The Earth didn't end in 2012; it just started over. None expected to make it back to 2012 but we did—for the 3rd time. Did I mention we've been genetically enhanced? You see, the human race divided into groups. Mammal. Reptile. Amphibian. Piscian. Insectian. Avian. Instead of puberty, you go through changes to determine which group you belong to. To top it off you have to face former friends, even siblings in the arena. While females are the lookouts, kinbearers, and politicians, males are trained throughout their lives for battle. Centuries ago the 3rd sun went supernova depleting resources. So every month a warrior from each group is sent into an all-terrain arena. Each month it's a different location. I'm sorry I almost forgot, I didn't introduce myself, my name is Cameron. See that picture? That's me.
I'm a chameleon, and of all the people in my group they pick me. Well I have a plan. Running headfirst into a fight is not it. I'm going to wait it out undetected, covering up my scent and using my chameleon genes to blend in, until the others kill each other. Did I mention the fight's tomorrow?Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, well this is an interesting piece here. On first glance I have to say as far as a first chapter goes, this one doesn't really work, because even starting right from the sort of size of this, its quite small, and it just doesn't really do enough here to be a first chapter, so in that sense I'd say this one needs a bit of a serious rewrite.
Moving more onto this premise though, it is quite an interesting one, and with how this sounds more like a pitch for a story than anything else, it actually sounds like something that could be interesting. The whole idea of the Earth coming to this stage isn't the most unique of directions for a story like this to go in but there are plenty of unique elements scattered about this one and I think there are enough elements to make this its own thing here.
The piece itself is a bit of a premise that is trying to be a chapter and it doesn't quite work, but if you tried to expand on this a bit, with this exposition being a little more spread out across the piece, and perhaps by adding some dialogue in here with another character or more thoughts from this character, it could be expanded into quite a nice first chapter, that ending is certainly a good point for something like a first chapter, its just the build up there is just not executed all that well.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Eran!!
I love this subject!!! I'm a little confused about the world having 3 2010s...... That's okay though.
I like the things you can change into. I'd probably be in the Mammalian or Avian....
This story has A LOT of potential, but it just needs a few tune ups.
1) The list of categories needs commas between them.
2) you missed in one spot a question mark.
3) You overly focus on the battle. tell us about life, how he was chosen, his fears, what rewards he will get. This chapter (I think) is too short to really pull me in. Right now, I'm not worried for him, and I don't particularly like him. He's too sure of himself. Tell us that maybe there is this Mammal guy who has been picked twice and always wins. Aren't you scared?? I know I would be.
Overall:
GREAT!! With a little tune ups, you'll have the BEST story ever!!
CHOW FOR NOW,
sionarama
ziggiefred please tell all of ur friends on YWS about this and love [edited]
Hey
Well, first of all I love the picture. It totally rocks. Your story definitely shows some potential. I felt though that you did not approach your subject well. It was as if I was reading a magazine article instead of a story. I think you should revisit the story again to also check for spelling mistakes because there are a couple in there. You know, get some suspense in there too because it is a story and you or Cameron is telling it. It is a novel right, judging by the chapter 1 in the title. I have to want to more. Your story line is great and it needs you to pull together all that passion and throw it in the story. There is no suspense in the story or originality. But, with more practice, I think we might have a winner here.