Published January 19, 2010
A part of me says it was all a joke
The things that he spoke
It was never real
Not a big deal
He wasn't the one
It's time you should move on
You'll find someone you adore
And he'll treat you worth more.
But Another Part of Me.
The Larger One
The Truthful One.
Believes that he truly did love you
That's something you always knew
But you're not the only one in the world.
There are worthier girls
Ones that will treat him right
And dream about him all night
But you will still suffer and cry
And do your best to at least try
To get over him
Even though those chances are dim
He made you smile
And that was worth while
You'll dream about him every single night
You'll keep the memories close and tight.
This Part of me.
Most Of Me.
Knows it's true
That I've always believed in you.
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139,596 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
The grammar has to be the thing the threw me off the most. I couldn't manage to get much of a feel of the poem because of the choppiness of the language and punctuation errors. The flow was alright, but in some parts made it extremely diffiult to follow the ideas. Also, the topic seemed to go all around the place; I personally prefer poems that stick to one subject and one view at a time.
On the other side, I feel you have a lot of potential as a writer. Keep working on your flow and rhythm and you'll make a great poet.
I thought this was sweet, truly. I think that most everyone(even men, tehe) feels like this over somebody, sometime. You captured the uncertainty, the back and forth thoughts rather well.
Now, I know what you're trying to say, but it seems like its missing something from that bottom line.The only thing I would say that needs work on, is just simply reading it over a few times and making sure you didn't leave any words out.
Other than that, I really liked the rough rhyming, how it didn't exactly flow perfectly, but still flowed rather nicely. It really caught my interest and my attention.
Hullo!
I decent start, I believe. I think the theme's a little overused in a sense that love poems are so, so, so common and tend to not give us much of anything new, so that makes them hard to appreciate unless you can shoot for the moon and give us better images and ideas to work our heads around, dear.
Nonetheless, your writing's okay -- I'm not sure I like the interjection of "A part of me/ the larger part" and the likes into this poem, because they're sending the my mind is saying no/heart's saying yes message, and that rubs off as cliche in more ways than one, so! I think instead of pushing this forward on the same themes and ideas, introduce some new ones, make this exciting, and tell us a love story in ways that others have not done so often. I know you can.
June
ah, young love...
anyways, i like your style, that is ut is staright forward ad does not beat around the bush. althoguh you could polish it a little more. The technicals of lyric poetry would be not tackled here since you are only thirtee, but i think you do have hte making of a great lyric poet... i could say that with more training and basically the fundamentals of poetry, you would surely become a laureate yourself. anyways, i like the way you evoke your emotions
and i like the use of allegory "the lager one, the truthful one". that is a good use of a tool. allegory is a tool in poems, it could make your poems appeal more if use in good effects and you have successfully done it here.
however, the shifting of perspectives "first person-second person" is quite bit off. perhaps you could edit this a bit and decide whether you would want to say this is 1st or 2nd perspective, oks? but really all in all this is one good piece of literature.
nice one kiddo, just remember, you are too young to dwell too much on that aspect, you'll get to know a lot more people and just enjoy, i should say... =)
My friend, you have to make some reviews. It's site policy to review others' works before you post.
Anyway, I'll try to help out with this one. This was very confusing.
You begin this poem speaking in the 1st person and then you shift to 2nd person. You narrate first as 'I' and then suddenly you use 'you.' Looking back on it, I realized that the first part where you shift to second person you're actually talking to yourself. It'll really help if you italicized that part or put it in quotation marks. The second part where you used 'you' was just out of the blue. Stick to one pronoun, you are either 'I' or use you.
Next, the rhyme scheme was conceivable but useless. Rhymes are used to enhance the flow of the poem or to create an effect. Here, it was only for the sake of making this thing rhyme. If it's not going to help the poem, don't rhyme. Use words that really fit what you want to achieve. And if you do rhyme, read it aloud to yourself and hear your own poem if it sounds alright.
I think this will do better if you made this into a prose piece instead of a poem.
Hi! I'm Erin
I really did enjoy this, i liked the flow and the rhythme. There was only two things that stood out to me, and that was when you said, "Yo" it doesnt seem to fit right, you didnt use street dialect until that moment and it just seems out of place. Perhaps you should put, you'll. Then, the second one was when you had said,"or" i think you meant "our"
Other than that i really like how this told a story.