Chapter 8 – Arrival
“A little higher please, Julie,” Dyne said.
Juliana lifted the lantern up with both hands to light the road. “Like this?”
“Yes, that’s perfect.” Dyne held the reins in one hand as he embraced Juliana with his right arm. “It won’t be long now you know.” He began to hum a familiar tune to her.
Juliana smiled as she held the lamp steady, and the group quietly continued their journey through the early morning darkness. But it wasn’t long before Juliana began to regret volunteering to sit in the front at such an early hour. Her wool blanket did little to protect her from the biting chill of the morning fog, and her arms began to shake in the numbing wind shortly after they set off.
She soon set the light next to Dyne and cupped her hands over her nose and mouth. Why did we depart so early? she thought. Shouldn’t we have at least waited until dawn? This cold is unbearable. She blew into her hands and pulled her blanket up next to her cheeks.
“Too cold up here for you, Julie?” Dyne chuckled.
Juliana turned to Dyne and wondered how he could be at ease with only his light clothes and thin cloak to shield him. “No. I’m alright,” she answered while quickly lifting the lantern again.
“Hmm, really? If your teeth chatter any louder you may wake the boys.”
Juliana bit her lower lip and sighed. “Must you always tease me Grandpa? How can you stand it up here? It’s freezing.”
“Sorry Julie, I can’t help myself. This really doesn’t bother me much at all. I’ve spent many long and cold nights on the road.”
“Couldn’t we have at least waited until sunrise? Is it really so important we reach Melliark this early?”
“We’re still a few hours away I’d say, and there will likely be many travelers entering today. The guards inspect all the wagons one by one, so if we don’t arrive early enough we could be waiting a long time before we even enter.”
“I see,” Juliana said. “Will they ask,um, about you?”
Dyne lowered his head as his smile disappeared. “They might.”
“Oh… well, we can’t spend too long waiting outside the gates.”
“Indeed. We have much to do today, so we can’t to be delayed for too long.” Dyne gently took the lantern from Juliana and held it in front of him. “I’ll handle things up here, Julie. Go warm yourself in the back.”
“I’ll be fine, Grandpa,” she answered. “I want to be up here with you when the castle comes into view. Won’t the sun rise before we arrive?”
“It will, but the fog seems to be oddly thick even for this hour. I’m afraid the castle may remain hidden.”
“Oh, well I… Can I stay with you anyway? I’ll do my best to keep the chattering down.”
Dyne laughed. “Of course! Now cover up and rest. I’ll let you know if I see anything.”
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Juliana struggled to keep her eyes open as she stared out into the fog on her right. The gentle rocking of the wagon began to lull her to sleep, but the cold breeze seemed to blow over her each time she began to doze. Her visibility became more limited as time passed, until even the dew covered blades of grass alongside the road vanished behind the mist. She lost herself in thought as the wagon proceeded forward without any landmarks to mark its progress.
We’ll be there soon, she thought. How long will we live there? I probably won’t return to Panelsca until…hmm, Father would be so angry if he knew Lucian was staying with us. Mother would probably be happy, or scared, or… I don’t know. But we’ll be there soon and-- Oh, but Grandpa! He can’t be… Wait, everything should be fine. We just have to be careful.
Dyne gently nudged Juliana’s arm, waking her from her daydream. “You still with me Julie?”
“Huh? Oh, yes I’m awake,” she said. “What is it? Do you see something?”
“No, I can barely even see the road. But listen, can you hear it?”
“Hear what?”
“The road. Listen closely.”
Juliana soon realized the gentle pace of the horses had changed from just a short while earlier; the stomping of their hooves was too loud and hard for dirt. She peeked over the edge her seat to see the path paved with an ornate cobblestone design. “Does this mean we’re close, Grandpa?”
“I believe so. And the sun is up now after all.” He pointed to his left towards the lighter eastern fog. “I still can’t see anything because of this blasted mist. Hopefully it will clear out and warm up soon. It’s such a shame though; the castle would be visible from here on a clear day.”
“Should I wake everyone?” Juliana asked.
“They’re up already.”
Juliana looked over her shoulder at the inside the wagon. Radi met her stare with tired eyes as she turned, and Lucian sat quietly with his legs crossed in his usual place, staring into the distance behind the coach.
Radi stretched his arms behind his head and let out a loud yawn; rubbing his eyes briefly with his palms before looking back at Juliana. “Good morning,” he mumbled.
“Good morning, Brother,” she answered. “Did you two sleep well?”
Lucian turned to the front. “Yes, but um… I think someone is following us.” He pointed to the rear at a dim light shining behind the fog.
Dyne quickly turned around and squinted into the distance behind them. “Hmm, that’s likely just one of the groups we overtook earlier. I counted at least three coaches about to set off as we passed by.” He returned his attention to the horses. “Still, keep an eye out for me, Lucian. Let me know if I should pick up the pace.”
“Alright,” Lucian said. “I’ve seen several lights though. How many other groups are there?”
“The road we joined this morning is the main route to the capital. It’s used by many merchants and caravans every day,” Dyne answered. “There could be anywhere from ten to a hundred coaches I imagine. There is always much business to be done in Melliark.”
Juliana leaned her head against Dyne’s shoulder. “You have the answer to everything don’t you?”
Dyne chuckled. “I’m off to good start today I suppose. How about it Lucian? Anything else you’re curious about?”
“Well, there was one thing.”
“Ask away son.”
“Um, before you said that the Feraton River runs through the capital, but now we’re nearly there and I don’t hear any water nearby.”
“Seriously, Lucian?” Radi scoffed. “How could you not know that? Even I remember that and I was only in school for--”
“To answer your question, Lucian,” Dyne interrupted. “The Feraton once flowed beside this very road, but Melliark’s engineers decided to irrigate the river underneath it sometime after the outer walls were built. Now the Feraton travels nearly eighty miles underground from its source into the city. It’s likely somewhere underneath us right now.”
“That’s incredible,” Lucian replied.
“Indeed,” Dyne answered. “Anything else on your mind?”
Radi sighed. “No! Please, no more questions! These lectures are putting me back to sleep.”
Juliana shook her head. “Don’t be ridiculous, Radi. How is the irrigation of a river used by an entire city boring you?”
“Because of the one explaining it obviously!” Radi retorted. “Not to mention it’s something we all learned when we were ten. Well, apparently not all of us.”
Lucian turned away from the group.
“Alright, that’s enough from you, child,” Dyne said.
“Likewise,” Radi mumbled.
What is wrong with him? Juliana thought. The day has just begun and he’s already trying ruin it. How did Mother and Father have the patience to tolerate him? He better not carry on like this in Melliark.
The group fell silent as the fog began to gradually dissipate around them.
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“Look Julie, there it is!” Dyne shouted.
Juliana leaned forward in her seat. “Oh! You’re right. I can see the gates from here!”
Radi and Lucian quickly moved to the front of the wagon and stood for a better view.
“Finally!” Radi yelled. “I swear that was the longest week of my life.”
“It’s not over yet Radi,” Juliana said. “We still need to get settled in and visit Father Khurt in the cathedral.”
“We should visit the barracks first so Lucian and I can both register,” Radi said. “Right, Lucian?”
Lucian shrugged. “Yeah, I suppose so.”
“Hold on everyone,” Dyne said. “First we need to eat, and I know just the place. It’s the best—Oh, oh, to the west! Look up there!” He pointed excitedly to the base of a large cliff that came into view from behind the fog. “Look closely! You can see the lifts going up to the castle.”
“I see them!” Juliana exclaimed. “It’s just like you said, Grandpa!” She stared in awe at the smooth stone face of the massive rock. The lone cliff stood higher than any structure she had ever seen or read about, despite the summit remaining hidden in the mist. The absence of any nearby mountains simply added to its magnificent height, which easily dwarfed the tallest hills of Panelsca. Juliana saw several lifts slowly ascending the bluff like ants crawling along a tree tunk. “It’s enormous! I can’t believe the castle was built all the way up there. How long does it take to reach the top?”
“I believe it takes nearly an hour for the oxen to raise the largest of the lifts,” Dyne answered. “It still amazes me no matter how many times I see it.” He reached back inside the wagon and extended his empty hand to Radi. “We’re almost at the gates; they’ll want to see your draft notice.”
Radi said nothing as he retrieved the paper from his pocket and unfolded it.
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Juliana counted ten heavily armed guards dressed in silver armor and purple robes sitting near the gates. Both of the large metal doors were already open, along with both an exterior and interior portcullis. As she gazed at the height of the entrance Juliana noticed many more soldiers above them atop the wall, each one with a bow and a quiver on their back. Seeing the archers and fortifications began to bring the importance and size of the city into perspective. She glanced to her left and right along the wall, unable to see any indication of its eventual curvature.
The soldiers quickly stood from their seats as the wagon approached, and Dyne brought the wagon to a halt as two of the men stepped into the horse’s path.
A middle-aged guard came alongside the wagon holding a scroll and quill. “Welcome travelers,” he said in a monotone, unconvincing tone. “You have reached Melliark, Capital of Marceris. Please state your number and reasons for entry.”
“Good morning,” Dyne said as he bowed his head. “There are four of us entering today; the two young men for required military service and my granddaughter for medical education.”
The men standing ahead flanked each side of the wagon and began their inspection. They briefly looked underneath the coach before lifting the wagon’s canvas and instructing Radi to show them the contents of the luggage.
Radi obeyed them without hesitation.
“And yourself?” The guard asked Dyne. “What business do you have here?”
“I accompanied them here all the way from Panelsca, as they were, let’s say… not well traveled before this journey.”
“Your name?”
“Dyne Remker.”
The guard quickly scanned the back of his scroll. “Hmm, we have no record of any civil offence from you Mister Remker.”
“Of course, I’ve never had the pleasure visiting the Capital before now.”
“What?” Lucian said. “I thought he--”
Juliana quickly turned and covered Lucian’s mouth with her hand. “Shh! Not now!” she whispered. "Sorry, Lucian; just... let Grandpa keep talking." She slowly pulled her hand back from his face.
"A-Alright
“Very well mister Remker,” the guard replied. “You may enter as the girl’s elderly guardian. Please show me the boys’ military documents.”
Dyne reached down to the guard and handed him Radi’s draft notice.
The man scanned the top of the paper and immediately returned it as he found Radi’s name and crossed it from his list. “Much appreciated Mister Remker. Now the other document if you would.”
“That’s all we have, sir,” Dyne said. “The other boy is volunteering.”
The guard looked up from his scroll with astonishment. “Volunteering? Did I hear you correctly?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Is he of the required age?”
“He is,” Dyne said. “Lucian, come out so the man can see you.”
Lucian looked at Juliana with concern. “I need to go out?”
Juliana sensed Lucian’s hesitation from his familiar, soft-tone of voice. “It’ll be fine, Lucian,” she assured him. “Don’t worry. Just do whatever the man says.”
Lucian quickly retied and tightened his headband as he exited the wagon and stood before the soldier. He swallowed hard as his closed shook lightly by his sides.
The guard scratched his red beard and stared at Lucian intently before asking him to lift his arms and turn in a circle. “You’re volunteering, son?”
“Y-Yes sir,” Lucian answered while obeying the soldier’s commands.
“Well you certainly appear more than able.” The guard extended his hand to Lucian and leaned close to his ear. “I’m sure you’ll make a fine soldier with some effort.”
“Oh, uh, thank you,” Lucian said as he shook hands with the man.
“Ha! And quite a strong grip you have as well! Do your grandfather proud, boy.” The guard patted Lucian’s shoulder as he released his hand and stepped away.
“Oh he’s n— I mean, thank you, sir! Thank you very much!” Lucian bowed before the man and quickly turned away.
The guard stepped back from the road as Lucian climbed inside the wagon. He motioned for the other men to finish their inspection and motioned for Dyne to proceed. “Carry on, Mister Remker. Please continue and do not stall the queue.”
“Thank you, sir,” Dyne said. He lightly whipped the reins and spurred the horses forward.
Juliana felt free to speak again as they passed by the soldiers. “What queue? What was he talking about, Grandpa?”
Radi tapped Juliana’s arm from behind. “Behind us,” he said while pointing to the rear.
Juliana turned back to see the guards already inspecting another coach, which was followed by dozens more waiting on the road directly behind them. “Oh my, how many people are—”
“Fruit! Fresh fruit over here!” someone shouted.
{Continued in part 2....}
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey Dude!

~ I don't usually think of 'mist' and 'fog' as synonyms. Mist makes me think of clear droplets of water. Like you spray a mist of water on flowers-- whereas fog makes me think dense white, well, fog, surrounding you.Shady here with your review, as requested.
~ Missing end punctuation.
~ This sounds stiff, and too educated for a guard. I'm not saying you have to make your guards gruff and obnoxious (like my soldier
~ :3 I'm not sure if that's the right word to use. Usually when you say someone 'spurred' a horse, they're riding on the horse's back and are wearing spurs-- not riding in a wagon.
~~~
Okay!
I liked this chapter, as I always enjoy your work.
However, the part with the guards seems a bit unrealistic. I mean, the guards' jobs are to be suspicious. Of the dozens of security guards I've met, I've met about 3 of them who weren't pompous and arrogant, and even they weren't as trusting as this guard. I mean, Lucian and Radi both slipped up, and the guard didn't give them so much as a suspicious look.
As always, if you need any help or have any questions, you know where to find me.
Keep Writing!
~Shady
Hi Dude!
Flows better without the ‘up’.
Flows better without ‘to her’.
The time feels off here. The bit about the blanket makes it sound like they’ve been travelling awhile, but the bit about the arms make it sound like they’ve just started.
Using ‘while’ disrupts the sentence flow. It goes better if you replace it with a comma.
I’m pretty sure that shouldn’t be a semi-colon. You could use a comma, but that might make the sentence a tad long… I guess it’s up to you. ^_^
Very picky, but shouldn’t the light be in the fog as well, not behind it?
This struck me as very incongruously childish, considering Dyne’s gravitas and authority. It seemed like something Juliana would say.
I don’t understand the last bit—surely having the top hidden by the mist emphasizes its height? Also, saying it’s higher than anything Juliana’s read about sounds a bit strange.
This may seem picky, but I’m wondering why Radi’s silence is being commented on. Normally if I’m told that someone said nothing, I wonder what’s special about their silence—are they hiding something, are they resentful, angry, upset? But the scene immediately after this silence makes it seem like it’s nothing special. If there’s no reason behind Radi’s silence, you could leave this bit out and just go straight to the next bit.
Repetition of ‘tone’. Saying ‘in an unconvincing monotone’ sounds better.
Small letter.
I never understand why people do this. Your hand gets wet, and it’s one of the least subtle gestures on the market.
Missing punctuation.
Missing capital.
What does she mean, his tone is familiar? I guess she means she’s heard it before, but a soft tone of voice makes me think of a gentle, reassuring voice, and having that so close to ‘familiar’ gives me an overall image of a friendly, pleasant voice, which doesn’t seem right for the situation.
Missed out word.
Again with using ‘while’. Replace it with a comma and it’ll run a lot smoother.
---
There’s not much to comment here! Just a few points with the prose and rhythm and flow and stuff, but nothing really glaring.
Anyway, that was it! I’ll get to Part 2 as soon as I can. PM or Wall me if you have any questions, and keep writing!
-twit