In Search of Chimes

To everyone who would have a lonely Christmas this year.

I put on my regular winter clothes, took my scorebook and the key, and got out of the apartment after waving a goodbye to my mother, who was busy in the kitchen, preparing breakfast for my always-hungry bigger brother. I stepped out of my home, into the silent and peaceful little town in the suburb of the city, where the noise was so terribly unbearable, and started my walk in the quiet, yet nowhere near poor neighbourhood.

I reached my destination- the church. The crystal-like quality of the glass decorations at the entrance of the church and the fluffy white of the flurry layered on top of the pine trees nearby added on the piety and holiness of the church, especially during this time of the year. I wished she were just next with me now to admire the pure clarity and peace of this moment.

She whom I missed so much.

If you were here, could you sense my thoughts? I wondered.

The chimes of the church rang. Juniper, the conductor of the other group, waved me in. I followed her into the church, and hurried to the multi-usage room, as it was called. This year, I was to direct a group of nine-year-old to perform several Christmas carols in different occasions with my partners.

“Good morning. Would you turn to page three of your score?” I put on my best conductor face, which was still really, really kind and gentle compared to Sean’s. “Sing along with the piano. Be careful with the rhythm.”

I played the accompaniment of the piece, and the children sang especially well. I didn’t understand why, but the voice was perfect. Maybe they finally came to their senses after being detained for 2 hours after the original scheduled time by Sean, my partner.

I swallowed a smile. Sean could be quite harsh sometimes. Today he would be late for ten minutes, and I probably should work with them the dynamics and expressiveness of the piece.

The piece was not long, but it created such a harmonious yet sorrowful, combining hopeful atmosphere I wish I could immerse in it forever. It ended soon, but I did not notice.

"Duncan? Duncan?" The cute children shook me. I came out of my trance, just as the door opened and a breeze of cool wind gusted into the room. Sean, in his usual winter clothes walked inside, carrying his black file.

"Did they do okay?" Sean whispered. I nodded, and he announced to the children," next song please."

Sean continued to help them practise, and I threw in suggestions from time to time. But my thoughts soon flowed away, back to the wintry dream...

I remembered how she smiled. As gentle and clean as snow, she just needed a pair of wings to be an angel.

We would run together along the snow-covered pedestrian path, of course with our other friends. My friends with me, her mates with her, but we would look into each other's eyes across the street. Her melting chocolaty eyes smiled on their own, and it was enough to melt any icebergs on Earth. Strong wind blew, but I could feel nothing more than my extraordinarily fast heartbeat. Its cause might have been the 30-minute-long run, or the fact that she looked straight into my mind to extract all my thoughts. I have no idea. I was too busy smiling back.

Really long ago we gathered in our friend's home for a Christmas party. We bunched up in front of the computer, waiting for a go of the Santa Tracker. I remembered that all of us were so obsessed, yet a bully in the class just put himself on the armchair for half an hour, completely ignoring the children's long wait for a go. Some of our friends went so frustrated and threw dramatic tantrums, yet no effort had been enough to move him away from the monitor. I was getting a little grumpy myself, but she kept such calm on her face it was hard to feel angered next to her. Her chocolaty eyes had a firm look that could sublime snow into water vapour.

She whispered in my ears, and we rushed downstairs to find our teacher, who was also invited by the parents, while our friends were still crying.

I was so glad that day, because she decided to treat me as a special person in her life. The friends together played a lot of games that night, but my eyes and attention never left her.

Sean coughed, and I was drawn back into the reality. He walked to my end in the room, while I tried to comprehend the fact that the kids were already given a break after an hour-long practice. He rubbed his throat, and took the water bottle next to my hand on the desk for a sip.

"Anything wrong?"

I tried to mask my surprise, but I should have known that this moment would happen. Daring to go sidetrack during any practice where Sean was present would result a torture just a bit less intimidating than a death sentence. I had witnessed enough of them to prove my point. At least that was what he would do to the kids. Sean was half a year older than me, and he had been my good friend when we were small, and we did like certain running games in the winter, but that would not make him any more easygoing on me when it came to affairs of the choir. He had a reputation to keep. Yet since the second year in the choir I have opposed this teaching method, and when only I was in charge of the practice, I would, to compensate, be as understanding and lenient as possible.

"Nothing...err...I mean something. Yes- you know, the chimes. Yes. The chimes. I was thinking about where the chimes should be put. You know. Today would be the first show of the kids, and we must not let anything go wrong. So I was just thinking about...thinking about how to handle the matters about those chimes and about how to set the stage. You know- the usuals. Where should I put the chimes. Yes. That's it. You know- that Jiggling Bells they will be singing tonight? Yes. I should probably get those chimes to the stage. Yes." I replied, shivering, trying for a smile.

"Yes?" He asked with an innocent smile.

I sighed. I was such a terrible liar. I sat on the desk.

"Chimes...I see," he pretended to think. "So maybe I could help with the kids, and maybe you could go to the stage, and help set up the stage. Ah- bring the chimes as well." He kept his smile.

Finally I was able to exhale comfortably. He was done with the humiliation, I could tell. I was sure that my ears and face were cherry-red, but Sean wasn't that mean a person to continue his teasing with. Both of us were good friends in primary school with Juniper. Maybe we had seen each other less and less in these years, since we went to different schools, but I could still sense his thoughts well.

I went next to the piano and took the box of chimes, while Sean continued to study his score. Of The Jiggling Bells.

He looked at me, and mouthed the word, "Juniper", and gestured me towards the door, with an odd pleading expression. I nodded in response, promising him to look after his girlfriend.

I took the box and went out of the door. Tonight's performance venue- the Teford Hall was a twenty-minute walk away, so I needed to head out of the church. The other music room, where Juniper's group was practising, had its lights switched off, so they must already had went there.

I walked on the street, which by now were getting slightly noisier than in the morning, yet still very sweet and comfortable. I strolled pass the windows of those shops, where snow had piled up. Different sorts of goods that I simply adored- those books, bells, chimes were displayed in the cabinets.

I remembered how she used to walk with me in the Christmas holidays on the streets. We would take delight in the fantastic shows of wonders in those cabinets, which to us then were like a highway to a wonderland we knew we could never be in. Those playful snowmen and Santa Clauses, the short and tall Christmas trees. We would talk to them as if we were in a fairy tale, enjoying each other's simple presence.

I continued my walk, wondering how long would I need to arrive the Hall if my mind decided to go sideways like snowflakes blown by a breeze.

Fortunately, I didn't. I reminded myself that there was a more important job for me to do, instead of just grieving over and over again. I smiled at the security guard, and recognizing me almost instantly, he opened the gates, and I walked into the hall, feeling the magical sensation of slight crunches as I stepped on the fresh snow on the steps in front of the main door.

I had to awe at the design of the hall itself. In a part of the peaceful, quiet area of the blaring city, it was probably the idea of pacem distilled into one. The hall, where the performance would be tonight, was itself an international standard performance hall, perfect for a choir. Juniper should have brought with the decorations, and we should be able to bring Christmassy and grace into the hall.

I put down the box of chime bars and hand chimes, and walked on the stage, where Juniper was busy talking to her group, no doubt instructing them how to embellish the hall.

I pat her shoulders, and she faced me.

"Ah, Duncan. Good that you have bought the chimes," she then turned to her group of kids, looking at them with her warm chocolaty eyes encouragingly, "I change my idea. Take whichever hand chimes or chime bars you needed for the accompaniment. Please practice now."

Fortunate for her that she had such cooperative students. Sean would probably kill me for that, but I thought Juniper had her group more in control than his. At least I heard no arguments in her room, but in the week before there had been at least two heated discussions about breaks, twelve furious shouts between the kids and Sean, and one major telling off session conducted by Sean himself, which luckily, by the time it happened, had no faithful participants in a mass to witness.

"Great leadership there." I began.

"That's so sweet of you." She replied.

"Why-thank you!"

She laughed hard. I hated to admit, but every single time when I talked to her my face would go all hot and burning. For some reason she found that very funny.

She managed to mute her laugh, and switched on a concerned face.

"Is Sean all right? I hope he hasn't been killed by those children."

Sean and Juniper had started dating last winter, the second year I was separated from them because we studied in different schools. She said that with such ease and tenderness that my heart ached.

Yes. She was Juniper.

Sean, Juniper and I had been such great friends, yet they would never understand my true feelings, I was sure, but I knew from the beginning that Sean had a special feeling towards her.

My thoughts flew back to that day when he confessed to me. That was another wintry day, just last year. We were sitting in the garden of his house, exhausted after an hour of video games, and observed the snowflakes falling down.

I was pretty sleepy already, and I attempted to walk into the house and leave. I stood, but Sean pressed me down.

"I...I want to talk with you," he began.

"Could it wait?"

"Please?"

"Okay okay."

"I think..."

"Look- I want to sleep. Good night."

"I wish to date Juniper!" he stood and yelped.

I sat, perfectly motionless, in shocked silence. I had always suspected, but I wished this moment would never come. No doubt he was so jumpy when we played the video games. Your best friend declaring that he liked the same girl that you did- that was the most awful torture anyone could have thought of.

I forced myself to smile. "Then?" I carefully evaded the painful sensation you always got around your nose when you wanted to cry.

He seemed more comfortable. "I think we, you know, liked each other a lot. She's just so sweet and gentle and considerate and affectionate and... I wish..." He halted.

"Good luck, Sean," I kept that artificial smile on my face, which was complete contrary to what my heart was doing then. It was broken like shards of glass. I wiped my cheeks hastily.

He turned. "Thank you. Thank you, Duncan."

I forced my muscles to keep a pleasant expression. I exhaled, "May I leave now?"

"Good night, Duncan. Now I must think of how to tell Juniper about it. See you tomorrow, and I will give you news should she accepted."

Very slowly I willed myself to ignore my emotions and move my head up and down, at the same time deliberately controlling my eyes, determined and desperate not to let any tears trickle down.

"Good night, and goodbye." I stretched my mouth, maybe too wide to be authentic, for one last time. I rushed into the house, grabbed my belongings, and dashed towards my house, neglecting the fact that I might slip over the melting snow on the road.

I snapped back into the reality when Juniper shook me. "Hey, are you fine?"

"Absolutely. Yes."

"Would you help practicing with the kids? I wanted to think more about how to design the stage."

"Sure."

She gazed at a distant, no doubt wondering why I went into a trance, but I doubt she would ever know the true reason.

I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts, and walked backstage, refreshing my memory on what the melodies of the chime bars should sound like.

I noticed something was wrong immediately after I stepped into the preparation room.

"That's mine!"

"No, that is mine."

"Shut up. This is not yours!"

The room was in total chaos. The kids were arguing, over something unknown. One of them had actually took a chime bar and pretended to hit another's arm, but looking at my sternness, which I had never shown them, he managed to stop it just in time that it did no harm. Still, the disarray in the room continued.

"STOP IT!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. The room went silent at once, with ten pairs of eyes glittering at me.

I calmed myself, which Juniper would have done ten times better than me, and I managed, finally, to get that gentleness back into my expression. Anyway, I wasn't a fiery person, after all.

"Would anyone mind to tell me what happened?"

"A complete set of chime bars went missing."

"Sorry?"

"Six bar chimes are missing. We could not identify which one belonged to whom."

I was like being electrocuted. One and a half hour, and the show would start. It would be too late to get back to the church to search. Buying a new set? It would double our budget, and after complicated calculations almost no fund could be donated to the church.

Yeah, maybe Sean had not left the church yet. Maybe he could help searching it.

I took out my phone and went out back to the hall to get a better reception, but I was disappointed when I glanced at the screen. Dead battery.

Glad to see Juniper still on the stage, I hurried to ask her for her phone.

At this particular moment, the door opened with a small creak, and Sean and his grouped walked inside.

He wasn't taking anything in particular, which meant that he did not know about the incident which would have brought us to our ultimate failure during the performance.

I waved my hand at him, and thankfully he understood. Hastily he walked onto the stage. I told him what happened.

"So what should we do now?" I summed up. I looked at the watch, and was alarmed that there was only 80 minutes left before the show.

"What if we use an electronic piano? We could use its imitated chime sounds." Juniper suggested.

"Maybe that would be a good idea." I said.

"There wasn't any electronic piano available in this hall now. I read it when I booked the hall." Sean sighed.

I walked to and fro on the stage, wondering if we would just mess up the whole concert.

"What about a harp? Would that be good?" Juniper threw in.

"Definitely!" shouted Sean. "How dare I forget that you played a harp."

"But could you practice in time for the concert?" I cautioned.

"You could do it, right?" Sean looked at Juniper with those large pleading eyes like those cute puppies' in photos you could find on different websites these days.

"Of course." Juniper replied without hesitation at all. Her russet eyes looking back into his green ones. Affectionately. And smiled.

I closed my eyes, dropped my head and bit my lips, looking rather uncomfortable. Bitterly I attempted to walk away, but they seemed to notice my discomfort and end their loving stare.

Juniper tried to clear the embarrassment," So, yeah. I will get my harp, because my home is not that far away. Maybe I will think of some chords and arpeggios by then."

Sean followed smoothly, as if they had rehearsed this numerous times, "I will conduct the singing, while Duncan could monitor the children playing the chimes. Is that okay for you?"

"Certainly." I whispered, my throat dry.

"Good. Let's get moving!"

My feelings were not so good.

I walked back into the preparation room, and told the kids how we rearranged the performance so that the programs would be 'orderly and fluent'.

The kids accepted it straight away, because there wasn't any extra work for them to do, nor did it cause them any trouble. But deep in my heart I knew that the real problem was me.

I shook my head and concentrated on their practice. Then I urged them to get changed into their performance costume when there was still half an hour left.

I looked at my shaky hands. I haven't touched chime bars for a full year. How could I play, or even conduct a chime bars choir?

I hurried out to see if the decorations were finished. Juniper, being the best artist among the three of us, had put chimes, bells, berries and hollies everywhere, making the hall more Christmassy than ever.

I should have been assured, but why was there still a fiery sensation in my guts? Why was there still a dizzy feeling in my head?

The show started, but I had no attention for any of the introductions, nor the other music groups' performances at all, simply because I felt so uncomfortable and frustrated that I didn't know where the discomfort originated from.

I stood at the backstage, just next to Juniper, with Sean at her side. So close with her, yet so far. So far that no means could take me there.

Sean shook me, and I cued the kids to get their chimes, and walked out into the stage.

From the stage, the audience seats were full with people with expecting eyes glittering on us. I led them to the right of the stage, while Juniper took her harp, and Sean with his chorus group in the centre of the stage.

Sean bowed to the audience, looked at us, and started to conduct.

Juniper began to play her harp with magnificent skill. Arpeggios and chords came out as natural and smooth like melted snow flowing from the peak of a mountain, clear like glass of the window from which you could peek the snowy world outside your warm room, and soothing like a cup of hot chocolate in the middle of a frozen day.

Sean cued at me, and I gestured to help the children play their chimes and chime bars.

But I just keep stealing wistful glances of Juniper, always noticing how distractingly regal and pure her face looked like. And also how she radiated beauty and confidence. Just the exact opposite of me.

I did not need any more proof that we were never ever getting together, but I just kept remembering how she wished to play the harp in accompany with a chorus group. That was some eight years ago, and I doubted even she would remember it, but I could never wipe it out of my memory.

"You could play the chimes, Sean could sing, and why don't I play the harp?" She would always say that.

"Why?" I would ask. Of course I knew the answer, but to satisfy her wish to express her love of harps I would repeat this question.

"Don't you think that harp goes wonderfully well with vocal music?"

Sean again cued me to play an high E flat with the chime bar.

"Of course. Especially yours, when you play the harp." Usually I would reply. Then she would smile, her cheeks pink like cherry blossoms.

Sean suggested me to do a gradual diminuendo in order to emphasize the harmonized chords of the chorus, and I obliged.

I stole another look at Juniper. The grace she swept her fingers across the strings were irreplaceable, her eyes showed absolute concentration, yet at ease and enjoying at the same time.

I cued the children to gently place back their chimes onto the table to show that their part in this song was over. I now had more time to appreciate how Sean and Juniper had cooperated.

Sean had perfect control of the choral expression of the group. Every change in dynamics were excellent, and contrasts gave extra layers of depth and meaning to a thoughtful piece.

On the other hand, Juniper had both obliged to Sean's directions and managed to add more grace and feelings into the piece. Sean focused on techniques. Juniper emphasized genuine emotions.

Under the dazzling lights of the hall, Juniper's eyes appeared dark, sweet caramel, and Sean's blue-green like a lake. They smiled and cooperated so perfectly like an equivalent of each other, and so delighted to be just exactly that. Anyone could have seen this easily- a perfect match.

I gawked at them until the end of our performance. We bowed together, and left the stage.

"That went great, don't you think so?" Sean asked us after the children left to join their parents for the rest of the show as we were walking upstairs to leave the hall, though he mainly pointed the question to Juniper, which just made my heart go broken more and more by the second.

"That's just wonderful." Juniper smiled back, carrying her harp and looking so cute and pure like snow.

"Of course." I managed to mutter, just able to ignore the throbbing sensation like a burn inside my body.

"Are you leaving now? Sean and I are going to the cinema, and we are wondering if you could come also."

I was tempted to say yes, but I restrained myself. "Have fun, because I need to be back home by now. It's getting really late."

Juniper looked regretful. "It's a shame, really, with the show going on this well. We just thought we could celebrate together. We might as well have dinner as well. Look- it's almost Christmas, and we haven't really been together enjoying ourselves since- when- like in the summer? So please, do come."

Sean chimed in, "I thought we could have such fun. I knew it would be great."

I thought for while until we reached the surface of the land again, wondering if I was going to say that I didn't want to disturb them when they decide to be all sweet and like fused together, and I didn't want to feel like a third wheel, but I suppressed my thoughts. I just wanted them to go for a happy night out there together without anything to disturb them. That's all.

With difficulty I smiled, although what I wanted to do was to wither on a bench and cry until the next morning. "See- I really needed to go back now."

Juniper and Sean sort of undergone a staring contest with me, but I won. Normally they were not this insistent. Did they sense anything wrong of me?

At last they gave up, though they still seemed so pitied and miserable without me that I wanted to go with them immediately. But I stood firm.

"Take care then. Goodbye." Sean hugged Juniper and walked to the left of the road.

I started to walk to the right, but an idea flashed in my head.

Should I just tell her everything? That I love her. I had bore the painful fact for almost five years, and maybe now seemed a good time to have everything spilled out of me. Of course I would explain right away that no way was I ever going to get Sean's girlfriend away from him, and...

"Juniper!" I turned 180 degrees and yelled.

They did the same to face me. "What?" Juniper yelled back over the busy traffic.

Should I? I thought for a while.

They started to have quizzical looks on their faces.

"Nothing. Just- you know, be sure to have a wonderful time with Sean. I am just happy that you have such wonderful life-long partners." I smiled as sweetly and innocent as possible.

They brightened up immediately.

"Of course." Sean smiled. They kissed in front of me, attempting to demonstrate their happiness.

"Goodbye!" Juniper waved, and I waved back. Sean managed to hire a taxi, and they got into the car. It soon drove away to the cinema in the mall.

I continued to wave, whispering, "wonderful life-long partners".

I exhaled deeply, and kept the joyful smile on my face, only maybe too artificial.

It began to snow again. I gazed upon the moon, attempting to catch the fluffy snowflakes that resembled Juniper too much, only to fail multiple times.

I wished them a wonderful lifetime, and a joyful relationship to take comfort in when they journey through the complications of life. I started walking back to my home, and I could feel something wet on my vest, too warm to be melted snow. More like- I don't know. Tears, possibly?