E - Everyone

Mission Critical: Race Against Time - Prologue

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The pool deck had been buzzing with activity all morning. The warm Mediterranean sun bounced off the water, the gentle breeze creating little waves that splashed against the sides of the pool. Out here, far from the land Sophie had wanted to escape, the sea stretched endlessly. It was like they were the only people there. Despite the noise of the ship, it was strangely peaceful. For the first time in months, she felt free. She had chosen the cruise for Lyla, her daughter. It was a little adventure before everything changed. Before school uniforms and early morning routines would become the norm. Lyla was only four, still small enough to reach for her mother’s hand without thinking twice, still young and innocent enough to see the world as bright and endless. Sophie had wanted to hold onto that for as long as she could. And out here, for a little while, it felt like she had.

Lyla loved it here. She moved through the deck like she belonged to it, barely still for more than a second. Darting between loungers, stopping to dip her hands into the pool before running off again, her laughter not stopping for a moment. Every few minutes she would glance back, making sure Sophie was still there, flashing a quick grin before finding another deck chair to run around or another toddler to chase. There had been nothing wrong with her. Nothing that mattered, anyway. Maybe she’d been a little quieter the night before. A little more tired. She hadn’t eaten much of her dinner, pushing her food around the plate before declaring she wasn’t hungry. But that was easy to explain. The late nights, too much sun, too much excitement. Sophie had noticed it of course, but Lyla had still woken up full of energy, still begging to go straight back to the pool deck, still pulling at Sophie’s hand until she gave in.

It was 10am when Sophie got up to the pool deck. The sun was high overhead now, the heat pressing down onto the open deck. Towels were draped over chairs, drinks half-finished and sweating in the warmth. At one end of the pool, a child shrieked as they jumped into the water, followed by a chorus of laughter. This was turning into another normal day on the ship. Sophie found an empty deck chair and eased herself down into it, stretching her legs out, letting the warmth settle into her skin. She picked up her book, flicking it open where she’d left off. Sophie turned a page, shifting slightly in her chair, the breeze brushing lightly across her skin. She could hear Lyla’s laughs as she ran between the chairs, chasing another child. Then, it went quiet. Sophie looked up, she saw Lyla, sat by the pool, playing with the water. She turned her eyes back to her book. She didn’t need to watch her closely. Not here. Out here she was safe.

Sophie looked down at her watch. Twenty minutes had gone by, and Lyla hadn’t come back to see her. Not even a quick stop for a sip of her drink. This was unusual. Sophie looked up from her book, but Lyla was nowhere to be found. She had been near the edge of the pool, talking to another little girl. Sophie assumed they must have gone to the end of the pool, and she might not be able to see her. ‘Lyla?’ Sophie called softly. Lyla might not be far away, but she just wanted to know she was safe. She looked towards the pool. The shallow end. The steps. The group of small children playing near the middle. A feeling of unease hit her. She lowered the book slowly. ‘Lyla?’ she called again, her voice trembling slightly. Nothing. Now Sophie was standing, scanning each area carefully, her eyes darting around the pool. The noise of the other guests seemed louder now, harder to block out, harder to make sense of. She moved forward, weaving between deck chairs, her eyes darting from one small figure to the next, desperately looking for Lyla. Then she saw her. Sophie’s chest tightened. For a second, she couldn’t breathe.

At the far side of the pool, partially hidden by a row of chairs, Lyla was lying on her side, her cheek pressed against the hot surface. For a second, Sophie didn’t understand what she was looking at. ‘Lyla!’ she screamed. She was running before she even realised, people turning as she pushed past them. The sounds of the deck blurred, distant and distorted. It was like there was no one else there. She dropped to her knees beside her daughter. Lyla’s eyes were half open, but they weren’t seeing anything. ‘Lyla, sweetheart, can you hear me?’. But Lyla did not respond. Her skin felt warm, too warm. When Sophie turned her gently onto her back, Lyla didn’t react. Her body moved like a doll that she played with, as if she wasn’t there. ‘Can someone help me…anyone…hey…anyone?’ Sophie’s voice cracked as she looked up, panic breaking through. People were gathering around her now. Watching. Someone reaching for a phone, desperately calling the crew. Another already moving closer. ‘Lyla…Lyla look at me’ Sophie begged, her hands shaking as she brushed hair from her daughter’s face. ‘Come on sweetheart, open your eyes’. Lyla’s chest rose. She was breathing. Barely.

A crew member pushed through the forming crowd, their hand gripping their radio. When he saw Lyla, his face changed. ‘We need the doctor to the pool deck…now’ he said, the panic in his voice showing through. He dropped to one knee beside Lyla, his eyes scanning her quickly. ‘What happened?’ he asked, trying to sound brave, but the tremble in his voice said otherwise. ‘I don’t know,’ Sophie said, shaking her head, words coming out as stutters. ‘She was fine, she was just playing…’. Lyla made a faint sound. Her eyes flickered for a moment, unfocused, then drifted again. She was alive, but barely. ‘I just found her…I just…’ Sophie’s voice broke. Panic was setting in. Her hands were shaking; she felt her head spinning. Thoughts raced through her head so fast she could barely think. ‘Okay…Okay.’ He nodded, moving to Lyla’s side. ‘We’ve got help coming’ he said confidently, looking back towards the stairs that led up to the pool deck from below. He pressed his fingers lightly against Lyla’s wrist. He found a pulse. It was weak but it was there. And then, just for a moment, his expression changed. A small amount of relief. Around them, the noise of excitement had been replaced with the quiet murmurs of worry. People weren’t relaxing anymore. They were watching, waiting. They all knew, instinctively, that something was wrong.

The quiet around them gave way to a thunder of boots on the ship’s deck. The crowd parted and the crew member gave a sign of relief. It was the ship’s doctor, followed closely by a nurse and another member of the crew. He dropped beside Lyla, his eyes looking her over from head to toe. ‘What have we got?’ he asked, his voice calm but authoritative. ‘Four-year-old female,’ the crew member replied. ‘Found unresponsive. Breathing shallow. Unknown cause.’ The doctor nodded once. ‘Lyla,’ he said firmly, tapping her shoulder. ‘Lyla, can you hear me?’ Lyla grunted, her body still wasn’t moving. Sophie watched his face, searching for something, anything, that might tell her this was going to be okay. But there was nothing, just a clear, unbroken focus on the job at hand. ‘Get me the oxygen cylinder,’ he said sharply. The nurse turned and ran off, her steps pounding against the deck. The doctor glanced up briefly, his eyes flicking across the deck, then out towards the open sea, the same emptiness Sophie had come here to embrace. Now it felt different. It felt too empty. He looked back down at Lyla, his jaw tightening. ‘Let’s move,’ he said, the urgency in his voice cutting through the tension. ‘We don’t have time to wait.’ 

Comments & reviews · 4
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Nice story! It has a really good hook, keeping readers wanting more. You did a great job building the atmosphere and the sense of dread. I can tell that there are hints as to what is actually going on; something deeper than the story lets on so far. I only found one thing that might need correcting. It's when the doctor just knows Lyla's name. Maybe you could add a part where Sophie says 'Lyla' in the doctor's presence, letting him know her name. Anyways, nice work!

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noridori
Review

Great opening, in my opinion. I love the way you describe the surroundings. It's very vivid and immersive. 'Darting between loungers, stopping to dip her hands into the pool before running off again, her laughter not stopping for a moment.' - i would have reformulated this or tried to cut it down a little for better flow. it's good, but right now it feels like it's doing a lot of work for just one sentence.


the second paragraph shows us very well who lyla is as an energetic toddler, but also hints at something being wrong which creates a nice, subtle intrigue. however 'Sophie had noticed it of course, but Lyla had still woken up full of energy, still begging to go straight back to the pool deck, still pulling at Sophie’s hand until she gave in.' is a bit long and i would try to break it up or trim a bit to avoid confusion for the reader.


'Sophie turned a page, shifting slightly in her chair, the breeze brushing lightly across her skin.' - i would have cut that last part with the breeze. you've already done a great job at building the atmosphere, immersing the reader and hinting at the stakes, and i think this description (though not bad) is a bit unnecessary. i believe the text would flow better without it.

the next paragraph was great. if you wanted you could make the section where sophie looks for lyla a bit longer. you've already started to build a subtle intrigue so when sophie loses sight of lyla the reader feels like something is about to happen which is great, but then the moment is over pretty quick. i think adding just a few more sentences could make the last line hit even harder.

the next paragraph was also very good. you portray sophie's panic very well through the narrator's voice (e.g 'her voice cracked'), but it doesn't 100% carry over to sophie's own voice. i think adding a ! or making it a bit longer would make a big difference.

this same thing happens in the next paragraph. you understand the urgency of the situation and the character's reactions are logical, but 'we need a doctor. now.' doesn't sound very urgent. on this same note i think you portray sophie's shock after finding her daughter in such a state (‘I don’t know,’ Sophie said, shaking her head, words coming out as stutters. ‘She was fine, she was just playing…’.) very well. the doubt/disorientation works because it feels fitting and natural in this exchange.

the medical professionals in the last paragraph also have good monologues/dialogues. they're short with each other in a way that sound professional. my only question is how the doctor knew lyla's name? i didn't see anyone tell him and i assume he wasn't on the deck and heard sophie calling it out.

overall i really liked this story. i can't say i've read something similar to this before, and i'm curious as to what happened with lyla and how she's doing now. great work!

User avatar
Tikaya
Review
Tikaya wrote a review · Fri Apr 10, 2026 11:05 am

Good morning! With 1 in 12 odds your story was finally chosen =D

My first impression is actually that the story looks very evenly spaced. All the paragraphs have basically the same length. Let’s see if that is a good, bad or neutral thing =D
Tied into that is that your sentences in the very beginning all have a very similar rhythm. And that tends to be a bad thing. The sentences are short and to the point, which makes it a little harder to evoke emotion and investment.

The second paragraph works much better. I like how Sophie thinks abt her daughter and that Lyla is so full of energy! I also think that the seed that something is wrong is well planted without disrupting the narration too much!

Tsk there they are again, the German tourists: “Towels were draped over chairs” =D

Ah and here is what I feared: paragraphing. The similar paragraph length tends to mean that you don’t properly space out dialogue.
Dialogue should generally go into its own paragraph, like here:

‘Lyla?’ Sophie called softly.
That can and should be an entire paragraph all to itself :3

Oh that is such a good line to show her increased anxiety: “The noise of the other guests seemed louder now, harder to block out, harder to make sense of.“

I like how you describe the reactions of the people to the situation. That most do nothing, some call for the crew and that the crew calls for the doctor. I just… really like that you show this procedure.

And… with more than one person speaking, the paragraph gets even more jumbled and it’s harder to follow who says what. Another reason why each speaker should get their own paragraph =D
(Unless you are doing a challenge where every paragraph has to have the same amount of words but achieving that with proper dialogue paragraphing sounds like a nightmare @,@)

Uh how did they know Lyla was 4 yrs old? And how did the doctor know her name?

Oh I do wonder what happened, if Lyla had a pre-existing condition that Sophie kinda knew about or if the bad feeling from paragraph 2 was just a flashforward to this happening?

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Thank you for the feedback, it is much appreciated. I get what you're saying about paragraphs, I've been working on changing it up to try and slow the pace a little as it feels too fast in some places. With regards to the plot holes I've been filling these in, I honestly did not notice them until it was pointed out and it was a very easy fix. The perspective of the story will change in the main chapters, I think it will still tell a good story but from an interesting perspective.

User avatar
canopy
Review
canopy wrote a review · Thu Apr 09, 2026 11:24 am

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Hello @EC4466 Detective Ira here, I have apparently stumbled upon your manuscript while searching for clues in the Devil’s Library, which is where I believe the ancient magical book of Toramu is hidden. Since I’m already here, I shall give my opinion on this piece of yours.

Though I have to say it is very strange that I should find your writing here……. hmmm…..

What I can see


Wow this was really well written!! I enjoyed reading this. I particularly love the foreshadowing throughout the beginning. As a reader it's like you're holding your breath, just waiting for something to go wrong. I like that the details of the surroundings were vivid so I could visualize the scene easily, but the details of the context were sparse adding this sense of mystery and intrigue and even dread.

I like how you tell the reader things without specifically stating them. For example with Sophie you didn't tell us her age but you did tell us she has a four year old child, which gives the reader an approximation of how old Sophie could be, and what situation she could be in.

I also liked the ending, a cliffhanger and well executed. The thing I like the most is that it is believable, realistic. There's nothing there that makes go "Well that's far fetched." Especially since something bad has happened to a child that makes it all that much more emotional and that much more impactful.

Have to say though, the foreshadowing was definitely my favourite part!

Under the magnifying glass


A suggestion I would give is that your paragraphs are a little large and clunky. Work on your spacing, especially around dialogues. Not only will this make it easier on the eyes but it can also enhance the dramatic sense of what you are writing if done right.

For example your fourth paragraph can be made ~

Sophie looked down at her watch. Twenty minutes had gone by, and Lyla hadn’t come back to see her. Not even a quick stop for a sip of her drink. This was unusual.
Sophie looked up from her book, but Lyla was nowhere to be found. She had been near the edge of the pool, talking to another little girl. Sophie assumed they must have gone to the end of the pool, and she might not be able to see her.

‘Lyla?’ Sophie called softly. Lyla might not be far away, but she just wanted to know she was safe. She looked towards the pool.

The shallow end.

The steps.

The group of small children playing near the middle. A feeling of unease hit her. She lowered the book slowly. ‘Lyla?’ she called again, her voice trembling slightly.

Nothing.

Now Sophie was standing, scanning each area carefully, her eyes darting around the pool. The noise of the other guests seemed louder now, harder to block out, harder to make sense of. She moved forward, weaving between deck chairs, her eyes darting from one small figure to the next, desperately looking for Lyla. Then she saw her.

Sophie’s chest tightened. For a second, she couldn’t breathe.


Closing the case


Overall this was a great read and I'm looking forward to reading the next part! Feel free to tag me if you would so like.

It was lovely going through this manuscript of yours. Everything expressed was my opinion, feel free to accept or reject whatever you want.

If you have any clues relating to the book of Toramu or anything you want to clarify feel free to contact my alias, ahem, my dear friend @canopy.

Until next time!!

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Thank you for the feedback, it was really appreciated. I'm glad the feelings of dread and anxeity came across, I was trying to get that feel when writing it. I won't reveal what it really is until a few chapters later, I have a few more hints to drop in upcoming chapters to build the picture and give a bit more context. I've reworked the paragraph spacing to better pace the chapter and have worked on this in the next chapter, soon to follow.



I know history. There are many names in history, but none of them are ours.
— Richard Siken