There was a scene change between the part 1 and part 2.
“Daddy. I’m home,” Fate said as she walked through the door. Fate’s mom was never there when she got home afterschool because she was that the market getting the supplies for supper. “Daddy?” she began to beg for a response his chipper face wasn’t in the door way to bombard her with questions about her day, the ones she’d normally try to ignore.
“Daddy,” she roamed every hall and scanned every room, but he was nowhere to be found. Distressed and annoyed she paced the kitchen floor intently, but without a purpose. Then she found a small card on the table, it had her name on it.
She drew it up and began to read the nearly illegible handwriting that was her father’s:
Fate,
I had an emergency meeting down town. I am sorry I wasn’t able to be here after school. The meeting is official business, and I will tell all about it when I return. Just lock the doors, because your mother’s mom asked her to come over, I hate leaving you alone but I’m sure you’ll manage. I know you’ll be just fine. Don’t invite anyone over, and I should be home around 9 10 o’clock, stay up if you’d like, if you don’t I won’t take it personal.
Love,
Dad.
“Ug. The last thing I wanted today was to be alone,” she muttered as she opened the fridge to find another note from her dad giving her instructions on what to make for supper.
After poorly configuring the recipe, she ate the sad meal alone, and then glanced at the clock. “Only 6:30,” she moaned as she tried to figure out what to do next. She had homework, but had finished it during study hall. For a few moments she sat there, with nothing on her mind but yet she couldn’t stop thinking about it.
In the pool full of blood, I still bared a pulse. My only chance for survival was to reach the breach in the bottom of the pool. As I swam I saw Damien, motioning for me to come. I kicked my legs and swung my arms, willing myself to go lower into the pool. Then I reached it, and I thought I would just fall down to safety but I couldn’t, there was glass blocking my entry way. Banging on the glass only seldom air left in my mouth I was going to die, right now. “Help,” I screamed in watery dismay, but Damien was no longer there, in fact there wasn’t a hole in the pool at all, I just drowned myself…
The telephone rang loudly for the hundredth time, “Are you going to answer that?” Damien’s voice swam in Fate’s ear; she looked up to see him, in a ghostly silhouette. He wasn’t quiet present, but was still there. “I should,” she mumbled still in disbelief, and picked up the phone off the wall, “Hello?”
“Fate, sweetie, I am sorry but this theology convention is going longer than I thought and I won’t be back until like, around midnight.”
“Don’t worry dad, I have a feeling I’ll be perfectly fine,” her voice was completely mellow now that she was awake. “Yes dad…of course daddy…love you too…yeah yeah I won’t wait up…bye daddy.”
“Daddy?” Damien teased, as he propped himself against the counter. Fate blushed intensely and tried to hide the fact she was checking her hair. “I think your hair looks just fine,” Damien spoke softer as he got so close where it would have made contact but he wasn’t fully physical yet and his matter overlapped with her presence. A cold feeling had shocked her as he stood there.
“Why are you here?” she asked trying to sound skeptical not curious.
“I said would return for you,” his voice was steady and smooth like a metronome. Fate had turned to see his face and his eyes were soft and sincere, her eyes stayed there for a while before he jerked her gaze away. “You can’t do that, don’t ever look directly into my eyes…it’s deadly,” he tried to make himself sound serious, instead of scared.
“What do you mean?”
“My eyes…if you look directly into them you…you…you burn—to ashes.” He heaved a deep breath at the glare she was giving him.
“You’re just intimated, my gaze is too captivating,” she turned her gawk into a flirtatious laugh. That’s when his stare became serious, and her laugh began to slowly fade away, “you’re serious? You’re really telling the truth?”
“Have I ever lied to you,” his voice was a smooth and soft seriousness that made her joints want to unhinge and fall into his arms, well the arms that she wished were there. Then he cocked his head to side like he heard his name being called, “I am sorry my beautiful girl, but being an angel has, slave written in the fine prints, and I just got paged.” He started to laugh and then disintegrated away.
Once the room returned to its normal stillness, Fate couldn’t help but let her heart wonder to what his hands would have felt like. The way his skin would melt into hers, as she held him so tight, her memory was worn away at the seams within a few minutes. That’s when the ceiling felt like it was caving in, and when the glass shattered in her ears.
Claws on metal, she heard, and she saw. Reckless and deadly they charged in all directions, it was a terrible infestation of demonic entities. All she could hear were their devilish scowls that sounded like the gibberish you’d hear from child. Though their horns they all looked young, new—recently born. “What do you want?” she begged as they began to close her into the corner. They cried to her, like she was their mother. “Please, let me help you. What do you need,” she held her palms offering all that she could if she were capable of holding anything in her hands.
The room got quiet and you could hear her heart racing, and the sweat bead fall and hit the floor, “You,” was the only thing that was comprehendible. Then they screeched and clung to her shirt, scratching and tearing into her skin. Fear was so thick in her throat that her screams were inaudible.
“Fate! Fate, wake up,” her tall father still dressed in his work clothing was over her. She had been thrusting her body to and fro and mumbling under her breath.
“What what? Daddy!” she flung herself into his arms drenched in tears.
“It’s alright baby, Daddy’s here. It was just a dream,” his motivation came out soothing and quickly as he tried to ease her pain.
“Okay,” she sniffed up the last tears she had in her eyes, “I think I ought to go up to bed now. You know sleep it off,” before he could object, interrogate or care she was gone. Once she was safely behind the doors of her room, she had pulled up her shirt to see deep blue scars. It wasn’t a dream, it really did happen, I know it did.She tried to convince herself.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I liked this chapter better than the last one.I your descriptions of Damien. I do have one suggestion though there is a part in the story where you say "there was nothing on he mind but she couldn't stop thinking about it. The first part of the sentence contradicts the second part. I think the book is great you have such colourful characters.

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