I rode each day, and saw the same fields, fish ponds, and farm houses from my seat on the right side of the train each day. I’d told myself I’d move to the left side eventually, after I’d seen enough of this side, but that was months ago and I hadn’t gotten my fill yet. I heard things out the window were more interesting on that side. But, I had grown fond of my window after all this time, and my seat always felt warm, as if just for me. What if the seat I moved to was cold and uncomfortable? I couldn’t risk that.
Today was cloudy, so the fields of hay didn’t stand out like the wavy blonde hair they usually did. The ponds reflected the clouds though, and in the few seconds of fleeting gazes I could give each one as the train muscled past, I saw the sky above mirrored in them.
I looked to my left, but I didn’t dare look out the window, (I couldn’t ruin it for myself before I finally did decide to sit there, on the off chance that I’d find the right seat.) at the redhead who sat there. She was beautiful, and never said a word to anyone when she got on or off. The only thing I’d ever heard from her was a cough, but it was sharp and stifled. She never looked unpleasant though. Like the Mona Lisa.
I toyed with the idea that if, or when, I decided to move over there, she would let me sit next to her. That way my new seat would be warm. The only question was whether or not she’d give me the window seat. I had to have that.
Her eye caught mine in a lazy sweep to the right. I looked away at once, but looked back when I was sure she wasn’t silently questioning my stare. Still, her expression was impossible to read. I shrugged a little, a mix between an apology and a smile, and turned back to the cattle field on my right. I could still feel her eyes on my cheek.
When I focused on what I was seeing outside, I recognized something I’d never seen before, and it surprised me. There was a great dead tree in the middle of the field the train was passing. I knew it hadn’t been there yesterday, or last week, or last month. It was a new fixture.
My head swiveled gradually as I watched the tree pass out of the frame of my window. It wasn’t contorted and sickly grey as most trees were after baking in the sun without the cover of their leaves. It looked simply like all its green had been removed while it slept.
I felt the telltale slowing of the train under me; we were nearing the station. Though explained by the strain of the train’s weight on the breaks, I found myself always questioning why it had to slow down so far from its stop to get there on time.
I wondered if tomorrow I would have the audacity to sit beside the beautiful redhead.
I left the train and was swept away into the herd heading to graze.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Tusker, you've came the closest to interpreting it accurately to the way I planned it out, so thank you.
And to Quibbons, there doesn't need to be some obvious plot if there's a different purpose behind it.
It's got a nice little message, the style is concise and efficient too. Spelling and grammar honestly seem fine to me.
And you're right I suppose the beauty of it is that it can be interpreted in so many different ways. Nicely written and thought out - just a question though. Was the train representing our journey through life? The way we're scared of taking the risks of change, the way we always think about and want to attempt speaking to our redhead but at times never pluck up the courage to, or procrastinate our work? I don't know - but I do know that it'll definitely strike the people who read it if they apply it to themselves in an open-minded way.
Again, nicely done - hope to see more.
-Tusker-
I like the piece, it has an individual tone. Their is of cause no story or plot in the traditional way. When i read it though it seemed more like a character investigation. The sort of thing you'd do if you were trying to understand a character better. Thats not meant in a negative way just that is what it seemed like to me. I think that it does needed something to hook the reader in more. Maybe some more about the character or about the women with red hair, just something human that doesn't change the tone to greatly.
Anyway good work.
I really liked how this was written. Not too much description, not too much inner thinking from the narrator. Just right. The piece itself also got me thinking a lot, so I think that I'll be mulling this over for the rest of the day! XD
Thank you, thank you.
A lot of tiny misunderstandings of tone I guess, but my style usually accompanies that.
And I never said I wanted only positive reviews. I said I would only enter it in a contest if I received positive reviews.
Dunnskee,
In desperate need of overwhelmingly positive reviews, hmm? Oh, pshh. Overwhelmingly positive reviews aren’t cool.
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I rode each day, and saw the same fields, fish ponds, and farm houses from my seat on the right side of the train each day.
Each day, each day. I know that each day.
Quote:
But, I had grown fond of my window after all this time, and my seat always felt warm, as if just for me.
No comma after “but”. Just slows the sentence down. “As if it were just for me”? I don’t know, I’d consider rephrasing, Awkward wording.
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What if the seat I moved to was cold and uncomfortable? I couldn’t risk that.
Heh.
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I looked to my left, but I didn’t dare look out the window, (I couldn’t ruin it for myself before I finally did decide to sit there, on the off chance that I’d find the right seat.)
Hmm. Odd structure. I’d get rid of the parenthesis and just add a dash.
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at the redhead who sat there.
What about her? Did the MC look at her? Or what?
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She never looked unpleasant though.
Comma.
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Like the Mona Lisa.
“a Mona Lisa”? So in the MC’s opinion Mona Lisa looks unpleasant, yes? Okay, but clear that out.
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I toyed with the idea that if, or when, I decided to move over there, she would let me sit next to her.
“that if” - awkward.
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I looked away at once, but looked back when I was sure she wasn’t silently questioning my stare.
But she was still looking at him? Yes?
Quote:
I left the train and was swept away into the herd heading to graze.
Comma.
***
Hmm. Hmmmm.
I really don’t have much to say. There isn’t much to talk about - I guess I’m not the philosophical type. The descriptions are nice, yes, and I liked your wording. But I think that you could still build around the description - there isn’t any action, and real plot, so the description has to be perfect.
Yes, yes, heavy metaphors. I'm not the philosophical type, I guess, so I'll stick to wanting the mood being built through description.
Cheers,
Esme
Heyyyy Dunn!
A lovely intro you got there. I especially love the last sentence concluding the intro - it gives a charming tone to the story.
This sentence is phrased somewhat awkwardly. It's not exactly wrong, but I stumbled over it a bit with its phrasing and I'm thinking you can definitely rework the word arrangement and make it better.
Hmm. Get rid of that period at the end of the parentheses.
Ahh! I must say, I did love this. I wish there had been more - besides the lovely descriptions of this man, it could be said that it was pointless, and I wish there was a point. But this is not entirely a bad thing. Mainly, I really just enjoyed the descriptions, and I found myself really liking your main character because of his quirky thought processes.
But I do feel like this should be longer. I think you should work on this some more.
Gold star from me. PM me if you have any questions!
~ Clo
I like the fact that it can be interpreted in many ways, just like with the other pieces I've written in similar styles.
People don't feel like devoting enough time to a piece though.
It doesn't seem like you will get many reviews in the first place. Unfortunately, many people don't realize (or pretend not to realize) that the two reviews per story rule is a minimum. I always try to do more than that.
On a side note, I would also like to add that the story was a bit hard to understand. Not the plot, just what the meaning behind the story was. Still, I enjoyed it, and individual interpretation can never be wrong if the reader is stubborn enough to believe he/she's always right.
Thanks for the critique, One.
I may enter this in a contest if I get overwhelmingly positive reviews.
Hmm. This was certainly very thought provoking, not to mention very well written. I'm not really sure what to say about it...grammar and spelling are fine, obviously. The descriptions were great...often times I find them dragging a story down when there is a lot of it, but this really intrigued me. It caught my attention, it painted a vivid scene, and then left me thinking.
I found the last line especially intriguing. I'm very familiar with the sensation of being in a herd and not having any individuality.
Again...this is a great story. Gold star.