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Exploring

by Vulcanite


Exploring

I run to the sea,

And I seek a tree

Above me,

I see,

Some bees,

Flying over leaves

I then climb this tree,

And scrape my knee,

The bark is rough,

And Tough.

I cry in pain

I keep on crying

and saying

I should never have done that,

Now Exploring

Is boring.


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Tue May 28, 2019 4:17 pm
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LadyBug wrote a review...



Wesh! Professor Jade here to review your poem. The title reminded me of Dora the Explorer for some reason, but I thought I'd check it out.

Let's just get to it....

Exploring

I run to the sea,

And I seek a tree

Above me,

The flow is good and the rhyme scheme is consistent. Trees and seas have nothing in common so maybe keep to one theme per stanza.

I see,

Some bees,

Flying over leaves

I then climb this tree,

You need less commas and more periods. It makes it feel choppy instead of flowing.

And scrape my knee,

The bark is rough,

And Tough.

I cry in pain

I keep on crying

and saying

I should never have done that,

Now Exploring

Is boring.

OVERALL: This is a fun and lighthearted poem. I enjoy your style and I can't wait to see more by you. Until then, I hope this helped.

-Professor JadeLotus-




Vulcanite says...


Thanks for the review JadeLotus it always helps me, :D I hope you have a great day/night, and also I will keep this all in mind, again thanks for the review.



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Wed Mar 20, 2019 6:06 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hi Eagle, here for a short review! I've been so busy this month, which is why I've been slow on the reviewing.

Structure
I see that you tried some rhyming and sound structure in here! That really adds some nice poetic rhythm to the piece. I think that the rhyming could be a little bit more consistent.

Also when you repeat the same sound (like the "ee" sound in "tree/me/see/bees/leaves/knee/cryINg/borIng/explorINg") over and over again, it creates an expectation that it is a pattern. So when you break the pattern -> in this case when you ended the line with "rough/tough/pain" it really brought attention to that part of the poem as it was unexpected. I think you could vary the sounds in the earlier part of the poem to make that middle part stand out a bit less.

Also I have found for rhyming it's best to stick with some sort of repeating pattern - to practice that you can assign a letter to each "rhyme sound" and then see the pattern it makes. Here's the pattern your poem makes: A BBBB CCBB DDE AAF AA ... which is not quite a pattern as you can see.

Spoiler! :


Exploring (A
I run to the sea, (B)
And I seek a tree (B)
Above me, (B)
I see, (B)
Some bees, (C)
Flying over leaves (C)
I then climb this tree, (B)
And scrape my knee, (B)
The bark is rough, (D)
And Tough. (D)
I cry in pain (E)
I keep on crying (A
and saying (A
I should never have done that, (F)
Now Exploring (A
Is boring. (A



With all that technical stuff being said, I really would encourage you to try to write another rhyming poem! They can be quite difficult, but sound so great once completed. Perhaps you could try a poem with an AABB CCDD EEFF pattern? :) Let me know if you have any questions!

Your punctuation seemed good in this poem. The only spelling/grammar issue is I don't know why "Tough" was capitalized - unless that was a word you were trying to emphasize for some effect.

Imagery
You're getting better and better with imagery and description Eagle.

This was a really nice part where I could see the scene unfolding

Some bees,

Flying over leaves

I then climb this tree,

And scrape my knee,

The bark is rough,


Narrative
I think this was a nice story-poem because we had character development and conflict. The speaker is having a great nature walk, and then they get hurt (conflict) they become very sad, and then give up on exploring. One thing that I think is a bit confusing - is that it doesn't seem like they found exploring "boring" like the last line said - but it seemed like they were "hurt" and "sad" ... the emotion didn't quite fit there for me.

Interpretation
I took this poem to be sort of like a fable - it is a cautionary tale about getting too excited for something that you forget safety. And reminds readers to look where they're going when they are exploring.

Keep on writing Eagle! This short rhyming piece was a nice one to read, I hope to see a few more rhyming poems from you in the future.

your friend,

alliyah




Vulcanite says...


Thanks again for the review alliyah, also the caps in Tough was a mistake, it is tough, thanks again for pointing things out, now i was wondering if you sore this poem as well No :D



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Thu Mar 14, 2019 1:05 am
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LadyBug says...



:) I really enjoyed this!




Vulcanite says...


Thanks. :D



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Sat Mar 09, 2019 6:34 pm
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Butterfly7 says...



That's so good! I love your poem. I can see everything perfectly!




Vulcanite says...


Thank you so much Butterfly7 :D



Butterfly7 says...


Your welcome



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Fri Mar 08, 2019 11:53 am
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Chitz wrote a review...



hey EagleFly! greetings of the day.

this piece or poem or poetry, it is really interesting and funny to read. you presented that exploration of yours with so few words and so nicely that i loved it.

the sea, the tree, the bees sounded perfect. and their use too. the format, choice of words and simplicity was on point. it is more a strong fact that the reader can imagine you doing the climbing and stuff like your sister said. thats why its more likeable.

hope you keep on exploring so we can get to read more of these funny but amazing pieces.

see you soon
~chitz~




Vulcanite says...


Thanks for the review it helps me a lot, also glad you like it. :D



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Fri Mar 08, 2019 6:48 am
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Eros wrote a review...



Hey there Eagle !!

This is Eros here with a review for this sweet little wonderful poem !!

The title is short, sweet and attractive. I really love the way you have described the scene and the little incident... Rather it is a little adventrue sort of thing...

Basically there are three elements of nature --- the tree, the sea and the bees. You have expressed a -young-at-heart- kind of feelings through the poem. It was very refreshing piece of poetry.

It starts with exploring the nature's beauty, and you as the narrator climb the tree. But it hurts your soft legs-- rather knees, because it's a tough bark of the tree, and it scrapes your knees...I could feel that pain as you described it. As a result you start crying and crying for quite a long time and also you regret for climbing the tree. That is you regret exploring. And finally you say it is boring.

The last words, like FlamingPhoenix says, are indeed happy and sweet. It was cute and I really loved the poem.

Keep writing such awesome poetries !

I would love to keep reviewing and reading them !

Have a great day / night !

With love,
From Eros.




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Fri Mar 08, 2019 6:47 am
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Eros says...



Hey there Eagle !!

This is Eros here with a review for this sweet little wonderful poem !!

The title is short, sweet and attractive. I really love the way you have described the scene and the little incident... Rather it is a little adventrue sort of thing...

Basically there are three elements of nature --- the tree, the sea and the bees. You have expressed a -young-at-heart- kind of feelings through the poem. It was very refreshing piece of poetry.

It starts with exploring the nature's beauty, and you as the narrator climb the tree. But it hurts your soft legs-- rather knees, because it's a tough bark of the tree, and it scrapes your knees...I could feel that pain as you described it. As a result you start crying and crying for quite a long time and also you regret for climbing the tree. That is you regret exploring. And finally you say it is boring.

The last words, like FlamingPhoenix says, are indeed happy and sweet. It was cute and I really loved the poem.

Keep writing such awesome poetries !

I would love to keep reviewing and reading them !

Have a great day / night !

With love,
From Eros.
:D




Vulcanite says...


Thanks for the review it helps me a lot I am glad you liked it. :D



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Fri Mar 08, 2019 3:32 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, EagleFly. FlamingPhonix is here with a review for you on this lovely day. Okay let's begin.

So I know you have read this poem to me a lot, but I still find it really funny. I will have to say the best part on the poem will be this bit.
Now

Exploring

Is boring.

I just think this is the best way to end a poem with a really great laugh. So great job.

And like @Anma said. I also think you have painted a really great image here with the bees and trees. And the really funny thing is, is that I do see you doing the things you said in your poem.

So I didn't see anything wrong with your poem. So I leave you with a nice review. I hope I get to see another poem form you on YWS soon. I hope you never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your sis
FlamingPhoenix :D
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




Vulcanite says...


Thanks for the nice words sis. :D





Your welcome.



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Fri Mar 08, 2019 2:29 am
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Anma wrote a review...



Hello, Eagle Fly!!

What a great poem you have here. Its very interesting
I love it! it is very pretty, and I love how you used the bees, and tree to tell like a short story.
There is feeling to it, and a meaning to. I'm not sure if i got it correct but i did learn something from it.
I don't see anything wrong with it, Its basic but at the same time a special one..
I feel it earns a review

Id love to read more of your work
Keep it up!!

Your friend Anma




Vulcanite says...


Thanks so much. :D



Anma says...


No problem :)




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