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This World Part one

by Vulcanite


This world is different,

And disgustingly ugly.

It only gets wares,

Every day and night.

Fear strikes me.

When this happens my knees get sore,

So I fall to the floor.

There is now no were to run,

And no were to hide,

Away from the power of this world.

I cannot seem to ignore,

The world's bad look.


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66 Reviews


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Fri Oct 05, 2018 4:33 pm
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Starve says...



Good work there!
I see an improvement in creativity and structure!




Vulcanite says...


thank you I am Glad to here that you liked it. :D



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Thu Oct 04, 2018 7:02 pm
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dogsrule5 wrote a review...



Wow! This poem was really good, and I think it will help people realize that our world needs to change. We let people suffer for our own happiness and that's not right.

There are a few mistakes though, so let me show you what you need to work on!!!

1) You wrote

There is now no where to run,


no should be know. To say no that means no. For example. If someone asks you if you want cake and you don't want any you say no. While know means you know it. For example. I know the answer on the test.

2) You wrote,
It only gets wares,


Wares should be spelled worse.

Now let's move onto suggestions I have to make this poem better. Of course it's a suggestion so it's totally optional whether you want to do it or not, but to me, it would make the poem better!

1) At the beginning you wrote,
This world is different.


I think instead of using the word this you should use the.

Anyway I hope that helped! Our world really does need to change there are so many people suffering for other's happiness and that's not right, but you it's impossible to have a world without suffering, because that I think is remotely impossible!

Anyway keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs




Vulcanite says...


Thank you for the review it is really help full to me. :D



dogsrule5 says...


Glad it helped! :D



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Thu Oct 04, 2018 10:25 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi @EagleFly Shikora here with a review.

So this poem is very interesting. It's kind of true in a way.

Now there are a few things you need to fix.

When this happens my knees get sore,

I'm not really sure what you mean with this. It just seems a little out of place.

There is now no were to run,

That needs to be this know.

And no were to hide,

This is the same as the last, it needs to be this know.

So that's all from me. I hope this review was helpful. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora. :D




Vulcanite says...


Thank you for the review it is really help full to me. :D



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Thu Oct 04, 2018 4:20 am
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Eros wrote a review...



Hey there, EagleFly!!

Glad to see another poem from you!

Here I am with a review for you...

Title is awesome and the poem kept me hooked up till the last. I really loved the idea that's again unique, like the other poems of yours. You are doing great and keep writing such poetries...

The poem is short and sweet and that makes the poem very interesting. But you should also give a try in writing something longer...a little spelling error though,
The 8th and 9th lines... Has "were". I'm sure you wanted to write "where"... Other than that, everything is good.

Keep writing, you are doing great.
Have a great day/ night!
With love,
From Eros.
:D




Vulcanite says...


Thank you for the review it really helps me. :D



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Thu Oct 04, 2018 12:21 am
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SubSubLibrarian wrote a review...



Hey!
I'm just gonna jump right in. The idea for the poem is a tad cliche, but it's fine. I'm a bit confused about the " When this happens my knees get sore, so I fall to the floor," because it seems like it should be the other way around. Is that supposed to be the humor part? I also feel like those two lines aren't really relevant to the poem's theme. Not everything related is relevant. I also feel like this poem could use a little more imagery. Maybe you could give examples or describe the world, or use an analogy to explain the world's power. The topic itself and the poem is very broad without that imagery. It would make it a lot more specific and clear. I do like the odd rhythm of the poem. Great job!

I have a big question: what is this world different from? Different by itself doesn't say anything. Many times the thing that something is different is obvious or implied, but in this case, I have no idea what could be implied.

Anyway, good luck! If you have any questions, you know how to reach me!




Vulcanite says...


Thank you for the review it really means a lot to me. :D



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Wed Oct 03, 2018 11:50 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hello Eagle!

I am here to review your interesting poem, which I am glad to see you've written!

Interpretation
I had some trouble figuring out the humorous elements of the poem since on the surface it seems very very serious - it looks like a heavy topic. But if I look at it, and search for humor, I wonder if maybe it was meant to be ironic?

The speaker in the poem is lamenting (complaining) because the world keeps getting harder to live in, in fact everywhere that they look the world looks bad. Eventually the bad look of the world effects the speaker so that they cannot even stand but fall to the ground. And while they're on the ground they realize, they can't run anywhere and they can't hide - the world is all around them. The speaker seems lost, and scared, and sad, like the weight of the world is on their shoulders and they don't know what to do.

I think maybe the humorous part is that they're complaining so dramatically, and then their reaction doesn't seem to actually be self-serving. It will not help them live any better if they fall - so in a cruel or mean way - it is funny that they are not helping themselves up, and as a reader I can even empathize (feel the same feelings) as that speaker. I know sometimes I feel sad and choose to do things that don't actually help me out of my situation - so I can relate!

Suggestions

So we have a clear speaker, clear emotions, and a clear problem <- all important parts for a narrative poem!

I think one part you work on is digging a bit deeper into the problem the speaker is facing. I know they say the world "looks bad" - but what about it don't they like? Do they not like the buildings and the clouds, or do they not like how people treat each other? There are many ways to use the word "ugly" and "bad" - so if you could describe a bit more how the world is bad for them, it would help me understand the poem even more.

Another part you might take a second look at - is I thought it was a bit silly when the speaker said "my knees get sore" - I think that is a strange reaction to feeling like the world is ugly. So unless it is a metaphor - I'm not sure it makes sense! How often do people really fall over when they're feeling sad? Not that often in real life actually. :)

Those are just a few things to consider though - and actually I really liked that you picked a theme and stuck with it for the whole poem and really explored what the speaker was feeling.

Grammar & Spelling
The spelling wasn't too bad here, just a few issues in a couple places that I'll point out.

"It only gets wares," - "wares" should be "worse".

"There is no were to run," - "no were" should be "nowhere".

"And no were to hide," - "no were" should be "nowhere".

"Away from the power of this world." should not end in a period, because the next line goes with this sentence.

"The worlds bad look." "worlds" should be "world's" because it is possessive rather than multiple (you're only talking about one world.

Favorite Parts
My favorite part of this poem is you are getting much better at describing the emotions of the speaker within the poem! You describe multiple ways that they are feeling sad, and you really allow the reader to get inside of their head.

Another favorite part was the line "Fear strikes me" - it's a good line to show how scared the speaker is feeling.

Last Comments
Those were all of my thoughts on your poem, I look forward to reading the second part so that I can hear the whole story. Please let me know if any of my review did not make sense, or if you have any questions about what I said. :)

Have a good day, and keep writing always!

~alliyah

Spoiler! :

Also this is the formatting I use for my review:

Code: Select all
introduction

[b]Interpretation[/b]

[b]Suggestions[/b]

[b]Favorite Parts[/b]

[b]Last Comments[/b]



Image




Vulcanite says...


thank you for the review it is really help fill to me. :D




Surround yourself with people who are serious about being writers, and who will tell you, ‘Hey—you can do better than this.’ Who will be critical of your work, but also supportive. And who will not be competitive in a negative way.
— Isabel Quintero