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Young Writers Society


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Song Of Sorrow - Chapter 1

by Ducklinstories


                     

CHAPTER - 1

"Now I know why you always told me to be strong. You knew that one day I would need the strength to bear your loss."

-Unkown

He was always told to fear the stars, the little points of light that survive the darkness they are surrounded by. The stars were souls of those who died but nobody grieved for, the unloved ones. It used to make him sad. Everyone should have felt love at some point in their life, shouldn't they?

A warm tear rolled down Ethan's cheek. He felt no urge to wipe away his tears. Everyone was allowed to see what he had been feeling deep down. With a creaking sound, he sank to his knees. His gaze fixed on the monumental grave. The name was engraved on it in cursive letters "Elizabeth Powell".

He could not bear to see her name on the grave, yet he remained staring at it. He did not cry because he was in pain. He was the only one to know it were tears of joy. He was free, he was finally free.

"Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, Elizabeth" After his words were carried away by the wind, he stood up again. This time, his tears were replaced by a smile, a genuine one as he dropped the black rose on the grave. The symbol of loss and mortality, because he knew that in the end, they would all die.

1 Year earlier, 20th march 1982

The legend has been around for centuries, that humans have a guardian angel. But what if it appears not to be a legend? We have been protecting mankind since the first human being came to earth. As God has commanded us, we protect the weak.

We may appear as a normal human being, but deep inside our souls, you can sense that we are inhuman, something supernatural, something non-existent. But no living creature would ever be able to know that without us showing our true form, our angle form.

As the holy council has decreed, we shall never make contact with the human being we protect but what if he couldn't? Tragedies of angels falling in love with human beings fill history, but none of them had a happy ending.

Ethan panted heavily. With swift steps, he wandered through the ancient corridors of the Sorath, the initiation building. Today, on his 100th birthday, he would be assigned his human.

He was dressed in his father's old initiation robe. The white velvet fabric itched his legs with every step he took. A broad smile painted his face. He had been waiting for it since childhood.

His brown locks swayed along on his pace. Hazael would wait for Ethan at the doors of the great hall. But as usual, he was late. This time the blame was not on him but on his brother. He had promised to wake him but apparently, he had "forgotten". The grin on his brother's face as he ran outside told a rather different story.

(Chapter 1 comes in two parts!)


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4075 Reviews


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Sun Mar 14, 2021 4:16 pm
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: First things first, that's a really cool looking cover...love it. And the story is looking pretty good there on the first. I like the look it from my first quick glance over everything. Lemme get into a bit more detail down there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"Now I know why you always told me to be strong. You knew that one day I would need the strength to bear your loss."

-Unkown


Oooh starting with a mysterious quote there...I love that little touch there...very exciting start.

He was always told to fear the stars, the little points of light that survive the darkness they are surrounded by. The stars were souls of those who died but nobody grieved for, the unloved ones. It used to make him sad. Everyone should have felt love at some point in their life, shouldn't they?


Hmmm...I definitely would say yes to that question...poor souls indeed...and we are off on a bit of a sad note...oh dear...well at least it was interesting enough to work as a nice little hook for the story and that is great.

A warm tear rolled down Ethan's cheek. He felt no urge to wipe away his tears. Everyone was allowed to see what he had been feeling deep down. With a creaking sound, he sank to his knees. His gaze fixed on the monumental grave. The name was engraved on it in cursive letters "Elizabeth Powell".


And it just got even sadder, oh dear this story is getting me hooked with my weakest point ahhh....I should have known judging by that title.

He could not bear to see her name on the grave, yet he remained staring at it. He did not cry because he was in pain. He was the only one to know it were tears of joy. He was free, he was finally free.


Hmm...well that was an unexpected twist with the tears of joy but umm...I suppose we will be notified of the reason why in due time once we get to that point.

"Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, Elizabeth" After his words were carried away by the wind, he stood up again. This time, his tears were replaced by a smile, a genuine one as he dropped the black rose on the grave. The symbol of loss and mortality, because he knew that in the end, they would all die.


Well that sounds like a lovely little ending there...not quite sure about the whole my fault thing...or maybe my latin is just really bad but...uhh...well...I suppose once again...in time this story will reveal the truth.

The legend has been around for centuries, that humans have a guardian angel. But what if it appears not to be a legend? We have been protecting mankind since the first human being came to earth. As God has commanded us, we protect the weak.


Aaand we switch to this...well that's interesting...

We may appear as a normal human being, but deep inside our souls, you can sense that we are inhuman, something supernatural, something non-existent. But no living creature would ever be able to know that without us showing our true form, our angle form.


Slight typo there with angel being angle probably ruined that really dramatic moment a touch but nonetheless quite a statement to start off with for a first chapter.

As the holy council has decreed, we shall never make contact with the human being we protect but what if he couldn't? Tragedies of angels falling in love with human beings fill history, but none of them had a happy ending.


Ahh...that's usually how it goes down in most stories involving these things...oh dear...its gonna be another one of those...or is different this one time?

Ethan panted heavily. With swift steps, he wandered through the ancient corridors of the Sorath, the initiation building. Today, on his 100th birthday, he would be assigned his human.


Oh dear...100...that is a lot of waiting time before you get to choose a human. I'm guessing there is a good reason for that.

He was dressed in his father's old initiation robe. The white velvet fabric itched his legs with every step he took. A broad smile painted his face. He had been waiting for it since childhood.


Hmm...that's a fun little touch, this being his father's robe. Gives you a good sense of the backstory around it too.

His brown locks swayed along on his pace. Hazael would wait for Ethan at the doors of the great hall. But as usual, he was late. This time the blame was not on him but on his brother. He had promised to wake him but apparently, he had "forgotten". The grin on his brother's face as he ran outside told a rather different story.


Hmm...a mischievous moment there with the brothers, that's usually quite fun...I have high hopes for this story now...I will be definitely be looking out for the next part of this chapter.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a pretty good start to a story here. I'm excited to see what comes next here for this story. Anyway that's all I gotta say here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri Mar 12, 2021 6:28 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi DucklinStories,

Mailice here with a quick review! :D

First of all, a big wow for including a cover. I like the picture very much, especially the shading I find very successful.

But now to the actual story. The first section gives you a good overview of the plot in terms of the social status of the characters. Especially the question at the end works very well. When you have read this part to the end, you notice clearly how ambiguous the section can be, and that it seems much darker than you thought at the beginning.

The name was engraved on it in cursive letters "Elizabeth Powell".


These are just brief suggestions from me, speaking my opinion. Here it would be much more significant and powerful to insert a "Her" instead of "The" to give the passage described much more drama.

After his words were carried away by the wind, he stood up again.


I think it is a very beautiful sentence.

The legend has been around for centuries, that humans have a guardian angel. But what if it appears not to be a legend? We have been protecting mankind since the first human being came to earth. As God has commanded us, we protect the weak.
We may appear as a normal human being, but deep inside our souls, you can sense that we are inhuman, something supernatural, something non-existent. But no living creature would ever be able to know that without us showing our true form, our angle form.
As the holy council has decreed, we shall never make contact with the human being we protect but what if he couldn't? Tragedies of angels falling in love with human beings fill history, but none of them had a happy ending.


This part seems a bit too confusing and inappropriate in the sense that we are jumping from one point in the story to a previous year. There is still too much information missing to interpret it properly, but I would either emphasise it, like the quote you put at the very beginning, or put these sections at the very beginning so that it seems like a prologue.
The story jumps from the grave to Ethan a year ago without a warning and inserting the guardian angels in between (especially in the first person) seems slightly unclear, especially since you could give the impression that the narrator himself is an omnipotent being and now places himself on this level with the guardian angels. Hope this is explained understandably. But if it should be thought processes, I would emphasise writing it obliquely.

I can't yet form an accurate opinion of what the story will entail. I still have to read the second part of the first chapter. That's why I can't say much about your writing style yet. But the main thing is that you have fun writing! :D

Mailice





One is not born, but rather becomes a woman.
— Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex