A bad day-
Rain poured from the sky as a lone figure walked down the dark, deserted street.
Her black boots splashed in the puddles while her grey coat was pelted with raindrops. She clutched the sides of her hood, and appeared to be fighting away not just the water that fell effortlessly from the sky, but all the invisible horrors of the night that threatened to harm her.
She strode purposefully down the street, never stopping till she came to the elegant house on the right.
Number twenty-three Strawberry Lane was a tall building with two stories made up of red brick that surrounded four square windows and the small round one at the top. On the roof stood a chimney, black smoke leaking through its dusty jaws and disapated into the finally fresh air that engulfed it.
The slender girl walked up to the dark wooden front door, and rolled her eyes at finding it locked. Pulling out her rusty key from her jean pocket she unlocked the door, and pushed it open, stepping inside.
Stuffing the key back into her pocket, she looked around the darkened house and silently started towards the stairs.
Suddenly the lamp flickered on, and she stopped dead in her tracks, closing her puffy red eyes.
“Well, well, well. Look who decided to come back.” A gruff voice said.
Sighing, she turned around and looked at the man who stepped out of the shadows.
He was a bigger man, with balding, brown hair and sharp, cold brown eyes that almost looked black.
“I thought we’d finally gotten rid of you.” He sneered
The girl threw back her hood, revealing long, brown hair that curled slightly at the bottom.
Her dark green eyes showed hints of anger, and also fear as she continued to gaze at the man across from her.
“Well? What do you have to say for yourself?” He spat
“I’m sorry, Uncle Matt.” She whispered dropping her gaze.
Her uncle scoffed, walking over towards her.
“Oh, you’re going to be.” Uncle Matt hissed
“Evelyn Grey, the girl who runs away from all her troubles.” He said beginning to circle her
She looked up at her uncle, anger evident in her eyes.
“I don’t run away.” She said barely managing to keep from shouting.
“Oh no?” Uncle Matt asked, a look of mock surprise on his face.
“Lets see, you ran away when you heard about your parents death. You ran away after a month of living here, the home we so graciously offered. Twice from school, and five times, not counting today, in the past three years.”
Evelyn looked away as her uncle continued to sneer at her.
“Go to your room, and be prepared for your punishment tomorrow. I’m too tired to deal with you tonight.” Uncle Matt spat.
She wasted no time in turning and running up the stairs. Towards the end of the hallway, she opened the old wooden door and revealed another set of stairs, which she climbed up.
At the top was a blue door, with a sign on it that read; Evelyn’s room.
Pushing the door open, Evelyn stepped inside and gasped as she looked around at her small room.
Clothes were thrown everywhere, her papers scattered, and bed stripped bare with the covers hanging from her lamps.
Spotting a note taped to her window, she walked over and read it.
Dear freak,
Maybe next time you’ll think twice before making fun of me in front of my friends. Enjoy cleaning up your “room”
Your loving cousin -Blaine Donalds
Evelyn tore the note off, and crumpled it up before throwing it across the room.
She had to bite her lip to keep from crying as she looked around at the mess.
Why? Why would he do this to her?!
He’d bullied her around in front of his “friends” hundreds of times.
Evelyn had been tired of it, and made a comment about how he had to use his strength to make up for his lack of brains.
So what if she embarrassed him, he hurt her everyday!
Sighing, Evelyn pushed her thoughts away, knowing it wouldn’t help solve her problems.
She walked around her room, picking up her clothes, folding them, and putting them back into her dresser.
Then she gathered up her papers, and spilled pencils and reorganized them on her desk, before going over and getting her sheets put back on the bed.
Once she was done, she looked over at her clock on the nightstand beside her bed, and saw that it was already twelve o’clock.
Groaning, she went over to her bed, and kneeled down prying up a loose floorboard.
Inside were her most treasured items she possessed.
A photograph of a man and a woman, both tall with brown hair, and kind eyes, that smiled up at her as she reached inside and pulled it out. Turning it over, she stared at the writing and felt tears prick her vision.
John and Mary Grey. 1972-2002
The parents she hardly knew, and would never get to know.
They had adopted her when she was only a year old, and from what Evelyn remembered, they were very kind, and loving. However when she was six years old, they were both tragically killed in a car accident.
So she was sent to live with her mothers’ brother, Matt Donalds, his wife, Susan, and their younger son, Blaine who was a year older than Evelyn.
Since then life had gone downhill for Evelyn. The Donalds really didn’t like her, and expressed their displeasure every chance they got.
They gave her the smallest bedroom in the house, which also happened to be the attic, and heaped loads of chores on her everyday.
If her chores were not completed, or unsatisfactory, she would be given more, or made to redo them, which often resulted in her staying up to unimaginable hours of the night, or going without food.
Sometimes, like today, Evelyn just couldn’t stand it anymore and had to get away for a while.
She wasn’t running away, she was just…taking a small break.
Putting the photo down beside her, she looked down at the last two items that lay inside, and pulled them out.
In one hand, she held a small box, which contained her birth certificate and some money she’d managed to save over the years.
In the other hand, she held a small blue journal that was nearly halfway filled with her writing.
Placing the journal up on her bed, she set the box down, and took the lid off. Taking out the small red sack, she opened it up and looked inside. She had around a hundred dollars inside, from doing small jobs through the years.
It wasn’t enough to buy much, but it was plenty to get her out of here. Which was all she needed.
Evelyn reached into her jean pocket, and withdrew a few bills, which she put into the sack.
Closing it up, she put it back into the box and placed the lid on, before putting it back inside the hole, along with the photo.
Sliding the floorboard into place, she stood up and went over to her dresser.
She took out a pair of grey sweats, and a red t-shirt, and quickly changed.
Throwing her clothes into the laundry bin next to the dresser, she went back over towards her bed and pulled the covers back before sitting down.
Grabbing her journal, she leaned back against the headboard, and took out the pen inserted inside the journal.
Opening it up, she started to flip to the last page, stopping every once in a while to read what she’d previously wrote. Evelyn could tell on some how upset she had been, as a few of the pages had holes in them, or the ink was a lot darker than normal.
She could also tell how her thoughts had changed over the years.
Her first entries being so optimistic that things would change, only to end with giving up that dream and wishing time would hurry up so she could get out of here.
Turning to the last entry, she opened up her pen and started to share her thoughts and feelings to the only thing she could.
They did it again today, giving me a list of chores impossible to complete, only to make me do more when I couldn’t finish those! So I ‘ran away’ as Uncle Matt likes to call it. Only to return ‘home’ and find my room had been destroyed by Blaine. It took me two hours to clean everything up, and he claimed to have done it because I embarrassed him in front of his stupid friends.Honestly, if I could, I would’ve punched him. But I know that would only get me into more trouble than I already am for “running away” and Blaine would have his gang beat me up. 5 years left till I can finally leave. I can’t wait till that day comes!
Evelyn closed the journal and placed the pen back.
She slid it into her pillow, and grabbed the covers, pulling them over her. Reaching up, she turned off the lamp, and let her eyes adjust to the dark before laying down.
Looking up at the window above her, she sighed and watched as the raindrops slid down the glass, her eyes drooping closed, and at last falling asleep.
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Hey there Dreamer, you only received one review from your Secret Santa during Christmas in July, so here I am to give you your second review!

So I actually found this really interesting, and I think this story has a bucket load of potential. I think this stands well as a first chapter because you introduce us to your main character, give us some background information, and keep things interesting enough to catch my interest and make me want to read on. Your imagery is really great too, which I am slightly jealous of because I am absolutely dreadful at creating good imagery myself! The imagery is probably my favourite part of your writing actually, so a massive thumbs up there. You have a good balance of everything too: descriptions, dialogue, narrative e.t.c. Nothing overrides the others, which is awesome.
Now with regards to critiques and suggestions, I do want to pick on something regarding format and layout. As someone else mentioned, the size and the font of your text suddenly changes a lot throughout this chapter. One second, it's big and the next it's small. Although I'm sure you cans ee that yourself! My guess is that it's maybe due to a copy and pasting errors, and I would suggest fixing it because it's pretty distracting. Saying that though, it may be a site error. If that is the case and you really can't fix it yourself, I'd suggest posting in Report a Site Bug so that it can hopefully get fixed.
This is quite a short chapter really, so I don't really have piles and piles of critiques for you. I think the main thing that did stick out to me here though was that while I like your story thus far, it isn't really the most original one. The concept of dead parents whose child lives with their awful family members is seen a lot. It derives from the sort of idea of Cinderella, and there are a lot of novels out there with similar ideas i.e. Harry Potter. Now there's nothing wrong with having a pretty typical plot idea, but you have to be very careful with it. It's important that you make this story stand alone, and any cliches it does have should have some originality surrounding them. Make sure your story is different in one way or another.
The reason I'm especially focusing on this is because this is a first chapter. Opening chapters are insanely important because they can often be the reason your readers do or don't read on. If the first chapter has a lot of cliches in it and lacks some originality, you risk losing some of your more impatient readers. They figure they've seen it all before, and don't bother reading on because they think your story is going to be predictable. I personally think that's very impatient, but hey, people will do that. I'm not saying you should change your plot entirely--no way--but bear this in mind for the following chapters. Plus if you can, maybe throw in some more original aspects to this chapter. Note something about your main character that's a little different. For example, maybe she collects, uh, cartoon pigs (okay, something better than that, but the same kind of idea).
The only other little thing I want to flag up is regarding your main character actually. She doesn't really... stand out at all. In fact, I've only now remembered her name (Evelyn, right?), which kind of amplifies that. At the moment she's just a girl who's miserable in her life. Nothing about her makes her especially interesting, and while I do feel a little bad for her and her situation, I can't say I properly empathise with her at all. Maybe you could show us more of her thoughts so that we get a taste of the kind of person she is. Not necessarily direct thoughts because this is a third person story, of course, but just more insights into her head and what she's feeling.
A great way you could do this actually is via the journal entry. Through that entry, show us the kind of person she is. The way in which she writes is very important because it gives us readers a direct chance to know how Evelyn thinks, how she feels, and even how she speaks (people are likely to write similarly to the way they speak). Maybe you could make the journal entry longer and a bit more detailed. I think that would definitely benefit the story.
Negatives aside, I did find this very interesting. I'd like to know Evelyn better and be able to differentiate between this story and others more clearly, but I can definitely see loads of potential. If you have any questions or comments regarding this review, please just let me know via a private message, replying to this review, popping up to me on chat, or just by dropping a post on my wall. I'll get back to you as soon as possible!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Beautiful!
Your descriptions are wonderful:
"On the roof stood a chimney, black smoke leaking through its dusty jaws and disapated into the finally fresh air that engulfed it."
You also set a great mood for the story with the dreary, dark setting. Evelyn isn't completely a damsel-in-distress because she saves money and works, which I think is great. Also, her realistic, honest diary entries make her a more likable character. I'd like to see a motive for why Evelyn's family treats her so terribly. Except for the few grammatical errors that Birkhoff pointed out, your story is practically perfect!
Hey Dreamy!

Here to do a dreamy review...well, I'm officially out of puns.
Alright, on to the review.
First off, you seem to have an issue going on with the text formatting. That might be a YWS issue as I see your other work is good. But aside from this, your story is really great.
This is quite evident to me, because I really care about this little girl. Your main character is given a really sad and fleshed out backstory. As of now though, I care for her only because of the horrible treatment she's getting. This could be considered quite cheap at times, seeing as you are bound to care for innocents under unfair treatment. I'm just saying that so far, she doesn't have too many distinguishable characteristics or traits that connect the reader to her. Just pity.
But you justify this by your good description of her as well as her actions.
Your writing style is good, move the story along at a nice pace and I didn't find too many grammatical errors.
I do have some issues though. Namely some questions:
Is the father Darth Vader?
Yeah, this guy seems evil. In fact, the entire family are jerks! This was a bit of a problem for me. I didn't buy them being this evil and resenting her so much. Her parents died, the uncle's brother was one of them and this was just a 6 year old girl. At that age, I'm unsure if resentment would rise. (Again, unless it was the Vader family).
This brings me to my next question: How old is the girl?
I would have made this a bit more clear. I couldn't visualize the girl because there little to no descriptions of her, only her actions and thoughts. At the end of the story there is a pointer to it though, but it's a bit discrete.
Seeing as she started running away during the last 3 years, I guess things seemed to be fine for around 4 years before things took a turn for the worse? Maybe it's not just the family which is the problem then. This is good; a bit of underlying character.
That was my only story comments, now I'll just finish it with what grammatical errors I found.
Not any grammar problems here. But I just realized this was never mentioned or spoke of again. What horrors? Do you just mean the horrors of a young girl alone at night?
edit
edit
I'll only use one example here, but you use commas a bit too much here and there. Here for instance, there is an unneeded comma.
Other than these few errors, that was it. Well done!
As I said, I really care for this character already. I want to see what happens to her. When and if you do continue this story, just poke me.
Cheers
Birkhoff