At a time where genetics is more advanced, and there's a uncrossable gap between the rich and the poor.
The poor sell themselves or loved one to the rich to ensure that they can eat for a few days.
The one who are bought are usually used for sports like hunting, but sometimes they are bought by someone who will put them through school and care for them.
The rich have a procedure done on their children call Gifting. It allows them to use a unique and special ability like making fire, ice ect.
(Page 01)
"What are we doing here?" Asked Alice, disgusted by the smell in the corridor.
"To buy something of course." Answered her Father.
"To show our family's goodwill we'll buy one to educate, and the other as a fighter for the family games each month." Explained her Mother, smiling as though oblivious to the cruelty of it all.
Once they sat in their designated auction chairs the event started.
The Unders(smaller more intelligent) were sold first, then the Clashes(big and strong) were sold.
"Why didn't you buy a Under or a Clasher?" Alice asked.
"I just got word that the meteor that fell last night will be sold here today, because it's made from an unknown substance."
"Isn't that dangerous?" Questioned her mother.
He started to laugh saying, "if it was, they wouldn't be..."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we made an amazing discovery back stage." The auctioneer interrupted.
All of the well dressed families leaned in to hear what he had to say next.
The lights dimmed as the large rock was rolled in on a large spotlight.
"One of our workers dropped his flashlight, and on the other side another worker could see through it." The man said.
The people looked even more interested now.
"This is what we found!" He yelled, gesturing to the rock with his hand. The spotlight kicked on to reveal a human like figure suspended in liquid.
People gasped and the lights brightened.
"Who will start us off with one million for the humanoid creature?" He asked.
Then the biding took off climbing higher each second, but once it reached 100 million the bids started to slow down.
Then out of nowhere Alice's father jumped up yelling, "300 MILLION!"
The other families on the room gasped and looked back at them.
"300 million going once...twice...SOLD!" The auctioneer yelled, slamming his gavel onto the rostrum.
(Page 02)
After having done countless test on the rock that yielded no results. He gave up on it.
"What did you find out about it?" Alice asked.
"Well, there's no way to open it. The only thing I keep coming back to is that the rock was warm to the touch, but now it's ice cold." He answered, rubbing his eyes.
"Mom said it's time to eat, so you can work on it tomorrow." Alice said, rolling his chair over to the desk.
Later that night Alice got out of bed full of curiosity. She ran her hand along the wall as she made her way to the lab.
Once there she flicked on the lights and looked at the rock.
"DAD!" She yelled, looking at a large opening in the rock's surface.
He came rushing in yelling, "ALICE, WHAT HAPPENED!?"
After seeing the split open rock, he ran over to it. "did you find it like this?" He asked.
"Yes, it was lik..." She suddenly stopped, looking at the slime trail on the tile floor. She pointed it out to her father and they followed it to the backdoor. (It's a work in progress, so tell me what you think.)
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Canary word: Present
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140,579 Literary Works • 673,524 Reviews
I like the background story, but it was slightly confusing. The way you described the words was a little strange and you didn't give much input on the whole situation.
There were a few grammatical errors, but not much. You might want to run through it real quick and correct them. Also, I saw that the story moved along very quickly, and didn't give you time to let the setting and characters sink in.
Other than that, I liked the plot. Great job!
P.S Also, are you continuing this? I would like to know.
I like the background story, but it was slightly confusing. The way you described the words was a little strange and you didn't give much input on the whole situation.
There were a few grammatical errors, but not much. You might want to run through it real quick and correct them. Also, I saw that the story moved along very quickly, and didn't give you time to let the setting and characters sink in.
Other than that, I liked the plot. Great job!
P.S Also, are you continuing this? I would like to know.
I'm going to do some quick nitpicks on this sentence first. 'where' should be 'when', 'a' should be 'an'. 'At' may also be supposed to be 'In' but I'm not sure about that. The other thing about this sentence is that it applies not just to the future but to right now. If you're going to have an apocalypse, which I'm all for, then there needs to be something truly devastating happened. For example.
"In an age when genetic technology has taken over all of the human imagination, the gap between rich and poor has become a vast ravine."
^^ That's not a perfect example but hopefully you get what I mean.
This is when I realised you were outlining a plot. Hopefully, once I start actually reading your story, there will be no need to do this. If the plot is well executed, all should become apparent.
Here you are telling rather than showing that Alice is disgusted. Why not have her wrinkle her nose? This tells the reader that there is an unpleasant smell but doesn't just tell them as if you are relating evidence at a court hearing.
Okay, now you have the mother telling rather than showing. Same deal, it gets annoying if you do it too often, unless you make it really obvious that this is a specific character trait.
One of the first tips I ever got on here, on my main account, was to not use caps. The words speak for themselves.
You have an interesting concept idea, and even with these ^^ I can feel lots of suspense. My advice would be to fill out some character profiles. I don't get a great sense of who these people are and that limits my engagement. If you'd like a link to a questionnaire for that, just ask.
Also, I haven't corrected your spelling because -- please don't take this the wrong way -- it would have taken up too much space. I don't want to waste a review on stuff that doesn't really matter. If you would like any spelling help, just PM me. But PM BiscuitsBatchAvoy, I rarely use this account.
Keep going
Hello, Dullahan! I'm Katriona (clearly
) and I'll be critiquing your work today. I'm a little out of practice, so... Bear with me?
). When you write more, just remember details and Point of View— Both of them are really difficult to do properly, but way worth it.
First off: Your premise is very interesting. Human slavery and genetic mutation in the same story? There's a lot of potential there! This could be a very good beginning, though I'm not sure it stands as a complete story on its own. Are you planning to write more?
Your first few paragraphs (before the "(Page 01)") may be unnecessary. What you're doing there is usually called an "info dump," which is where you give the reader a whole bunch of information which would be better spread throughout the story. Give the readers the chance to discover the world as it unfolds, by giving us little bits of information through dialogue and events. You have to be careful with this, though, because it's super easy to make the dialogue unnatural while trying to explain things to the audience.
From whose point of view are you writing? If you are writing in Third Person Limited (it might be a good idea to look up Point of View if you don't know what that is) then the general rule is that no one knows anything that your view point character doesn't know. Things like this: "Explained her Mother, smiling as though oblivious to the cruelty of it all." should only be there if those are your point of view character's thoughts. (Is Alice aware that it is cruel?) Otherwise you, the narrator, are intruding on the story to give us your opinion. That's generally frowned upon.
You did a good job with certain little details; that the corridor smells, that Alice ran her hand along the wall while she was walking to the lab. If you keep in mind the little details, and try to paint a picture so your reader feels like he or she is really there, it will make your writing much deeper. Try adding even more details; What does the corridor smell like? What did the wall feel like?
I'm interested to see where you go with this (I've always rather liked stories of people from outer-space