• Home

Young Writers Society

E - Everyone

Chapter 1

by EXceL

Year 2024. A company named Arnus released the first ever Vrmmorpg, Dunvir. It quickly became a sensation all over the world. Each time a 'Console' went on sale it went out of stock immediately. People from all age group were playing it.

The world of Dunvir was enormous. It had unlimited possibilities. Each choice a player makes has an affect on the world. After a year of it's release, it already had a player base of about 2 billion. The social media was filled with Dunvir content.

It came to a point where , top rankers of Dunvir became more popular than any other celebrity. They earn about millions of dollars by just playing Dunvir. You can change in game money to real life money and vice versa. Many people joined the game to earn fame and Fortune.

The rarity in Dunvir can be differentiated by 6 stages. Normal, Rare, Epic, Unique , Legendary and Myth. Myth being the rarest.

There are unlimited hidden classes in Dunvir. But, no one knows how to get them.

How does Dunvir manage so much content ? Quests, story, NPC, classes, monsters and bugs. It is all controlled by an AI 'Xerm'. Without Xerm the whole world of Dunvir would have been a mess. A super computer that is 20 years advance than the current time.


Finally, after a year Avav was finally able to buy a 'Console'. It was big Machine with a seat and a shutter with the number 970656363 written on top.

Avav : Finally. This took a year of begging my parents. Better be worth it.

He sits on the seat and the shutter closers. But after a moment a blue notification appears.

[Welcome to Dunvir]

[Iris Scan Complete]

[Please enter your username]


[Please Choose One Of The 9 Classes]

[Mage] [Warrior] [Assassin] [Tank] [Blacksmith] [Priest] [Lancer] [Controller] [Fighter]

[Do you want to be a, Mage]

[Yes or No]


[Please Chose One of the Different Mages]

[Black, Follower of Satan]

[Light, Follower of Marie]

[Earth, Follower of Daruk ]

[Water, Follower of Ruta]

[Fire, Follower of Agni]

[Do you want to be a Light Mage]

[Yes or No]


Excel's vision started getting better. After a moment, he finds himself near a fountain in a Medieval town. He looked at himself and couldn't believe the realism of the game. He could feel the air, texture of his armor and the heat of the sun.

A middle aged man with a robe, a staff, and gray hair approached Excel.

On top of his head 'General Traviel' was written in white.

Traviel : You. Are you the new guy?

Excel : Yes.

Traviel: Nice. My name is General Traviel. I have served the king as the General of the Magic Division.

Excel : Oh. Nice to meet you.

Traviel : Follow me. Nowadays my jobs is to train newbies.

Excel follows Traviel to a training ground. He was given a Wooden staff.

[Normal Wooden Magic Staff

Ratting: Normal

Magic Power: 10 Durability: 20

A normal Wooden staff that infused with a part of a Mana orb

Condition to use : None]

Traviel : Use that staff to use magic.

[You have learned Light Beam]

[Light Beam,Lv 1

Release a beam of light on a single target. Deal 400% of your magic as damage

Cool down: 60 seconds ]

A target appeared in front of Excel.

'Light Beam'

Excel raised his staff and released a beam of light. He burned the target. Then a notification appeared in front of him.

[You have completed the Quest ' Beginner Mage']

[You have received 10 EXP]

[Your level has risen by 2]

Traviel : Nice. You have learned to use magic. I see great potential in you.

Excel : Thanks

[Name : Excel

ID : 9706563635

Class : Light Mage(Normal)

Level : 3

Title : None


Strength: 5 Defence: 5

Agility: 5 Stamina: 5

Magic : 10 Intelligence: 10

Stat Points: 120

Skills :

*Light beam ,Lv 1

Release a beam of light on a single target. Deal 400% of your magic as damage

Cool down: 60 seconds]

Timeskip : 1 Month Later(Game Time)

In Dunvir, 1 day in the real world is equivalent to 3 days in game time. So, Excel's has been playing for about 10 days. He was a already Level 61. For now Excel was situated in the town of Foture.

He was growing at a good rate. But with achievementd comes confidence and sometimes over confidence.

From Forture there are two paths that a player can take. One was Dark Viel Forest. And second was Druk. Druk path that leads to another Beginner town. So, it was natural for him to chose Dark Viel Forest.

But, in the past few days, there is an increase in the number of PK. So, many people believed that it would be safe for them to stay in Forture for a while .

But, Excel ignored that and straight went to the forest. As soon as he entered the forest , he was surrounded by thick fog. But after walking suddenly a group of 20 people appeared in front of him.

"Hah. Boss we cought one"

"Yeah. And it looks like he is loaded "

"Who are you ? Leave me alone "

"We are the Jackets. And we are here to PK you."

Getting killed in Dunvir was really bad. Not only do you lose experience and some items but you also can't login for 24 hours. It was really the worst scenario. PK was a common thing that high level players did to low level players.

Excel was scared. There was despair on his face. The Jackets were really enjoying the scene. Then one them attacked Excel with a sword.

"Light Form"

[Light Form, Level 5

*Change your body into light. Immune to physical attacks for 5 seconds.

*Cool down :3 Hours]

Excel took this chance to run as fast as possible. After running for 10 minutes straight he found a cave to rest for a while. And it also looked like the jackets had stopped following him.

[There in an unknown presence]

[You feel uneasy]

[Agility decreased by 30%]

Heok... What was this ?

It looked like he had entered some kind of dungeon. He feared that going back now will lead him to getting caught by the Jackets.

The only escape was to stay in the cave.

"Light Orb"

[Light Orb, Lv 3

*Form an orb, to light up dark places.

*Cool down : 3 hours]

As Excel was going deeper into the cave. He felt something strange. There were no monsters in the cave. It has been an hour. But still he couldn't find anything.

But after walking, he saw light at what it seemed to be the end of the cave. But what he saw was something unexpectable.

Thank You for Reading.

Is this a review?



User avatar
22 Reviews

Points: 2378
Reviews: 22

Mon Jul 27, 2020 5:01 pm
deleted18 wrote a review...

Greetings writer,

I'll start my review by wishing you a good time of day (whenever you read this), and by hoping that you'll enjoy what I'll write here. Hopefully, it will give you a couple of things to reflect on and/or improve.

Since this is a short chapter, I can afford to dissect it and analyse a larger amount of pieces and give feedback, so here goes. First off, we have the enormous piece of exposition at the beginning. As a rule of thumb, it's best to not say it so out in the open like this. The narrator, here, objective, heterodiegetic and omniscient, possesses this knowledge, but he is supposed to 'show' it more than 'tell' it. Think of him like how a friend tells a story, with a little bit of personal style added onto it, whereas what you wrote is more how a teacher would pass on the information: bluntly and succintly. Try to shorten the amount of information you expose directly, and let the rest be gauged through context clues, or told by characters (not excessively, though), rather than by the narrator. For example, you could've had a player or a tutorial AI lay this all out.

Following that, we needn't read all the prompts the player has. These could more organically and enjoyably put in a descriptive paragraph, rather than seeing all the 'Yes/No's and '[Class] [Class] [Class]'s.

At the same time, I would advise you not to use dialogue tags in novels. Those are usually reserved for plays and sketches, rather than long-form writing. Use dialogue markers to specify who and how they are talking. For example:

'"You, are you the new guy?" Traviel asked all of a sudden.'

At the same time, as I said previously you've had one type of narrator (objective), but then proceeded to add a lot of marks for a more subjective narrator, namely the rhetoric questions, the personal remarks ('But with achievementd comes confidence and sometimes over confidence.') and the 'involved' nature of the narration. Try to keep a constant style, and not stray away from it, or else your risk ruining the immersion of the readers.

An overall, closing note would be to not be discouraged by what I said. I can tell you're a novice and that perhaps English isn't your native language (apologies if I overstepped) and that you just want to tell a story. And that's great! Just keep at it, take in the feedback people give you, but most importantly, read. Reading yourself is the best way to understand how a book is supposed to be written. Just read whatever you can find in English and try to emulate what you like, and I'm sure you'll progress.

Have a good day, dear author!

Random avatar
EXceL says...

Thanks. I will do better. This is my first time writing so I don't know many things

User avatar
64 Reviews

Points: 1460
Reviews: 64

Mon Jul 27, 2020 9:00 am
brotherGeo wrote a review...

Hello Comrade!
Welcome to YWS! Its good to have you here.

Year 2024. A company named Arnus released the first ever Vrmmorpg, Dunvir. It quickly became a sensation all over the world. Each time a 'Console' went on sale it went out of stock immediately. People from all age group were playing it.

Okay first up, you dumped way to much exposition in the first few paragraphs. Personally i don't mind some good world building and scene setting, but it's not the best habit to get into. your better off distributing information bit by bit throughout your story no matter the genre.

Excel : Oh. Nice to meet you.

Traviel : Follow me. Nowadays my jobs is to train newbies.

Excel follows Traviel to a training ground. He was given a Wooden staff.

First of all you used : to display dialogue which is wrong but later in the PK scene you used quotations, is there a reason for this or is it just an error. Another thing which happens all throughout your chapter is you, tell the reader whats happening it is better to show using words (i know it sounds confusing). Have you ever heard of show not tell, i made the same mistakes when i started writing but i got the hang of it eventually.

[Name : Excel

ID : 9706563635

Class : Light Mage(Normal)

Displaying statistics is fine but it is a bit excessive in this piece.

Overall, the story most certainly seems interesting, but definitely needs a lot of work. And from one new writer to another, the best thing to do is keep writing. And for extra measure read heaps of books, they say a good writer is a good thief... i mean reader. There are probably other things i haven't covered but i'm to tired to continue so i'm sure other reviewers will jump on it.
Keep writing!

Random avatar
EXceL says...


News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.
— John Oliver