Published January 21, 2009
I know this is far from perfect but I really like the idea so I need some help!
Inside me there’s a knot of dread,
Echoing softly in my head.
It warns of the photos of me,
Of the faces and places I used to see:
If you look back, you’ll soon be dead-
If I look back, I’ll soon be dead.
To my old haunts I dare not go,
Else I’ll see what time will show.
The girl that dwelled in this place
Is not me, though she has my face.
And I could search high and low:
But I will not find her, that I know.
If my photo you happen to find,
Look as close as you like, I don’t mind
Examined; she has the features I possess
A likeness, but a fabrication nonetheless
I think the world surely must be blind,
To think that her and I are in kind.
I am often consumed with fear,
When symbols of my past are near:
For once I’ve finished; once I’m done.
A shiny new person is begun:
And the past girl must adhere
All that’s left for her is to disappear.
So it must remain a mystery;
If I look back I know what I’ll see
All the secrets time has to tell
Visions of a life left for hell.
For in the past what can there be?
But confirmations of mortality.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Okay, the beginning is very good, the wrods rhyme and they don't sound forced. But the last two lines are kind of repetitive. Think of something that could mean the same thing without repeating the same lines.
This is once again following without forcing the rhyme, good job. I know I have trouble with that.
On this one you might want to add some more punctuation. Like after mind and possess.
You might want to take out all of the colons and put periods in their places, since you're not listing anything.
I love the ending. It just hit me, very good.
Overall, this piece is great. The idea is very good and you only need to improve on a few things. I love the ending and I believe that you are a very good poet. Keep at it.
I could only find one little nit pick:
These two lines are a bit too much repetition for me. You've only changed two words.
Other then that, wow. I don't really agree with the rhyme scheme comments; I like it. Poetry is really supposed to flow in my mind, and this flows really well. None of the rhymes really feel forced, minus the line above.
Definitely like I the idea. You've managed to implicate a harsh past without having the reader wonder what happened (well, much).
If you rewrite this, let me know!
Hey Ducati!
This is a decent attempt to use the subconscious of dreams as inspiration for poetry. If Freud liked it, what can I say?
I think you're restricting yourself too much with the rhyme scheme. At the moment, the poem sounds forced and the lack of sophisticated imagery loses the reader's interest. You have sacrificed vivid language for the sake of (weak) rhyme. If you're finding such a scheme too disciplined to free your thoughts, use free verse instead. Because this form is much more flexible, I find that I can express myself more clearly and elegantly. So, amending the first stanza in free verse, this:
"Inside me there’s a knot of dread,
Echoing softly in my head.
It warns of the photos of me,
Of the faces and places I used to see:
If you look back, you’ll soon be dead-
If I look back, I’ll soon be dead."
becomes this:
"Inside me, my head ties itself
in knots of dread. Low, silent voices
spiral through my ears:
they tell of flesh turning to bones,
places stripped bare,
the world lifeless, formless."
This is very quick, but you get the idea. Use the free verse format to liberate your imagination and let it spill across the page in plenty of captivating images. Key word here, I know.
If nothing else, choose a more flexible rhyme scheme.
Hope this helps.
Gahks
This is my first time reviewing a work, so if I say anything wrong please don't mind.
OK the Negative points first:
The rhyme and metre stucture is nice but not infalliable. It has got some abnormalities in some places.
Nice use of your vocabulary but it needs to be more graphic in detail.
If you need to get inspired about something dark and dreary i recommend Evanescence.
lastly the word 'photo' is sounding slightly striking so use some synonyms for it.
Now, the Positive points:
Great idea. I never get inspired from dreams but its easy to say that you must have got affected .
beautiful rhyming and brilliant word usage.
The story (if you may call it that) is painted very well but as mentioned above needs more detail.
there are some nice lines in here, and the idea/concept is good too but i think you're restricting yourself with such a strict rhyme scheme. Unless you are using the rhyme to try and evoke or put across something in the poem then you don't have to rhyme at all and it can come out a little forced.
Nice use of the word Fabrication.