Prologue
My fist grew tighter and tighter as the lonesome minutes ticked by, slowly, one by one. Where was he?
A glance at my cell phone two minutes ago told me then he was twenty minutes late! I glanced suspiciously at the swollen rain clouds looming above, just as the first drop of rain plopped onto my scowling face.
Great! The first rain we have in months and I would be stuck in the middle of it. My temper was on the edge now as, wondering why I even bothered; I reached for my phone to ring him, just as a steady hand clamped on my shoulder.
A quick squeal escaped me and I frantically ran over the self-defence the school had taught me in my mind ready to defend. “Ringing anyone special?” My heart stuttered, but not out of fear anymore, and, recognising the playful voice I swivelled around. “Anyone could attack you babe you gotta have your wits on the edge!” A smooth chuckle came from his mouth, as his lips danced into a familiar grin. “Sorry I’m late” was the explanation I got as he ducked to kiss my cheek. I opened my mouth to complain but I didn’t get that far because two long, warm arms pulled my body closer to his, our eyes met and I grinned shyly. It was really raining now and I watched raindrops dripping from his hair, down his forehead and then lingering onto his dark eyelashes, fluttering above those deep blue eyes filled with everything I needed. Then he kisses me, the same way he did everyday, somehow though tonight the first rain, the waiting and the general atmosphere made it all more worthwhile.
This is why David and I where the most perfect couple in the school, why we could never fall out or disagree. Why when we hugged our bodies fitted together so perfectly, and why I could never ever remember feeling so happy- love.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Alright this is an intriguing start to a prologue. Its not too often we start with what seems like an oddly sort of generic weather based comment going on there. The mentions of this call and that whole bit does mix quite well with that though and that creates a bit of an interesting sort of cushion there to start proceedings on. There's just about enough going on in that particular situation to think that it should all work out quite well as the story expands, the end of this little passage certainly seems to suggest that something is about to happen.
Hmm well I don't think I have expected this sort of note to be what we ended up based on that start, but well this certainly makes for a really fun ending there. Its not too often that you run into a scene quite this cute to be ending on, but we've got ourselves a rather rare wholesome moment for a prologue to be ending on. Well certainly wholesome or otherwise this has been more than interesting enough that I definitely would like to be reading more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I don't really think that's this needed a prologue,
I would say this would be a good start to your first chapter.
For me it didn't really catch my attention.
maybe if you went into more detail and depth about there love.
Or if she was wonder of why he was late. Or what was so important that he would be late for there date.
(something like he was cheating, or doing something illegal)
it would drag you into the story.
It would makes someone actually want to know what was going to happen next.
It would makes someone want to read the next chapter like RIGHT now.
Well, JFW1415 has pratically said everything. it's a bit short to have a good critique. I liked it. I liked how it seemed that it was the voice (narrator) was the perfect girl in school. In romances it's usually the shy girl who does all the story telling. keep it going, and revise this one and you might be on a good start!
Keep on writing!
Nit-Picks
I'd ditch two things here. 1. Lonesome. You explain that later on in the paragraph, so it's really just telling something you later show. 2. Slowly/one by one. Not both, but one should go – it's just a bit repetitive.
Try to keep it present if you can. Why are you saying you looked at it two minutes ago? Just say you glance down now. Also, ditch the exclamation point. Show us her anger, don't just stick one of those on. They're kinda ugly.
Overall Comments
Honestly? There's not much point here.
A prologue is actually very rarely needed. Typically I see it in fantasy, where it sets the history before diving into the actual story. To get to the real story is usually a time gap, or a change in POV, or something else that really sets the prologue apart. There has to be something to make it different, and something that makes it needed.
There could very well be a time gap after this, but the prologue still isn't really needed. If you need this to be told later on, slip it in. If she kisses someone else, let her realize she doesn't get the same 'fireworks' with him as she did with this guy. If she passes this guy in the hall let her snub him for being so late. I don't know where you're going with this, but it's so easy to slip this into the story later on.
Also, try to slow down with your writing. This is romance – I want to feel like I'm there, like I'm experiencing this 'love'. Let us wait for him longer, get soaked, feel snubbed. Let them have more dialogue, have his hand be warm on her soaked body. Something. Details are your friend.
PM me for anything!
~JFW1415