Prologue
Not too long ago, approximately 8 years, the legend of the Swinging Child came into existence. In the small suburban town of Maplewood, the most exciting thing seemed to be the annual baking sale. Underneath the surface though, story after story began to rise after one fateful day. May 17th, a Sunday that was relatively normal for everyone in Maplewood, normal until word got around that a young child went missing. Nobody would have even commented on their disappearance or noticed it if an adult hadn't walked past the playground to see them swinging alone, only to return past the playground a few minutes later to see very little trace of the child being there in the first place except for the barely noticeable streaks in the pebbles by the still swaying swing that indicated the kid may have pulled themself to a stop.
Nobody came forward about missing their kid and the adult that reported the kid as possibly missing only had the description of overalls and short hair to give to the town's police department. With only that in mind, no one knew what to look for and the case ran cold by the end of the month. Soon after the disappearance though, people became cautious of letting children play on the playground under the worries that they may go missing without a trace as well. About a month or two after the kid went missing, things started going odd in the town. People started to claim that they felt someone watching them from the forest that Maplewood bordered, with children stating that simply walking past the playground made them feel scared without them even knowing the story. The claims slowly created theories about the child being the source, some claiming that the kid was watching from the forest to make someone else disappear to beliefs that the kid was staying at the playground as a ghost to make sure other children don't end up like they did. All of the theories seemed unbelievable; until there was a rag doll found at the playground one August day.
According to a passing couple, the playground seemed eerie and abandoned like normal since the disappearance. Before they could walk away fully, they noticed a pale rag doll with red yarn as hair that reached the shoulders of the doll, two small blue buttons for eyes, a thin black line for the mouth, a pink dot for a nose, and a simple shirt and pair of pants. It wouldn't have seemed out of the ordinary if it weren't for the fact that children barely hung out there anymore and that the rag doll was found face-up on the same swing the child was last seen on, the swing slightly swaying in the gentle wind. Some people used to chalk it up to someone playing a joke to mess with others, but others took it as a sign of the ghost truly being there or the doll being what the child looked like without overalls. After the doll was found, the police decided to take in the doll to try soothing out the panic among civilians and marked it as potential evidence for the child. The doll furthered the belief that something could be there soon after though.
Instead of the rag doll staying at the police station like expected, someone moved it to other locations, or the doll moved itself as an alternative that people preferred to believe. The doll would be found back at the playground in random positions, near the edge of the forest, and sometimes even near the schools. No one in the town wanted to come out about someone being the one to move the doll, leading to people just settling on the belief that it was the doll. Even after those 8 years, there are people who come forward with their own experiences, and sometimes just loose claims, of seeing the doll or feeling like they are being watched around the forest or playground. Parents started the tradition of warning their children of the Swinging Child, telling them not to interact with the rag doll if they see it and not to play on the playground. After all of this time and talk though, someone is destined to get curious about it all or simply ignore it. This destined time appears when a child sees the rag doll and takes it home, not noticing at first that the doll seems to be watching their every move and suddenly speaking to them about things nobody else talked about beforehand...
...What could possibly go wrong?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
i really really enjoyed this piece. it's super atmospheric and mysterious, and it kept me invested the whole way through. it's a great prologue because i'm really curious about the rest of the story. you said you'd like feedback on your pacing and honestly i thought it was really good. you don't linger in the same spot for too long but you also don't feel rushed. great job. that being said i did pick up on a few things while reading. it might seem like a lot but they're just little things i promise
an adult seeing a little child all alone would probably not just brush it off but go see if they are okay. the same adult that would just walk past a possibly abandoned child would likely not report it missing a few minutes later, unless of course they returned to go check on the child and couldn't find it. i understand this isn't an important character but it feels a bit inconsistent.
'Nobody would have even commented on their disappearance or noticed it if an adult hadn't walked past the playground to see them swinging alone, only to return past the playground a few minutes later to see very little trace of the child being there in the first place except for the barely noticeable streaks in the pebbles by the still swaying swing that indicated the kid may have pulled themself to a stop.' - this sentence is pretty long and i would break it up in 2 sentences or trim it a little. also themself should be themselves but that's just a little typo nothing big
'things started going odd in the town' - i've never heard someone say 'going odd' before. i would probably have said something like 'strange things started happening', but english isn't my first language so this might just be a phrase i'm unfamiliar with
'People started to claim that they felt someone watching them from the forest that Maplewood bordered, with children stating that simply walking past the playground made them feel scared without them even knowing the story' - i feel like this formulation is a little vague, the first time reading this it made me pause and consider what you meant. it's not bad, but something like 'children who didn't even know the story felt scared' or such would be a bit clearer to the reader
'The claims slowly created theories about the child being the source, some claiming that the kid was watching from the forest to make someone else disappear to beliefs that the kid was staying at the playground as a ghost to make sure other children don't end up like they did' - this sentence is also pretty long and is doing a lot of heavy lifting. i think it would be okay to break this up into 2 or even 3 shorter sentences for better flow and easier understanding for the reader
'According to a passing couple, the playground seemed eerie and abandoned like normal since the disappearance' - i would probably have formulated this a little differently since an eerie, abandoned playground and normal clashes a little for me. i would have substituted 'like normal' for 'as usual' or said something like 'eerie and abandoned, as it had been since the disappearance'
'Before they could walk away fully, they noticed a pale rag doll with red yarn as hair that reached the shoulders of the doll, two small blue buttons for eyes, a thin black line for the mouth, a pink dot for a nose, and a simple shirt and pair of pants. It wouldn't have seemed out of the ordinary if it weren't for the fact that children barely hung out there anymore and that the rag doll was found face-up on the same swing the child was last seen on, the swing slightly swaying in the gentle wind.' - a good chunk of this paragraph is made up of two sentences. i would probably have trimmed some of the descriptions of the doll and the 'swaying slightly in the gentle wind'. it's very immersive but also a bit heavy for the reader
'No one in the town wanted to come out about someone being the one to move the doll' - i would have switched coming out for coming forward because i associate coming out as in coming out of the closet but that might just be me lol
also the word 'though' is used four times. it works the last time but some of the earlier mentions i would probably have tried to switch it up because it sounds a little unnatural at times. it's not a big thing but it slightly interrupts the flow of some sentences.
also i really like the rhetorical question at the end. it feels sort of playful but also sets the tone for the rest of the story in a great way. hope you found this helpful!
Gosh, I really did, thank you! I honestly didn't think of the "come out" piece since my brain doesn't really associate it with that, and all of the descriptions of what I could fix; this is my literal heaven of what I want when I ask people what they think. Thank you again!
aww thank you so much i'm so glad i could help, i genuinely enjoyed your piece and i'd love to review more of your work in the future!
To be honest, I'm terrible at reviews, but I just wanted to say that this prologue is pretty well-written in my opinion. I didn't see any grammar/mechanical issues, except (maybe) the second-to-last sentence, which might be a run-on. The setting and timeline is very intriguing, and if there was more of the story I'd certainly be excited to read it!
(The review is helpful either way) Thank you! The rest of the story is certainly in progress, but I will definitely put the different chapters when I finish each one. I will check out the second-to-last sentence just in case, even if you aren't sure. The review helps, so thank you again.
[I clicked the wrong button, ignore this empty comment]