Published May 13, 2015
if you look really closely you can see toronto
teetering on the horizon line, tipping boldly and thundering
this way and that where the water froths -
it’s a bold kind of structure, spider-like as it claws itself out;
marks a foggy path along that faded line of vision,
the very tips of skyscrapers reaching up out of lake ontario
like hands, like fingers, like someone reaching
up and up and up.
i think you’ve got to be something like that;
a tottering thing that makes the water look still when it’s not
and i’m not still, not here where the ground is solid;
not here where the sun turns wet sand into gems when the tide
draws out.
it’s like i’m gatsby and you’re daisy
and the city is a green light begging to be touched by feeble fingers;
you’re standing at the top of the cn tower that’s smaller
than my thumb and i’m smaller still than the filmy water catching
at my skirts.
(i could reach out but my hands are not skyscrapers,
and you’re so far away)
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140,234 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
This is amazing, I can't even begin to tell you how beautiful this is. I'm awed and envious of your work!
Hey Dreamwalker~
WHOA.
I love your poetry. I've read the most previous poems you've posted, and then a couple days later I ended up coming across the spoken word versions of them in the forums, and I'm pretty much in love with your poetry. It's crazy. Like, I would marry it. O.O
That being said, I think this one is my favorite. The metaphor you use is spectacular; at first I thought you were comparing the metaphysical state (or maybe even the psychological state) of a person to the observable characteristics of a city. But then I saw the line
And I'm like, oh, this is a love poem. When I realized that it was a love poem, it actually intrigued me further and gave a deeper meaning to the metaphor. It was like it struck a nerve; I suddenly got this whole picture in my head of a guy and a girl standing on a bridge or something, and admiring the view of the city in the distance. Your imagery was wonderful:
I know I took a whole chunk out there, but I just didn't know where to stop. I can easily imagine what the narrator is envisioning. However, there is a spot in there...when you say "it's a bold kind of structure", I think. I'm still thinking about the city. Using the words "bold" and "structure" makes me think of buildings and foundations, and things of the sort. But as I read on, to "spider-like, as it claws itself out", I'm thinking of the tide, and the waves. I don't know. I think I know you're talking about the skyscrapers still, but between your word choice and how immediately before you said "where the water froths"...it messes with my brain. I get the simile you're trying to incorporate, but...I DON'T EVEN KNOW, DON'T LISTEN TO ME.
You transition into the third stanza smoothly. I've never actually read The Great Gatsby, but I do have a general idea of the characters you're referencing. This is awesome, how you can make a reference to a specific text, but refer to a classic so that your reader can still relate to what you're trying to say.
So the narrator is hesitant about creating a relationship with this other person, despite their feelings towards him/her. I love thing you say about "...the cn tower that's smaller than my thumb". It reminds me of when I used to block out my brother's face with my hand from across the room when I was younger, and say, "I can't see you!" and insist upon ignoring his existence (which I guess wasn't the image you wanted the reader to experience, but what can you do xD).
I agree with @faithless0408 in that my above-and-beyond-favorite line of all is the one about the tottering thing that makes the water look still. That is so beautiful, I might give my life to have written something like that.
This is going to be something of a short review, since there's not much for me to nitpick or to suggest for you to fix. Frankly, regarding my personal opinion, this poem is nearly perfect. There are so many more things I could compliment you for about the nature of your writing, but judging from your other lovely reviews, I feel as if you know how wonderful this is.
But just in case you didn't know: this poem is unspeakably amazing.
Yours,
Savvy
Spoiler
This was honestly very sweet of you, like I actually smiled for a good five minutes after reading this mostly because of the fact that it was seen for what it is. A love poem. But the narrator (or myself rather) is looking at the city like it holds all the answers. Like it's the green light and Daisy's standing at the top of the CN Tower, waiting. The lake is the distance, and the narrator is holding hope for something they can't reach. It's mostly about distance and longing and most of all about feeling inadequacy. Pretty well the normal sorts of feelings we all sort of experience regarding love especially when distance is a factor.
I'm really appreciative that it came across that way, and I'm honestly very touched that you liked it so much!
Your writing is so moving
I'm a dunce when it comes to poetry but this was great! I usually focus the words and how they make me feel, what they make me think of. I could imagine this lakeside perfectly, these lakes who are still but moving. The beaches with the sun and the water lapping at my feet. I can imagine it all. I also liked the Gatsby and Daisy reference. Lovely story that one. Awesome job!
Hi!
I feel strangely nervous to review this because it's so fantastic that all I will be able to say is just how fantastic it is...and I'm not sure that's much of a review at all! However, I think it would be silly for me to not share how much I enjoyed this piece with you and tell you what I particularly liked about it.
First things first, you're obviously an extremely gifted and skilled writer. Everything flows amazingly and I love the formatting choices you've made. Especially the "up and up and up" written in italics. You also have a great vocabulary but you've kept a good balance within this, not bombarding the reader with complex words every five seconds and holding that understanding and interest.
As much as I loved your description at the beginning, I think what makes this piece truly spectacular is when you get more personal with it. I love, love, love the line "i think you’ve got to be something like that; a tottering thing that makes the water look still when it’s not" I can't even describe why I love it so much, I think maybe it's just that the deeper meaning of it makes sense to me in terms of the people I love/have loved. I also really liked the whole Gatsby referencing at the end, that is one of my favourite books so that obviously helped but I thought it bought the piece to an end really nicely.
Overall, a really magnificent bit of writing by a clearly talented author. I'm so excited to read more of your work and please promise that you will never stop writing! A gift like yours can't be wasted!
Faithless
Eh, don't be nervous! I like criticism almost as much as I like praise so feel free to put down whatever you think or feel about it. In any which case, I thank you very much for your kinds words. It's much appreciated!
Hi!
I think that your poem is amazing. You have amazing descriptions and your tone is something that I've never really seen in a poem (maybe I haven't read enough). Your tone seems reflective and Matter-of-fact and that is just so unique to me. I also love how smooth this is, one line bleeds into another and I'm not stopping every two seconds to wonder whats going on. Again this is an amazing poem and I cannot wait to read more from you.