I am here,
But you don’t bother noticing.
I am seen,
But only in the background.
I am heard,
But just as static.
There is a girl.
She lives in the back.
She is worse than invisible.
She is not noticed.
She is a background character.
She is lonely,
Because no one sees her.
She wishes she were
Invisible.
Then she’d have an
Excuse.
For why she’s not
Noticed.
And she would be
Unique
Enough to be able to
Stand out.
If she were
Invisible.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I liked this poem. I really could feel what the character was feeling. I have just one suggestion: maybe use some description from the outside world. Like describing something other than her feelings. It might make the poem more complete. Just a thought.
Keep Writing!
You have good description, but if you could use some imagery (metaphor, simile, etc), the poem would be loads better. Also try changing your sentence variety. Sometimes repetition is a good thing, but it's a bit overdone in the second stanza.
I really didn't like the enjambment in the third stanza:
She wishes she were
Invisible.
Then she’d have an
Excuse....
It makes the reading choppy. When you break the natural phrase, the reader speeds up the reading in order to get to the next word as soon as possible so that the phrase can be logically completed. In this stanza, I wouldn't use enjambs at all.
So add imagery and fix the enjambs, and you'll be good to go. I look forward to reading more of your work. Keep writing!
Okay, so the narrator feels invisible. Um...so what? This poem has failed to make me care. It's telling me rather than showing me, which makes for very boring reading.
Why does she feel invisible/lonely? Where is she? What happened? Who is she invisible to? What significance does the "you" mentioned in the first stanza have? Try answering at least some of these questions in your poem. But do it in an interesting way, using images that haven't been done a thousand times before.
If you put enough thought into this idea, you could make it really good. Work in details unique to your situation, so only you could have written it. Keep writing!