire.
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141,303 Literary Works • 674,339 Reviews
Hey, Hero here to review as requested. You might want to sit down, this will be long
You don't have to read through it all at once, but don't forget to pay attention to what we reviewers say. And I hasten to add: Just remember this is your story and you don't *have* to listen to us if you don't want to.
Part 1: Spelling Grammar and Punctuation - I'll edit out your story to make it more readable. If you want the coding to edit your story to really look like that, just PM me and I'll give it to you.
Part 2: The Construct - Your construct is a bit off at certain times and there are some techniques it would help to apply to make this story awesome(er).
Part 3: The Context - Just some opinions on your characters, setting, plot, etc.
Part 1: Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation
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I'm going to do this in a 3-Part.
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Okay. I'm going to re-write your version in quote form. Read it through and compare. If you want to get the edited out version (punctuation corrected; headings organized) just PM me.
--- You still have a little way to go in terms of punctuation. But it was readable so... anyway. I would mainly recommend you realize where commas are used (like brackets - when you're giving extra information. If you can take a piece out of a sentence and the sentence still makes sense and achieves it's purpose, then the piece you took out should be in commas if you leave it in. e.g My name and I rush to say my dad named me is TheNewHero
and I rush to say my dad named meis TheNewHero----------------------
I don't want to overwhelm you, so I'll just say some important bits:
When writing, it's always best to Show and not Tell
You did a superb job of that here. I just wanted to make note of that.
This is something very important that you learn to control. A novel is basically a super-cool idea written out, right? And then it branches off and you have other ideas like this character's telekinesis sometimes backfires and levitates them, etc. Now, how would you present that in a story?
To simply say that, is fine. No problem. But what happens when you're writing a story of superheroes, for example, and you have to describe the weakness of each superhero in an eight man squad? You don't want to sound like a list, of course. So you use the Show, don't Tell rule and the nifty thing called... Dialogue.
Dialogue should be purposeful, of course. You have to really make sure that your characters aren't narrating the story, or, in essence, talking to the reader/themselves while somebody else is in the room. That's the reason many first time writers use 1st Person, because it's easier to explain stuff without sounding weird. But sounding weird is inevitable. Let's say you want to explain your superhero squad's weaknesses.
Compare that to...
In the second one, I managed to write two whole paragraphs (which takes up a lot of space when you have novel pages like James Patterson
What I'm trying to say is that we don't need to know your character's powers just yet. It's not wrong to make mention of them, but do it in one of two ways: show or tell. If you're going to simply tell us, make sure it's brief. Not more than three sentences I hope. If you're going to show us, it can't be brief. You did fine explaining your Main Character's powers, but Joy just felt tackyish. I mean why would she randomly pick up a leaf and play tricks? If she wanted to cheer him up, she would give him the leaf or make them like a crown on his head or something more... involving. You should watch out for this. I didn't catch a horrible bit in the story of info-dumping, but nonetheless just remember.
You have a great story here, Eavn, but it read like a summary. Summaries aren't bad... they're just too short. And they lead to info-dumping. Why didn't you instead of explaining what happened that day, write a whole prologue. Your introduction could've been lengthened right up to the part where the police man pulls him out of the cinema. If you write it well then it can urge someone to read on. It gives us a chance to sympathize with your character. Sympathy + Danger = Tension = More Readers!
Let me give you an example. In one or two Superman video games, they have to use the city's health as Superman's because obviously, he'll never die. So when a meter shower is headed for the earth, nobody cries, 'Superman! Get out of there!' because obviously he'll live. But they do cry for people they care about... 'Lex! Get out of there!'
At the moment this is your biggest problem. Explore your characters more and make us sympathize with them. It gives you great opportunities to make your chapters longer.
But if you don't want this to be a sappy story and are scared sympathy is sappy, let me introduce you to... danger. What happened at the end of your chapter? Nothing. But in this Percy Jackson fanfic the ending is strong and gripping, even if you don't like Percy Jackson. Because something is happening.
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This is the part where I just talk about your characters. I must say, I love them.
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Anyway, I rather enjoyed the story. And thanks for sitting through all of this. On to Chapter 2!
Hey there eavn!
Here to review as requested!
I'm not here to fish out your grammatical or spelling mistakes, but I will point out places where I thought was a bit lacking. I might seem harsh, but (hopefully) it will help you improve as a writer.
There is a fatal flaw that most writers (including me) tend to have. You know who your MC (main character) is, you know what he or she looks like, you know whether if he or she wears yellow banana shorts at night, but we readers don’t know.
Thus you, the writer, who sincerely doesn’t want your readers confused about the identity/background of your MC, immediately starts blabbing about everything you know about your MC, including sometimes not very important information. This situation, my friend, is called “infodumping”.
Infodumping should be done in small, liberal pieces, or else it’ll bore your readers. Relax --- you have tons of time in your novel to slowly explain what Joy looks like, your MC’s parentage and such. Read this for suggestions on how to solve infodumping.
Other than that, the beginning is okay for a novel. Keep writing, and I’ll get to the second chapter later.
~Ice.
this story really kept me going wanting to read more but i found a few slip ups (that everyone does) which kind of pulled me away for a bit and think what was missing like when you were finishing a speaking part you missed off the " not a big deal really just thought i would point it out. Also the introution maybe you could add more because i got a little bit confused maybe add a bit of speaking and feeling to it unless that's not what you are going for.
if you juts had a quick read through of it fish out the speeling mistakes and the slip ups, maybe add the story line to the introduction and i will read it through again PM me if you want
But really goo other wise kept me intrested all the way through.
I like it. Was quite easy to read and it kept me interested. Just a couple of little nitpicks from me.
"A solitary tear streaked down my face at the remembrance..." the word rememberance doesnt seem to fit in the context.
"I was about to embark on the toughest days of my life" again the context doesnt suit the word embark. Look for a different word.
I did like it alot. Just polish the sentences and edit some words and it will be really good.