A Gift with a Curse

by Dreamer

Published November 5, 2015

16+ Language Violence

In The Gift with a Curse

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

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Chapter 1

I groaned as once again, Toby's huge frame got tangled in the thick, prickly bushes. He looked up at me sheepishly.

"We all can't be small and agile as you, Av." He said, making me scowl. Even when he is stuck, he can't help but poke at the size I am.

"Fine, I guess you don't need my help. I'll just leave and go home." I said, raising my eyebrows and throwing my hands up in mock defeat.

"Wait! You know I didn't mean it Avalon, I promise I'll never make fun of you again."

I rolled my eyes but smiled. These conversations are always never true of course. Within the next five minutes after I get him out, he will be making fun of me again. I took hold of his shirt and yanked him out of the bushes. Despite my small size, I was blessed with strength in this small body. Toby brushed off his frame and turned to grin at me. I could not help but grin back. 

That's how Toby makes you feel. Giddy and happy inside. It's just his aura that makes you feel comfortable. But he is a total package, from my sisters reference. Bright blue eyes, six feet, brown hair styled nicely. He is quite wealthy, yet it doesn't go into his head. Athletic with strong muscles and a face so handsome, well... Even a murderer would spare him. 

Toby Aaron McHeath. 

Number one boy sought in our school and yet, he is here with me. Why? Cause I made him; and it's because he happens to be my best friend. I just happen to be another face in the crowd, with a best friend. That's it. Nothing special. A plain Jane. I prefer it that way. I can walk down the hall and no one would know if I am here or gone. I can hiding from the opinionated crowd, who has a ridiculous opinion on your mother's father's dog. My sister on the other hand, is the one who upholds all standard in high school. She is the one you wanted to be. She decided what was in, and what was out. Toby was very 'in', and I was very out.

"Av."

It's strange to think Toby and I were even friends, let alone best friends. We are dual opposites. He thinks getting drunk off his ass is the time of his life. My view of a fun time was sitting at home. Nothing else. Just sitting.

"Ava."

Drawing is cool too. You let your hand run along the page, and you create an image. You can express anger, or sadness. Precise or loose. You discover more about yourself, as a person. It's great.

"Avalon short-stack Roland!" A pair of hands shook me aggressively from behind.

"WHAT IN THE GOD'S NAME DO YOU WANT?" Whipping around, looking up at Toby. He had an apologetic look on his face, hands up in surrender.

"I was just wondering why we were out here, until you got lost in your thoughts again." He mumbled, casting his eyes down to the ground. Now I feel bad. I walked towards him, arms out for an apologetic hug. Suddenly, I was on the ground with a extremely heavy weight sitting on my torso. The bastard tackled me!

"YOU'RE KILLING ME! GET OFF!" I gasped out between painful breaths, painfully.

"Not until I get apology." He says, crossing his arms and pouting.

"I'm sorry! Now get off!"

There was a small pause from him. "And I get a kiss."

"Not happening. No."

"Yes."

"NO. GET OFF."

"A kiss from the Princess will make this go away."

"I am not a Princess!" 

"You are very high maintenance, Av."

"Fine." I sighed. "Hop off first would ya?"

He happily rolls off, and I take a deep well-needed gasp of air. I lay there for a few moments, 'til blue eyes popped into my vision.

"Oi! I was looking at the stars, 'til you ruined it!" I exclaimed.

"Kissy kiss for Toby!" He made a fish face, crossing his eyes while doing so. I got up slowly, my ribs slightly sore. Once I was standing, I faced Toby. He smirked at me. He moved to close the very little space between us, looking straight down at me. I look up reluctantly, pouting slightly. He moved his head down, eyes closing.

Here's my chance!

I hooked my foot to the back of his heel, and pushed. He hit the ground harsh, wheezing as the breath was knocked out of him. He was back on his feet in a flash and began to chase me. I ran through back through the thorns we came though, the sound of our laughter heard by each other. 

Comments & reviews · 3
SuperAnimalCrossing wrote a review Review · Nov 5, 2015

Hello! it's a me, and I'm going to review this work! Let's a go!
Overall, this was a very nice work. I had a good flow to it, which I liked. I also really liked how you estabalished the realtiionship between Avalon and Toby. It also seems to me like the realitionship is a place where it cold progress either towards love or hate.
There wasn't any grammar related issues I could find, so that's good. The only thing I saw that irked me was that in this scentence:
"Kiss kiss for Toby."
I feel like there should be an exclamation point rather than a period, and maybe a comma in between the two "kiss"es.
Other than that, this is so far a pretty good story and I'm interested to see where it's heading!
I'm signing off with a fabulouso rating of 9/10 for "A Gift With a Curse" chapter 1!

Dreamer replied · Nov 6, 2015

hey Super Animal Crossing!
I looked at your comment and realized you were right! I'm so glad you caught it, it completely went over my head. I hope the new change is okay! Thanks for the review!

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Dreamer Comment
Dreamer commented Comment · Nov 5, 2015

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GoldFlame
Review
GoldFlame wrote a review Review · Nov 10, 2013

Hello, Flame here to review your work...

First off, welcome to YWS! I joined relatively recently, but I've really enjoyed myself here, and I hope that you do, too!

I'm relieved that your grammar was great, as having also joined the grammar police, but there are a few spots that shout for commas--mistakes, I'm sure, that can be fixed by rereading the piece, but I'll remind you to insert the annoying things before names when addressing people, and after dialogue instead of a period (when a speaker's tag exists). I just have a few other nitpicks...

The chapter was short, and I was disappointed at the end because I wanted to read more :D! I was also confused about why your piece was in italics...a prologue? A memory? Maybe clear that up?

And really quick, in this sentence, "Bright blue eyes, 6'5, the brown hair swept to the side that make girls melt":

1) Try not to use numbers in formal writing, unless it's a date. You can just say "six foot five."
2) The last phrase is awkwardly worded. Maybe consider: "...brown hair swept to the side in such a way that made girls melt." Although that may prove too lengthy. The best decision could be omitting the "that make girls melt" part.

In the remaining sentences (because you can't shake off grammar police), trade the comma for an ellipse in "a face so handsome, well...", push the comma in "school and yet," to before "and yet", and add an apostrophe before "cause."

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know that I focused primarily on mechanics, but you might be surprised what a little editing can do. I'll be waiting for more to come; I am loving it so far! :D

~Flame

Dreamer replied · Nov 5, 2015

:/// So its been two years since I check up on this website, and just noticed you commented. I think I had made most of the correct changes. Thanks for reading and giving me the advice!

Haha, no problem! I just reread the chapter and it really ensnared my interest--I love the dialogue, especially. And the revisions look wonderful~

Ping me if you post more!



I will call them my people, which were not my people; and her beloved, which was not beloved.
— Romans 9:25