Cold

Ahem, well. This had a Matrix-style feel to it; in terms of the real world versu the Matrix, the illusion. Apart from that, I think whoever judges/reads this will be very impressed with your writing; its excellent.

Just a couple of thing's I'll mention. Over-use of ellipses: In some places it just doesnt fit, its out of place.

I want color again, and warmth, and…

“See, Angel,” he says, his voice cold… hard… real

“Erynn…” he laughs. “So did you…”

She stiffens. “Yes, Alek, I did…”

The pain leaves… The coldness remains

just something broken and beaten… Exactly the way I am feeling.

No... I want to keep my memories

I want to be afraid. I want to run away. I want to go back home

I want to turn, want to run, want to get away from him,

And I still don’t care.

But I want to care. How can this be? I feel dead. Or rather, I don’t feel anything. But I want to. I want to. Angrily, I take another drink.

Thanks much, Reichieru.

Me like. Definitely kept me interested. The dialogue was great. Very believable, which is a rare thing on sites like this. And I think you really did succeed in your original goal, simply to work on flow and imagery. Good job.

Thanks a ton. I think I agree with you on splitting up the paragraph *goes to modify post*

By the way, I love your signature. It's a great quote.

I want to be afraid. I want to run away. I want to go back home. But I can’t make myself feel that way. If I can’t feel anything here, then what makes me think that I’ll be able to feel the warmth back home? And what if I go back and the sun doesn’t make me feel anything? What if the color and the warmth do nothing for me anymore? What will I do then? No… I want to keep my memories of that place and that feeling intact. I won’t ruin them by going back to it and finding that it’s not what I believed it was.

Thanks to both of you.

Areida - Could you possibly tell me where the paragraphs would need to be broken up specifically? I thought I'd kept my paragraphs pretty short and after a quick read through, I couldn't really find the places you were talking about.

It's (for lack of a better word) unsettling. But excellent. Very well-written and gripping. I found Angel's fear easy to feel and was actually afraid along with her- something that is rather difficult to create. It was so sad how she ended up though...drowning herself in the bottle.....Alek is an evil, evil character.

All and all, you did a marvelous job...great descriptions and everything. The only suggestion I can make is to break up some of your paragraphs a bit more-- my eyes skimmed over several places that were important so I had to go back and reread.

I like it. It's deep, dark and disturbing.

*takes a bow* thank you very much!

Wow. Words cannot describe how much I admire this. The imagery you used with the dark vs. light is amazing. There was a desolate undertone ringing throughout the events--I felt like I really could relate to Angel's despair, especially in the end as she hopelessly downed bottle after bottle. Well done.

oh, i never thought of how you are with your parents and how you are with your friends in that way...
were you dragged into drinking/smoking/stuff/ well, not really dragged, but with peer pressure there's not really much difference...


*looks thoughtful*
~blue~

Uh... I'm not sure exactly why it mattered where the light was and where the dark was... that's the reason that I didn't feel the need to try and define that...

But if you really need the answer... for me, the light is out in the open where I don't have to hide things from my parents, and the dark where I do. They're not two defined locations really.

Wow, i like this.

But where is the light, and where is the dark?

Apart from that it's really, really good.

See above.