Published April 29, 2011
It's been five years since the war broke out and the virus spread, both taking countless lives. The war started when Hellstorm Industries (already owners of Russia) bought the American continent's. It wasn't long before europe and the remaining countries pulled together to form The Republic. War broke out between the Hellstorm and republic nations. Seven months of war then the flu came, inocent enough to give you a runny nose then leave your system.
Hellstorm Industries, being in the middle of a war, created a healing gene that repaired destroyed body tissue, g56, then distributed it to troops. The only the only things it can't protect is your brain and heart. Then a plant worker that dealt with the waste product of creating the gene caught the flu. He then he sneezed in a waste container for g56 wich was then shipped to Anchorage, Alaska for disposal.
While the container was shipped from Washington to Alaska, the flu changed to a deadly virus in wich your skin rots off and you have a huge craving for, well, skin. A drop of this solution,aka v720, dropped on a worker's boot then made contact with his skin. In a hopeless rage the man infected several medics, and started a long two year process of the eastern states being infected. Hellstorm held a line, so the virus stoped before it hit the Great River, but at the cost of several civilians, trapped on the other side.
Two more years of war and small virus breakouts, wich were quickly handled, I joined Hellstorm Industries. I quickly became a section comander, meaning I controled 10% of the million man Hellstorm army, in six months time. Wich is my current job, its amazing how I did this in six months. I have no freinds but I'm not lonely, I have two comanders to talk to in my comfortable 67th floor living quarters in the Hellstorm Tower. Although life is pretty much a routine its not boring.
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139,496 Literary Works • 672,585 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
This one hits unusually close to home in the year that I'm reading but also well, this is not the most unique future that I've ever seen, the whole everything becomes bought out by companies thing has happened a few times, but well, this is certainly a fun start here. It gets your attention and it seems interesting.
OKay...now I've feel like we're seeing the start of one of those dangerous chains of events that end up leading to a catastrophe of some sort...and I'm loving the sense of impending doom that's slowly building here. Also the mention of some scientific sounding mumbo jumbo there is also a lovely touch in stories like this one.
Yup, this is definitely some serious doom right here, oh gosh, this looks like some kind of new take on zombies here, and I'm loving it. It is still a virus much like most zombie stories, but the whole skin thing instead of brains and this very convoluted process here really brings a very unique spin to things compared to most zombie related thing that I've run into.
The ending there tapers off a bit to the not that great territory. We've so far got what looked like an intense prologue here, but now we're getting first chapter vibes and its just this super rushed introduction to a character, and it all just comes together to make a few issues there as far as pacing is concerned. Overall, this is a really interesting concept and those first through paragraphs built a really nice picture, but I feel like the ending really didn't match up with the rest of the piece here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
It read almost like a prologue exposition, to me. That last paragraph though didn't fit well with the almost semi-omnipotent third person POV I got from the first three. I was starting to get immersed in this virus thing, picturing it in my mind, and it does seem like an immersion breaker to start using first-person pronouns so much in that last paragraph. Maybe its just me, but I think you should sprinkle some more in either the first three, which seems like a bad fix, or cut out some of the I's in the last one.
However, I liked the plot, it captured my interest pretty quickly.
~Vi
I read it. This was a major info dump! You should spread out this info across the first couple chapters using dialogue and passive descriptions. I liked the backgroundy feel of it, but it'd be much better spread out
Grammar was decent (fix the run-on sentences)
As for your writing style, I couldn't tell, because there wasn't much text to study! It's a good start, though, keep writing.
Well hello EOD. Ok, first things first, there are a few misspelled words--such as which and controlled. I like this piece, it's nice, but I think for a chapter you might want to make it a bit longer. Other than spelling, I found one thing that was messed up, so to speak.
Take one of the "he"s out of the sentence. Try "He then sneazed" because that sounds better than "Then he sneazed".
Spoiler
~Forsakinshadow~