Published December 27, 2007
One of those things from years ago that I'm embarrassed I wrote.
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140,527 Literary Works • 673,392 Reviews
Hey there again! I think I prefer this chapter to the other. It's smoother and you develop the character of Amara well. There could still be more description though. For example, I think you could be a bit clearer about how he's seeing her memory. Is it as if he has walked into her mind, as if he were there himself or does he feel like an observer? Does Amara blend into her memory, into the vision or does she stand out. Does she seem more or less real than the other participants?
[In other places you've missed out words such as 'a' and 'can' so use the same technique throughout.]Then there's Galdad. He's obviously very important so why not describe him more? How is he dressed? How does he move? Is he a confident man, a figure-head or is he more of a brute. Is he old or middle aged or maybe even young? Tall or short. Dark or fair. Just give the reader more description. And where does this memory take place? I get the feeling that it was outside but where? Grassy field? Clearing in the middle of a wood? Desert? Soil? Then what is the weather like? It might be quite interesting if it looks to be raining but Elhyan can't feel it. Or maybe he can and allows himself to be absorbed into the events.
Just a few things for you to think about. Then there's Amara's way of speaking. Most of the time it is broken English which is great, phonetics speech always helps set a character but then other times she speaks perfectly. I think you need set rules. Here's an example -
And I suppose that leads me into other more specific suggestions -
“Oh, stop acting so ungrateful,” they [You've already noted the voice as feminine and singular so don't confuse your reader. Use she.] said. “I should chosen someone else.”
I felt her fingertips grasp my wrist, feeling my heart pulse feebly. [This is a touch awkward. Perhaps '...feeling the feeble pulse of my beating heart.']
Reaching out her grimy hands, she placed them upon my brow and muttered a long flowing monologue. [Why are her hands dirty? If you don't have a reason, then describe them as milky or something more interesting but until now you've presented her as an ageless old woman who does not seem the type to have grimy hands.]
“Are ... are you sure?” I stuttered. [No space between the first 'Are' and the ellipse.]
I glanced down at my body, translucent and silver, floating next to Amara, who seemed unaware [s]from[/s] of me.
Around us, soldiers hacked at [s]as[/s] the demonic creatures [s]of Galdad attacked him[/s] as they were attacked.
There, I saw a sinister dragon beat its wings, and slowly descend[s]ed[/s] until it was beside Galdad. [Careful with your tenses.]
The acts of valor and bravery committed [s]today[/s] that day deserved remembrance through all the ages of men.
With a flick of his hand, the Elves [You can't suddenly refer to them as elves. Change it to Endrians.] were stopped and all tumbled to the ground foolishly, [How do you tumble to the ground foolishly? Maybe pathetically or something to show that they are nothing against his power but you are trying to show their wisdom in staying to fight so not foolishly.] lying prostrate as dust rose and clouded the air.
Amara’s eyes never left her, and the old woman whispered nervously, clutching her tiny sword. Cloaked in white, the maiden bore no mail or protection from a blade.
“Please, Amara, tell me about this girl.” I silently begged, looking around eagerly for her as if I could summon her voice again. [How do you beg silently? Be clearer. And is he back at this point? That's another thing. Back where? Does this chapter start with him waking in a cave? Or a wooden hut? Some sort of house? Field? By a stream?]
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In general, I think you have a pleasant plot developing here but you need to keep the five senses in mind. What can your persona see? What can he hear? What can he smell, taste, touch. Help your reader to visualise the story, that way they will be drawn in further.
It's really got a good pace and the plot is getting interesting. I don't do exact quotes for nitpicky stuff, but I do have just two things:
1. When the words are italizied, it means it's in his head right? I think it's a really good idea, just that when you state the action, for example: "the old woman quietly said" it would be better to revert back to normal text.
2. When the old lady says "tell them it's from Amara", it's automatically assumed that the lady is Amara. However, she could simply be conveying it from higher up, and that would be nowhere close to her own name.My suggestion is to slide it in another way.
Overall a really good job! I look forward to reading the rest, and hope you continue to look over my story
No no, not too long. I just took a long time to read it.
Hey,
Okay. I really liked this. Your descriptions were nice and the pacing was good. I just have a few nit picky things.
That should be: I should have chosen someone else.
That would make more sense if you said: None of those rumors are true. Or: None of the rumors spread about us are true.
It was a little bit long, but nothing too bad. There were some parts where I wanted to stop reading, but again, nothing too horrible. Good work and thanks for reviewing my story.
~N~
Maybe I'm being impatient again, but I was kinda hoping for a review by now, lol. Any reason why people are afraid to review my story? Is it too long or something?