Published August 26, 2010
Trapped
Have you ever felt trapped inside a lie?
Your heart beats faster
And you try to find a way out
Desperate
Panicked
But you're sufficating
Can't breathe
And it feels like a weight on your lungs
Your world is collapsing
Caving in on itself
And you're in the center of everything
Trying to get out
Clawing at an invisible cage
But some lies you can't get out of.
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139,643 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
I really liked the concept of this.. I've recently read quite a few poems that are about anxiety, and this seemed to be similar, but a bit different. However, I do think that it could be edited up a little bit. I would lengthen this.. make it a bit thinner in some parts, and just try to make the rhythm and paced feel panicked as well.. it will lend a tone to your words that will evoke even more emotion. I would also try to use more description.. more metaphors and the like.
Overall, a nice piece, but I think it could be improved a bit.. draw the reader more into the panic, stress the reason for it.. I think it will help make this write a bit more effective. Hope I helped.
-Coral-
Hi there,
I really liked the basic outline of the story- a lie that you're trapped inside of and can't get out of. I love poems that stretch sayings or whatever (trapped in a lie) and make it literal.
I will say this, though- I don't really like poems set up in this form. That's just my personal opinion, and I want to make it clear that it isn't your poem that I don't like- it's the form. Because I don't like the form, I know not much about it, and I would have a biased (is that a word..? :/ ) view.
So I told you what I liked, but I don't feel like I'm the right person to reply to the rest. I hope someone more helpful comments, and I'll end with a big good job.
If you have any questions about anything I've said, feel free to PM me~~