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This World Part Two

by Dossereana


Do you remember what I said last time about this world?

Fear dose not strike me anymore,
there for I do not fall to the floor.

I have grown up to live,

With the worlds stanch acts.

I feel like things are stable.

The world is steady and happy right now.

So I can rest form the constant changes,

that were here before.

When things do change,

Then I ignore it.

I have found out away to hide from all of that now.

I have found a place to run to.

Now I’m Happy,

For the world is looking good.


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544 Reviews


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Sun Sep 08, 2019 11:37 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello Doss my dear writing sister, FlamingPhoenix here to do a review for you on this lovely night, sorry it took so long, I thought I reviewed this, oh well.

Okay let's get to the review shall we.

So I did see one of two things that can be fixed.

So here is the first thing.

So I can rest form the constant changes,

that were here before.

When things do change,


As I am sure you no from many of my last reviews the words in bold is what I am talking about. So there is nothing wrong with your spelling but there isn't a big enough time gap to be using the same word twice, to be honest you should try to not use the same word twice in a poem, it kind of throes the flow off. But if you want to change one of the changes or remove it is up to you.

Okay onto the next thing.
I have found out away to hide from all of that now.

Now you haven't spelt it wrong but I think you used the wrong work to use here, I think you should say A instead of out.

Now I would like to talk about one more thing, it's very small but I would like to bring it up. So you start out with long sentences and then you start going small. To give your poem a better flow you should try and make them all the same length, so I'm going to go to the last sentence I pointed out to you.
I have found out away to hide from all of that now.

In this sentence if you are going to try and make it shorter then I would take out the now, or you could change your sentence up.

Well that was all I could see in this.

So I thought you did a very good job with this work I liked how you put the emotion of the person over coming their fear, it put a lot of emotion in to this peace. As I have told you with your other works your writing is amazing and you astound me. I look forward to reading more of your works. I hope you have a great night.

Your friend and faithful reader
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.

Image




Dossereana says...


Wow okay so I really just need to say that thanks for the review. *yells* This poems so old .





I no it's old! XD



Dossereana says...


XD Back at ya.



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Mon Oct 08, 2018 2:11 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there EagleFly! Niteowl here to leave a quick review.

Overall, I like how this flips in perspective from the previous poem, how the narrator goes from fear and despair to optimism in a happier world. I think I would like to see more imagery to support the notion that things are stable and peaceful in this world.

I don't know if starting out by referencing the previous piece in a question is the strongest way to begin your poem. "Fear does not strike me anymore" is a stronger beginning, but the way it rhymes with floor sets up an expectation for a rhyme scheme when the rest of the poem doesn't rhyme.

I have grown up to live, (no comma needed here)

With the worlds stanch acts.


I'm not sure what you mean by "stanch". According to Google, "stanch" means to restrict the flow of blood, which is strange here. It could be "staunch", which means loyal or watertight, but that also seems like an odd choice. I'm guessing you're looking for a synonym of dark or evil here.

When things do change,

Then I ignore it.


To me, this says that the speaker has responded to being overwhelmed by all the bad things in the world by ignoring them. He is at peace mainly because he has found somewhere to hide from the problems, not because the world is actually any better than it was before. To reach a different conclusion, I would have to see more of how the world has actually improved.

Overall, this is an interesting project that flips from pessimism to optimism. I'd clean up the structure a little and think about how to show how the world has changed a little more. Keep writing! :D




Dossereana says...


thank you for the good review it really means a lot also I will go and ad more to every thing that i can when I get to it. thanks again. :D



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Sun Oct 07, 2018 7:26 pm
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EverLight wrote a review...



Please feel free to ignore my advice, it is not intended to offend you, hurt you, make your story seem bad, that said beware for hurt anyway . . .

Use of Capitals
Okay I first of all I think your use of capitals was confusing. You have some sentences with the first letter of every word capitalized,

Now I’m Happy,
I think that should be fixed.
Spelling
Yes, I did catch some spelling errors starting with there for. It should be spelled, Therefore. And form should be from the worlds . . .

Structure and word usage
I think some of your sentences need to be changed. Let's start with this one,

When things do change,

Then I ignore it.
The word then could be removed. Secant I think it would sound better with them rather then it. Like this
When things do change I ignore them.
see the difference?
Okay next we have this sentence,

I have grown up to live,

With the worlds stanch acts.

Okay though it is a good word, I don't think stanch really suits it. You could use violent, cruel barbaric, cutthroat, murderous, savage, hard, or savage.
Also With I think should be in lowercase.

Finally, this part
I feel like things are stable.

The world is steady and happy right now.

So I can rest form the constant changes,

First of all the sentence I feel things are stable will sound better without the I feel. I would also find another word for happy. Try peaceful. So I can, I feel needs to be removed and replaced with now.
Thanks for bearing with me!
Keep on writing.




Dossereana says...


Thank you for the review @Katnes it really means a lot to me. :D



EverLight says...


Your welcome, of course. That's what I do pick out unread poems and edit them.



Dossereana says...


cool. :D




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