z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

a part of a longer story, maybe book?

by EKK15


“Shh, shh.” The vile hoodlum wiped the tears from Cleo’s face and pressed a kiss on her forehead. Her lips were chapped and rough, the skin poking into Cleo’s. “Don’t struggle darling. You’ll only make it worse for yourself.”

“I’ll never, ever, give into you.” Cleo spat into her face, specks of saliva sitting on her pointed chin. “Not as long as there’s a sun somewhere in the universe, and a moon here to guide me when the sun falls asleep.”

The woman stepped back, and closed her eyes, as if to put out a fire, squeeze it shut, cut off its oxygen. Her fists clenched too, as tight as her eyes. Her knuckles were white. Cleo turned away, as well as she could, and stared out the tiny space between each of the 4 bars on the window. It was almost dark outside, and the snow on the ground was brown and messy. For a second Cleo thought the blood would still be there, from when Lara was beaten. She was brought back to the room, the moment, when the clatter of shackles on her ankles rummaged across the floor, as she moved her feet.

There was nothing left in Cleo’s eyes. Sans hate, sans love, sans everything.

Morano hadn’t wanted this. Of course, she wanted Cleo to stop fighting. Cleo wasn’t even a part of their family; an outsider with meddling tendencies was never any good to a thousand year old family. She wanted her broken, despondent for a moment, but to have Cleo staring blankly at the walls of a rock cellar, terrified of her own power, of her own voice, wasn’t what she wanted.

“Darling, you’re beautiful.” Morano said, the way Claus had before he died in her arms all those years ago. “You don’t need to be scared with me I promise you that. Anything you could try to do to hurt me, I could stop. You can’t hurt me, you’re safe with me. You couldn’t hurt me if you tried. You wouldn’t because maybe you realize I’m just like you.”

Cleo turned back to her for a moment. That absence of light in her was familiar to Morano.

“I love her,” Cleo whispered, as tears fell.

“Ha,” Morano chuckled. “You hurt her. You let them beat her. You could’ve killed her. Do you really think she is ever going to want you back?”

Cleo felt around the floor for something, anything. She grasp the legs of her stool and flung into the air faster than Morano could speak. She thrust the chair towards Morano, only to be met with a sudden stop.

“Thats,” Morano began, clenched teeth, angry voice. “Enough.”

Cleo kept pushing, kept trying to overcome the stop.

“I said, that’s enough,” the villain caught hold of Cleo’s wrists, physically pushing the weapon aside. It fell to the floor. Morano drew Cleo in close; she was shaking and crying with screams. The embrace was one that would’ve been comforting, had the shackles not provided a restraint. “There, there. Easy now, you’ve been hurt enough for one day.”

There was such power in the way Morano could make someone who loathed her, melt away into her hands. Become vulnerable once again.

Cleo kept struggling, but eventually her limbs felt the weight of effort, and she slipped out of the villains arms and onto the floor. She was a ball of incoherent screams, those of someone being eaten alive, and spasming body parts. Morano bent down and touched her arm. Cleo turned her head.

“Shh,” Morano sounded almost empathetic. It’s enough. You’ve done all you can do. You’ve fought so bravely, but just this once, listen to me. There is absolutely no shame in surrendering, and living another day. And I can help you do that. I can keep you alive, safe, happy even. I can keep Lara alive, safe, happy. You just have to trust me. You can do that right?”

Cleo choked on the flem in her throat. She looked back at the ceiling, remembering the way lara used to watch the stars at night, the clouds in the day. She remembered the picnics, and the time they fell into the lake, kissing on the dock at midnight. She remembered the wonder, the love, the passion, and the cold water. It was almost enough to make her smile.

Morano slid her hand onto Cleos’, intertwining their fingers. The smile was gone, and Cleo looked back over at her captor.

“I can make you okay,” Morano said smiling softly. “Trust me. It will save her. Trust me.”

“Ok,” Cleo said, surprising herself. Those weren’t her words. They weren’t Lara’s either. “I trust you.”

Morano tightened her grip on Cleo’s hand. Cleo wiped her cheek with the free hand and sat up, moving her legs, and making a clinking sound, to her chest.

“I have a few rules, my darling.” Morano said, putting her hand under Cleo’s head, and turning it. Cleo had the brightest blue eyes, but they seemed a bit too grey for Morano’s liking. “You stay by me. You don’t ever leave, even when you are on your own you are mine, my trophy, my property, my lover.”

“Ok.”

“You will follow my every order, answer my every beckon and call. I don’t care what is asked of you, you do it.”

“I understand.”

“And,” Morano said looking back and forth between the two eyes. “Nobody touches you other than me, do you understand, Clementine?”

Cleo looked at the villain with her mouth slightly fallen. She saw the way death touched her brown eyes. She was scared. She hated this, this feeling of being protected, when everything was all wrong and there was nothing safe about this little game at all. Morano was not kind. Only possesive.

“Yes,” Cleo said. Defeat. She wanted to cry again.

“Good,” Morano said. “Very good.”


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Sun Dec 03, 2017 5:47 pm
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Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing.

This story portrays how a Lesbian, Morano, forces the seduction of a female captive named Cleo. It convincingly conveys the inner struggle of Cleo and her final surrender to the constant pressure of the seemingly invincible seductress because she wishes to protect a friend named Lara.

Morano is described as belonging to a certain family. What that family does or what they are is never revealed. Based on Morano’s behavior we can justifiably assume that they are not good people, if they are people at all. The story does effectively convey the captive’s helplessness and the strong dominance which is characteristic of such domineering individuals.


Suggestions:

possesive. [possessive]

phlegm not flem

4 bars [four bars]

“Thats,” [That’s]

lara [Lara]

Clementine?” [Cleo is short for Cleopatra not Clementine
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cleo. ]




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Sun Dec 03, 2017 4:28 pm
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KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hey there! I rarely review stories, so please bear with me for a review! xD

Overall, definitely looking forward to the next portion of this story. I'm very curious to see where this goes, especially since I'm pretty sure Cleo isn't truly giving in to this Morano character. Very interesting start!

The woman stepped back, and closed her eyes, as if to put out a fire, squeeze it shut, cut off its oxygen.

I love this way of describing this... Something as simple as closing her eyes... You have a very good way of turning a simple action that can be written so blandly into an actual interesting line. I really feel the anger/frustration the villain feels just through this line alone.

My Suggestions:

“Shh, shh.” The vile hoodlum wiped the tears from Cleo’s face and pressed a kiss on her forehead. Her lips were chapped and rough, the skin poking into Cleo’s.

My initial reaction to this first paragraph was confusion. Seeing "vile hoodlum" made it clear the person was a villain but her actions almost felt genuinely caring until she spoke again. In my opinion, It would be more clear to make her actions sinister to start.

She wanted her broken, despondent for a moment, but to have Cleo staring blankly at the walls of a rock cellar, terrified of her own power, of her own voice, wasn’t what she wanted.

Maybe separate this into two sentences, as it feels a bit run-on. Also, when you say "terrified of her own power" "of her own voice", because of the way you wrote this sentence it sounds like you're talking about Cleo's 'power' and 'voice' which I would assume wasn't intended. Maybe make that more clear?

“I said, that’s enough,” the villain caught hold of Cleo’s wrists, physically pushing the weapon aside.

The weapon? Wasn't it a stool? This part confuses me a bit, because when I see weapon, I think of an actual weapon.

Other than a few grammar and structure issues, the only other suggestion I have is with describing the characters. I'm left unsure of what Morano looks like other than the fact that she's a woman. Also, Cleo has blue-gray eyes (which was described via Morano's dislike of the more grayish aspect of her "brightest blue eyes", which felt a bit contradictory to me). A character named "Claus" was mentioned only by his apparent death in the villain's arms, and I think it would have helped to at least mention his relationship to the characters. And Lara, other than being loved by Cleo, why was she beaten in the place where the villain in holding Cleo captive? Was it by this gang that the villain is in? Or? This seems very unclear to me, and I feel like that should at least be somewhat answered in this part.

Other than those suggestions, I really feel like this story has MASSIVE potential. Most of the questions I'm left with can easily be answered in coming chapters, so I'm very excited to see if you write more. I'll definitely be keeping a look out for more! :D

Keep writing,

-Katja




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Sun Dec 03, 2017 4:14 pm
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liehart wrote a review...



This is certainly very intense, and Morano is very well written, she comes across as absolutely terrifying. This is a very interesting scene, but is just that- a scene. I don't know if this works as a short story because it feels like something bigger, as there's not really any context nor much plot progression in that the ending of this doesn't feel like one as such, but more of a beginning. You of course said that it is part of a longer story, so it's not really a problem anyway!

The writing itself is nearly always strong, it's just the wording 'shaking and crying with screams' doesn't really make sense? But other than that, the descriptions and dialogue are very vivid and emotive. I'm now really worried for Cleo, and would be intrigued to see where this goes.




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Sun Dec 03, 2017 5:12 am
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Trashcan wrote a review...



Very interesting! I'm interested in seeing if this becomes a fully fledged story or not, it certainly has potential.
Keep in mind, this is less of a review and more of a suggestion, I don't mean to be rude, so I'm sorry if I come across that way.
I only really have one complaint with this story. I love the descriptive words you use, you have those down pat, however, I have a few issues with the way your story flows at some points.
For example, at the end of paragraph three, "The woman stepped back, and closed her eyes, as if to put out a fire, squeeze it shut, cut off its oxygen. Her fists clenched too, as tight as her eyes." It's a really minor thing, but I think the paragraph would flow a little better if you didn't include the fact that her fists were closed as tightly as her eyes, it just doesn't seem necessary to me.
Here's another, in paragraph five, "She wanted her broken, despondent for a moment, but to have Cleo staring blankly at the walls of a rock cellar, terrified of her own power, of her own voice, wasn’t what she wanted." To make this flow better, I would put a period after the word moment and take out the word but. Splitting this up into two sentences would help the sentences fit in better with the rest of the paragraph, which if mainly short to medium length sentences. Throwing in a super long sentence at the end of this paragraph totally throws off the flow.
That's really all I have to say, other than a few minor errors with punctuation and commas here in there, there's really nothing else to write here. I'm interested to see how this potential story turns out.





Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
— Quentin Crisp