The world wrinkled, sending waves of light across the air like ripples in water. I got knocked to the ground by the force of the push, as did the lantern which immediately turned off. As quickly as it started, the world went back to normal, leaving me lying in the darkness of the now-collapsed tent with my ragged breathing and Rachel’s whimpering.
“What happened? What happened?” she babbled over and over again. “Jen, where are you?”
“Shut your mouth, Rachel, I’m right here,” I snapped in a whisper. Rachel immediately became quiet except for an occasional sniff. I felt along the floor of the tent until I found a flashlight, which I turned on.
It wasn’t a pleasant sight. Everything that we had brought into the tent was dumped on the floor and smeared with chip crumbs and chocolate smears. I shined the flashlight towards Rachel, her tear-streaked face glistening in the yellow light.
“What happened, Jen?” she asked me pathetically.
I didn’t answer. “We’ve gotta get this cleaned up.”
“This was a bad idea.” Rachel smoothed her blanket. “What…what are we going to tell our parents?”
I shook my head. “What would we tell them? We didn’t do anything wrong.”
Rachel nodded slowly. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“Come on.” I crawled out of the tent and stood up, reveling in the fresh air. “We can clean up tomorrow.”
She followed after me like a lost puppy dog. As she looked up at the sky, she gasped. “Jen, look!”
“What?” I looked to where her finger was pointing and my mouth dropped. “That…no way.” I rubbed my eyes, but it was still there when I looked again.
There, up in the sky, a little above the Big Dipper in thin glittering letters, were two words: Hi Sis.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,727 Literary Works • 672,669 Reviews
Not bad so far, and I think I'm gonna read more. ^^ I liked how you showed us the characters' personalities right away, and I can't wait to see more of them. Just a few things...
I want to know what caused the world to wrinkle. I mean, it's gripping, but it could also be confusing. I'm hoping that gets cleared up soon - what exactly they did to cause that to happen.
Lumierre said, 'When you word things a certain way to build character, like when you said "I didn't answer," it becomes much more effective if you leave that line of action without dialogue.' And that's true, usually, but I understand what you were trying to do. Add a word or two, or change the way you word that action, and I think the dialogue would be fine.
Like... 'I ignored her question. "We have to get this cleaned up."' You might even say something like, 'I ignored her question. I had no answer for her. "We have to get this cleaned up."' Like that, see? Except, it is kind of odd that one second she says they have to clean, and then a few seconds later, 'We can clean up tomorrow.' Maybe she could look around helplessly between those lines of dialogue - 'Where were we supposed to start?' - and then give up and decide to tackle it later.
Hey. Thanks for the review!:)
I like this a lot! It has a nice flow and it's adorable. Maybe try to be a little more descriptive with the scene to make the story REALLY come alive, but I'm pretty wordy in my works so it could just be me.
You make me want to keep reading! Like other people said, the first line was really cool. It reminded me of the book A Wrinkle in Time, which is one of my favorite books, so that was great.
I like the characters, and how you leave everything to be kind of mysterious. Like where they are, why they're there, etc.
great piece and thanks for the review!:)
Thanks everyone for the reviews! I'm glad you guys liked it. I'll post more when I have a chance to revise a little.
Wow, this is actually really brilliant! I love the first line:
"The world wrinkled, sending waves of light across the air like ripples in water."
The description here is beautiful and makes me as a reader wonder what is going on! I like being thrown right into the midst of the story--and you end with such a wonderful cliff-hanger which makes me anxious to read on once you write more.
Very nice start it seems reall intesting and I can't wait to read more. The plot you have come up with is really interesting and I like both of your charcters as they both seem quite well stuctured. It really is an integuging idead and the title you chose really got my intetd in what the story would be about.
PM me when you get more.
Dusty
This was really great, the first paragraph had me hooked, I loved how you described things. The characters seem really great, and I interested to see where this goes! The only thing bad about it, I would say, is that it's too short! I want to read more! Love it
Hi Earthfire713
I really like this story even though the post is only a short one.
I like the way that the mc is a leader and a fighter.
I really want to know why the stars were spelling out Hi sis. Did something happen to her sister?
Rachel is a good character that sounds as if she is a follower.
I think that if you keep writing the way you do now,the rest o this story will be brilliant.
Can you pm me when you post more?
midnightread
As promising as the story seems, you accomplished one great thing in this piece. That first paragraph hooked me. The only issue I could really argue is that you used the oldest flop in the book: "I got _____ed." Try to make a habit of avoiding immature phrasing like that and you'll do marvelously.
And one piece of further advice to get stuck in your teeth... When you word things a certain way to build character, like when you said "I didn't answer," it becomes much more effective if you leave that line of action without dialogue.
I really enjoyed this and I look forward to more. Take your time and get comfortable in your writing and you'll blow me away; I swear.
Oooooo Awesome!
Really cool, I think you could've added a bit more to it cause that is sort of short (No offence) But still really good.
Grammar: None, couldn't see any upsets through your work, Maybe a comma missed place but I could just be seeing things. (PS. I am bad at it, Grammar I mean!)
MC (Main Character): Hmmm fiesty! And awesome! I really think Jen has a lot of potential and as does Racheal.
Problems are that you left it on a cliff hanger which I really hate you for cause now I am interested and very impatient and have to wait for the next one and I really hate waiting.
But I can do it! Otherwise you relly did well and yeah, pm me when the next one is up.
~Apple