Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I found her, hanging from the ceiling; her neck was bent at an angle. Bones stuck out of her everywhere, in every direction. Long shallow cuts vandalized her body, staining her beautiful tanned skin red. Her blond hair was torn from places and her fingernails were gone. She was left in her undergarments; these too stained red. When my eyes fell upon this unholy sight I gasped and backed away, only to find my body stuck up against a wall. It was dark and cold; I could hear water in a direction I did not know. Frantically I searched for a way out, looking for a door handle our some closed window. I found neither, and gave up when my body was sore and my legs were bleeding from walking on the sharp stone. Where was I? What was I doing here?
I must have fallen asleep because I opened my eyes to the faint light of an open window. I scrambled to my feet and crawled towards the stream of sunlight. I pressed my nose up to large, black metal bars overlooking the side of a mountain. Damn there went my attempt at a window escape. I guess I should locate that door, that wouldn't be so hard now would it. I turned around to find a big dark stain in the middle of the room; there was no body though, nothing. In daylight the room or cell was a whole lot bigger then I had expected. From were I was I could see no door. Slowly I made my way around the room pushing on every crack of the wall, I still couldn't find a door. What the hell is going on?
Ok let me replay this in my head, I sat down on the hard floor. Staring around me. First, I was walking to Trinity's house. Then, I was struck hard in the head and now, I am here. God what a horrible 12 hours it has been. I looked up when I heard metal scrap across the hard stone. A person --most likely male-- walked in, his head covered and shadowed in what appeared to be a black hoodie. I cringed at the sight of who could be my kidnapper, standing and shrinking farther into the room. A small metal try was place on the floor in front of me, which contained an apple, a slice of toast and a carton of milk. I eyed it suspiciously deciding not to eat --even though I was starving-- and to just throw it out the window. Who knew, drugs might be in there.
I thought that after I pretended to take the food that the person would leave, but no they had to stay. Well fuck that, how else am I going to throw it out the window if someone is watching me. I looked at the person square in the face --well not exactly their face was covered by black material--but still, I thought maybe if I was to intimidate the man he would go away. WRONG. He moved closer and sat not more then three feet away. I had a thought in just throwing my food, but that would surely get me hurt know would it. Maybe my best move was to eat the food, but lord I was scared of what could have been put in it. First rule of being a prisoner, never trust what your kidnappers bring you. I learned that from watching over half a day’s time in criminal investigation shows. Like Bones, Law and Order SVU and so on.
Putting the tray back on the floor I slid it over to the man. He stretched out one hand and caught the food before it bumped against his leg. Taking it and setting the tray and food behind him he kept looking at me with eyes I could not see. It was starting to freak me out, you know being in a room were you had no means of escaping with a stranger staring at you like you were a piece of art they were pondering on buying. --Yeah real creepy--. I sat against the ice-cold wall and pulled my legs up in front of me, burying my face into my arms. I sat there like that for a long time, days it felt like. Nothing happened until I could her shuffling, the person was getting up but instead of leaving they sat down right next to me. My body shivered as I felt the warm presence of the other body pressed against mine.
I could now tell it was a he from the sent of the cologne that wafted my way. He took my hold of my right arm and flipped it over so my long shallow cut was pointing towards the heavens. He was gentle about it too, looking at it with such disgust. He slowly reached into his pocket and pulled out a small package, it was a first-aid kit. My surprise must have been to noticeable because he chuckled a bit. He took out one of those wipes that stung when made contact with your cut and cleaned of the dried blood. Next he poured some peroxide (which stung like hell) and whipped it off after it cleaned my cut. Lastly he put a band-aid on my arm and cleaned up his supplies. Why the hell is he doing this to me? Most men capture girls so they could like you know rape them and shit. Why was he being so nice?
I could feel an arm wrap around my waist and pull me into his waiting arms. I lifted my head to find his eyes looking at my face, a warm comforting smile spread across his lips. God his eyes were beautiful, they were a golden brown with the faint trace of yellow-green. Damn it Story, you are not supposed to fall in love with your kidnapper. I laughed slightly at myself and then stopped when I saw his head tilt in the "what’s so funny" way. I wanted to look away; I really did but something about him made me keep starring. It was like he was sad for me, like it hurt for him to see me sitting here.
I watched him put his hand on my hair and stroke it in that comforting way a mother would do if she found her daughter crying. I couldn't help but let the tears fall from the corners of my eyes. My head fell upon his shoulder and I buried my face into his jacket, I knew it was wrong but I needed support right now. I am a sixteen-year-old girl emotions are not my stronghold. I felt myself being lifted of his shoulder and then was replaced on a scratchy cotton shirt. I watched as he pulled his black jacket over my shoulders and rested it up under my chin.
I don't know when I fell asleep, but I did. I awoke on top of a soft bed, with pillows all around me. Sitting up I found my self in the middle of a room, there were books on a bookshelf and a small T.V. in the corner with a love seat in front. I reached my hand down and grabbed my arm, only to find it wrapped up in a tight bandage. Frantically I started to rip it off, afraid of what I would find. I was stopped though someone else grabbed my wrist and held it in place as they gently repositioned my arm on a soft black pillow. I turned around to see HIM sitting on the bed next to me. I was mildly surprised that he brought me here but apart of me actually suspected it.
"Who-who are you," I stuttered out as I tried to release my arm from his grip.
"The names Jacob. I'm so sorry that they brought you here." Jacob looked down, afraid that I was mad at him.
Something inside of me kept saying 'hug him, hold him. Show him that you care' but I didn't know how. I wanted to yes, but didn't know. Instead I wedged away from him and stared at him from the opposite corner of the room. I sunk against the wall and started to cry again. Why? Why was I here? What did they want from me?
"Please, please don't cry, I promise I won't let them hurt you." Jacob stood up but stopped when he saw me flinch.
Before I had a chance to react a loud boom erupted from the other side of the door. Jacob quickly stood and walked over to me, picking me up bridal style and placed me on the bed. "Stay here and pretend you are asleep," afterwards he walked towards the door, looking back at me before opening it. I shut my eyes as a figure appeared on the other side of the frame, leaving my ears open for what was going to be said.
"Son, what is the girl doing in your room. She is supposed to be in the cell holder. How dare you disobey my orders!," a large beefy man yelled at Jacob as he barged his way into the room.
"I'm sorry dad, but she passed out from a cut on her left arm. I couldn't leave her there when she needed medical attention." Jacob looked up to his father and yelled back, his face radiating pure furry.
The large man looked my way, my eyes were shut so I couldn't see what he looked like face-to-face. I had a feeling though that he wasn't smiling. That made me extremely uncomfortable.
"Son, just this time do you understand me. She will be the only girl you are to look after. If I catch you near any of the other wards I will lock you up in one myself, do you understand?" The large man looked away and I slowly opened my eyes, he was shaking a fat finger at Jacob.
"Yes sir, I promise." Jacob shot a quick glance at me and I looked at him with a questioning look, he ignored it and looked back at his father.
I watched as Jacob's father turned and stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Jacob turned back to me and walked over to the bed. Sitting down he put a hand on my leg and rubbed it. I felt the bed sink as he laid down and brushed my hair from my face. He leaned in and whispered in my ear, 'I promise I will take care of you.' With that he turned me around and I buried into his side. Falling back to sleep.
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Wow this is interesting. I really like it so far. It makes me crave for the next part. It did get a little confusing at times but I figured it out. Just a few errors here and there but besides that it was good
I give it a 3.75 out of 5 so far
This a good piece. You have some good description here and mix it with the thoughts of the character quite well. I have a few gramatical things that I'll point out.
Please don't use brackets in a piece of narrative. You do this multiple different times and it's rather bad practice. There are much better punctuation marks that you can use in place of the brackets. Here, for example, commas would work much better.
You've put 'that' twice here and you only need one of them. It doesn't really matter which one you keep - either would work.
I am really not sure what you were trying to say here. Make sure you read back the sentences you write to be sure that they make sense, because your brain can run away with you when you're writing.
I think you may have missed out a semicolon or a hyphen here between 'though' and 'someone'.
Apart from that I would just give this another quick proofread and it should make for a good start to a story.
Happy wiritng.
This is really good, I actually want to read more! But I would like to give you a little advice. Since this is narrated, try using dashes instead of parenthesis all the time. For example:
"He took out one of those wipes that stung when made contact with your cut and cleaned of the dried blood. Next he poured some peroxide (which stung like hell) and whipped it off after it cleaned my cut."
She really look like this:
"He took out one of those wipes that stung when made contact with your cut and cleaned of the dried blood. Next he poured some peroxide--which stung like hell--and whipped it off after it cleaned my cut."
thank you... I will change all my parentheses to dashes soon/
Salve!
First of all, it needs a bit of polishing and some minor changes which I will point out next. You concentrate a lot on the physical aspects of your character, but the atmosphere remains somewhat plain as you have no description of the internal turmoil. You say your character searches a way out, but if you link those actions with the feelings inside, thoughts or lack of (as instincts kick in), the scene gets a tone.
Here. I'll give you a minor example of what I have in mind:
"I found her, hanging from the ceiling like a gruesome puppet whose strings had all been cut. Her head was bent on a side in an unnatural angle, while bones stuck out of her in every direction[...] I stood there petrified, holding my breath as my eyes refused to move away from the sight. Panic, terror slowly started to overpower my rational thoughts. There was nothing rational in that image, nothing logical, nothing natural I could possibly accept as reality. [...] Fear was the only thing left in me as I tried to claw my way out. I pulled at the door handle in hopes that it will open the door, but I could feel myself loosing my strength..."
It is only an example. Your character seems to be rather calm for that situation she is in, so make her reactions believable. Either tell she was expecting that to happen or that she was prepared, or maybe make her pass from one state to another, from panic to calm. She starts thinking her way out, understands that she needs to keep her composure in order to survive.
~ "I didn't know if they had put drugs in my food or not, but I wasn't ready to take the risk. I needed a clear head."
~ She's in a tight spot, starving and in a room with a stranger, in an unknown place, no way to escape and she takes time to notice how handsome that guy is and react to it? That's not one bit realistic. Yes. She can notice the features of the guy, describe him in a more neutral way and THEN let her attraction develop (after she's been fed, led to safety, tend to).
Stick a band-aid on a girl and she'll love you forever! God, I wish it was that easy.
Ok. All in all your piece needs polishing. Make your characters react in a realistic way. Take some time and think them through. Write, let it rest and then read it again, see if you think it suits the characters you want to create, if the situation is well built, if one action is far fetched or too plain for a scene and so on and so forth.
I hope I was of some help and that you'll not see my review as something bad or as an obstacle to stop writing.
--Dante--
Thank you for your help, I will defiantly take what you said into consideration.