Published June 14, 2015
Wealth and Riches - by Dustin Duong
Chapter I: Of Foreigners
The tavern was unlike any other that he’d visited in the recent years; the rowdiness and clamorous nature of the West seemed to have dissolved into a comforting peace here. Rather than screaming across the table at one another, and pouring liters of brandy down their throats, the patrons were engaged in light conversation over small shots of a less powerful concoction. Their words were mere whispers to his ears, which had been accustomed to the noises of his homeland.
As he glanced about from his position at the counter, he took notice to the sparsity of the customers. Many of them selected seats against the brownish-gray walls of clay, whilst others preferred tables that were in the center of the floor. Above the chairs that were pushed back against the walls and in the corners were various forms of decor, as if to diminish the monotony that characterized the structure, ranging from intricately-designed bronze shields, to masks dressed with red and black war paint.
One of the men from the farther end of the enclosure stood to approach the bartender. He bore strange garb: loose-fitting garments, a maroon shade of red, that hung from his person similarly to robes. A scarf, of an identical shade, was wrapped around his neck, as if to prevent the cold from piercing his body. Of course, they were being subjected to a sweltering temperature, the heat seeping through the crevices in the wall. It was strange.
The oddly-dressed man halted at the counter, leaning over to take a bottle of wine, followed by his slipping of several silver coins onto the wooden surface, an act that would have likely concluded in bloodshed in the Western nations. The peoples that dwelled within this nation seemed rather docile. It was a serenity that he’d never been accustomed to, and likely never would.
Another similarly-dressed person stepped in, flanked by two companions. He was speaking loudly, or simply at a higher volume than the other tavern-goers. Eyes fell upon him quickly, prompting him to utter what seemed to be an apology in a strange tongue.
The one sitting at the counter swiveled to face the bartender beyond, who was preoccupied with wiping down glasses and bottles. His unwavering expression of complete focus dissolved when he was beckoned to by the foreigner across from him.
“Excuse me, sir!”
At that, the tender grunted in acknowledgement, placing the glass amongst the others. He leaned against the counter. “A traveler?”
“Aye, and might I say that this wanderer quite enjoys your nation here? Much quieter than the West.”
“A distant voyage for serenity,” noted the bartender with a grin.
“Oh, I haven’t come for a reprieve.” He paused, holding out his hand. “I don’t believe that we’ve been acquainted. Jarren Aes."
The bartender grasped his forearm and hand, shaking it firmly. “Anees Vakron.” The client, Jarren as he claimed, raised an eyebrow, grunting in curiosity, seemingly amusing his bartender. “It is a common greeting here. Similarly to how you Westerners shake hands.”
“I figured as much,” he commented with a grin.
From there, the conversation proceeded as one might amongst a decent tavern-goer and bartender, with all of the necessary formalities and good graces. Jarren regaled his new companion with stories of his travels--of how he had to brave the wilderness on good nights, and trails pocked with vagabonds on bad ones. Anees tried fairly well to comment along the way, though decided that it would be best to allow him to speak. Sometime later, he offered stories of his own.
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139,289 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Heya, Dreamery! Casanova here with another review!
The first thing is I really like the plot here. You're keeping it going, and it seems strong. The ending was a bit of a let down, I expected something more dramatic than that, but I guess you can't make the whole thing dramatic and suspenseful. Anyway, on to the next thing.
The characters seem a bit dull, but that's to be expected in a situation like this. I would suggest playing around with them. Besides being overly serious, and in one point EVEN GRINNING, they seem as about full of life as the corpse in your last story. Anyway, on to the next thing.
Overall I think that you've done a rather decent job with this. The suspense really kicks the dirt about half way through, though, and I would suggest picking it up for at least a cliffhanger that makes me want to read the next chapter. And I would also suggest doing something that would make the characters seem more relatable than this. Anyway, I hope this helped, even a little bit.
That's all I have to say on this one.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Casanova
Hi there, Dee! Because this piece is short (but sweet
), in this review I'll be suggesting a few small changes and sharing with you 4 things that I loved about this excerpt. I can't wait to review this... so let's get started, shall we?
Ready? Set? Go!
I'd omit the comma before "and", because "pouring liter of brandy down their throats" is a dependent clause.
There's a double use of "were" here, which I'd suggest changing. You can easily omit the first "were" from the first sentence ('the patrons...concoction').
The phrase "glanced about" seems to almost contradict itself. I think of a glance as a quick look-- I associate "about" with a more elongated gaze.
Sorry for the long quote, but I just wanted to point out the common sentence structure that some of these sentences share. It's always really helpful to me to go back and read my entire piece aloud, checking for things like this. Maybe you'll find it helpful, as well!
Unnecessary comma before "and".
(Also, you don't need the comma before "to masks".
You can omit the "stood to" in this sentence... for clarity's sake.
This sentence is a bit awkward. I'd suggest omitting a few words and moving a phrase around, like so:
"maroon garments that hung from her person similarly to robes".
Unnecessary comma before "or".
Note:
I'm truly sorry if this review seems like only grammatical points. I'd love to give you more feedback if you give me a bit more context. I don't want to overstep my boundaries and tell you what to do with plot here, since I haven't had a chance to experience the entire story.
4 Things I Love:
1.
You capture the "fantasy" voice perfectly in this phrase. I'm immediately exposed to the vastness of your land and the diversity that resides there.
2.
I don't know why I like this, but I truly do. Your quick description at the end ("noted...grin") really adds a natural feel to the dialogue.
3.
Where are you getting these names?! They're awesome.
4.
Your use of "vagabonds" furthers your voice and the story. Excellent job.
Resources:
Below, I've compiled some resources for you to consult throughout your later adventures in writing.
- An awesome article by Grammar Monster on commas and conjunctions: http://www.grammar-monster.com/lessons/ ... ctions.htm
- Rydia is a genius about sentence structure: Sentence Structure
- CastlesInTheSky writes about showing and telling and how to accomplish the former: Show and Tell
- RacheDrache goes even further than traditional dialogue in this awesome piece: Linguistics and Dialogue, Application
Keep writing, and--as we say in my hometown--don't forget to be awesome.
IronSpark
This is an interesting start to your novel. However, I feel like it was just a tad short. That is just a personal opinion since I tend to like longer chapters. I know that some people don't like reading long entries on yws because it is hard to read. To me, this feels more like a prologue, not the first chapter. The content did hook me, so well done there. I am quite interested to see how the rest of the story progresses. The rest of the chapter flows pretty smoothly until the very last paragraph. You might consider changing the "conversation proceeded as one might (expect?) amongst a decent tavern-goer and bartender..." and actually replace it with some brief dialogue. It could also help you extend the chapter a bit. Aside from that, great job!
It's merely an excerpt of Chapter I!