I get a funny feeling,
It comes from deep inside.
I get all mad and angry,
Wanting to go and hide.
My doctor calls it depression,
My dad says it's just me.
But the thoughts and feelings,
No one will ever be able to see.
Some say I'm psycho,
some say I'm just weird.
It's like I'm a different person,
And the old me just disappeared.
I get really edgy,
I want to commit suicide real bad.
Then I get a headache,
Followed by feeling sad.
I wish I could get help,
I wish it would go away.
Maybe if I keep praying real hard,
It will some day
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This really didn't do anything for me; it was quite flat and bland. Remember to show rather than tell; this had no imagery whatsoever. You also used very simple vocabulary: "mad," "angry," "sad," etc.
Keep writing!
This is an emotional poem; you're dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts. Such strong emotions should be expressed with strong words and vivid images.
I think free-verse would have been more fitting for this poem; the rhyme was forced and made it seem sing-song, which obviously should be avoided in a poem about depression.
To end on a positive note, welcome to YWS. I hope this helped and I'm sorry if it seemed unnecessarily harsh; it wasn't intended to be.
Yoi.
This sentence doesn't work. "I get all mad and angry, wanting to go and hide." It just sounds gross. "I get all man and angry, and want to go and hide." It's better, but it still isn't a good sentence. Which is the problem, the sentence have nothing to them, really. They're just bare words. You need to put more into it, really.Well, first off your sentences were overly simple, as was the rhyme scheme. Both those facts smothered it thoroughly.
Next off, you navel gazed to the max, which means all you did was talk about yourself. And that's all it is, just a lot of stuff about you. And I hate to say it, but you don't make an interesting poem. [No one makes an interesting poem on their own.]
We want sounds, smells, images, visuals, feelings, thoughts. We don't want a list about yourself and what is probably just teenage angst. [Hey, I've been there too. Except, I actually do have a mental disorder.]
My major suggestion: read more poetry. Please.
I really wouldn't try to edit or rewrite this. There isn't anything about it to save, because it's so purposeless.... And poetry should be written with a goal in mind, with some idea of what you want to make the reader feel or think. Sorry.