Published April 25, 2008
Hey all! I'm terrible at poetry - I know absoloutely nothing about it, but this is for school and I need reviews desperately. It's a poem where we have to compare ourselves to something, but I hate navel-gazing and that was almost impossible to avoid. Please review as soon as possible, and other than my eternal gratefulness, I will donate points to all and two or three in depth reviews of your own pieces. So, here goes:
My life is a song,
weaving.
Between the ringing choruses
And the echoing drumbeats,
that form my strong foundation.
Of friends - and family,
interlinking as time progresses.
The melody, my personality.
The accented chords of
my passionate arguments,
The dancing harmony of
my joyful laughter.
The lyrics, my quirks.
The flavor of my soul.
Rising and Falling.
Yet, unable to stand
Alone.
My life is a song,
weaving...
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140,681 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
First off *smacks you*
never ever ever ever say you're horrible at anything.
I would never consider ay piece of poetry "horrible" as long as it wasn't plagurized or fake; and I could tell this definetly wasn't.
The beginning really captured me and you did a relatively good job at potraying someone's life.
However, I felt no real originality. This could be anyone's normal life. There are no lines here that are overly emotional or show me your true sides. It's just a bit plain. I a not saying that's a bad thing because many people will be able to relate. I just feel like it needs a bit more of your own flavour.
This part however I felt was uncomfortable:
"The accented chords of
my passionate arguments,
The dancing harmony of
my joyful laughter."
It goes from sad to happy.
The emotonal change was a bit much for me.
Overall: it should give you a good mark. Nice piece of writing. No further comments.
8/10
Thumbs up!!
I like this. I do, however, have some confusion on the meaning of this piece. I don't see if it's saying you have a good life, or a bad life. Extend this piece, and add more detail into this. I hope this helps!
-Rick.
Well, I turned it in, unfortunately before I was able to check YWS, but whatever. =)
I used to be more of a poetry person when I was younger, but now that I dwell on it, I find alot of my older poetry from when I was 11 rather embarrasingly sappy. Eek. So it's not actually my first poem, but probably my first poetry in several years. And thanks, Myles Wong, for the comment on Esrydil. Esrydil is my baby. I'm around 1/7th of the way through it, with around 50 pages done. Yeah, from my plotting, it should finish out around 350 pages. Anyways, please do keep the critiques rolling in. I'm off to start on critiquing everyone else's stuff. [Bribery... bwhahaha. I normally wouldn't use it, except when I am desperate, like at this time.]
Sorry if this is too late.
For someone who thinks they're so bad at poetry, this was quite good, nothing to be worried about, I don't think.
"The melody, my personality.
The accented chords of
my passionate arguments,
The dancing harmony of
my joyful laughter." I really like this verse. Good comparisons and good flow:)
"The lyrics, my quirks.
The flavor of my soul." These are my favorite lines. I might, though, change the period at the end of the first line to a comma or a semicolon.
Really, you've no need to be scared about poetry. I'm guessing this was your first, and being that, it was very good:)
You should try writing more poetry, this was good:D Hope I helped you some.
*adna*
While I'm sure I know no more about poetry than you do, I'll give it a shot...
I'm not sure if that comma should be there or not. It feels like it would flow better without the comma, but it could also completely change what it's saying. I'd get rid of it, but there you go.
I really like the double-meanings of these lines. I'm not sure if it was deliberate (I'm guessing it was) but "accented chords" and "passionate arguments" really descride each other well, ditto "dancing harmony" and "joyful laughter".
This stanza works well. "flavour," "Rising and falling", and "unable to stand alone" all really support the song metaphor. However, should Falling be capitalised?
The starting-and-ending-with-the-same-couplet thing is a little clichéd, isn't it? I mean, I respect that the reason anything becomes clichéd is that it works well, but "Unable to stand alone" feels like a really powerful ending, too. Maybe that's just me...
Anyway, as someone who really isn't a fan of poetry, I liked this. I wish some of the stuff we have to study for GCSE literature was more like this. Looking at your other stuff, I agree poetry isn't your very strongest point (Esrydil FTW), but I still think this'd be good enough for 14-year-old literature if American High Schools are anything like the Welsh. Good luck
You're not so bad at poetry. This was quite good actually. I know that if you keep trying, you will be a great poet. Best wishes!
Well, i'm still looking for reviews. If you can do so by.... 12:00 EST or so and e-mail to cool_horse_1044@yahoo.com, I'd be super greatful and would extend the offer. I am so scared about poetry, I don't know anything about it.