Published May 12, 2008
Sorry...
I'm editing it so I can change the names, the storyline...etc...
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140,133 Literary Works • 673,031 Reviews
Should be 'You're all late'.
You should really write in paragraphs, especially when characters start speaking. Not only does that apply as a grammatical rule, it makes the story so much easier to read. Also, though I'm a lover of commas, maybe you should cut one or two out and replace them with full stops. It'll make for shorter sentences and, again, make it easier to read.
I think you should introduce the characters slowly, instead listing them and telling them what they look like - show, don't tell.
I did like the story though, and would like to see more, this time with paragraphing.
Dream-Writer,
Hello, and (a little late) welcome to the site. However, there is one thing that I really must say before continuing with your critique - at YWS, to post you own work, you must write two reviews of others’ work. We all want to have out work read and reviewed, no? It work both ways, though. Onward with yours (review), then (finally? But do get rid of that zero).
The first paragraph (prologue) - exactly. It’s one paragraph. One chunk of a paragraph, I might add. I’d split that up, and clear it out a bit. If one character says something, don’t make another say his reply in the same line. Press “enter”. Rarely do we find everything squeezed into one paragraph in book, novels, short stories, no? So, split that up and it will look better not only visually. (this goes to the other paragraphs, too, but no 1 was first).
Next on, punctuation. More or less it’s okay in your story, but there are just too many commas. Perhaps check out some articles on dialogue punctuation, ones that can be found here on YWS, and clean that up. I’m a comma fanatic myself : )
Basically, what I want is the commas to be cleaned up (sentences shortened - and this is Esme speaking, whose sentences are a disaster sometimes, at least length-wise, so heed). I want the paragraphs split, with each reply or statement coming from a different character in a new line. Your tags were fine, though perhaps add a bit more description - to make up for the sudden splitting.
The cast, down below. I’m not entirely sure why you put it there. It seems unnecessary. Some of the listed didn’t even participate in the story, and to me, it’s an info dump. And info dumps are to be avoided at all costs. I’d cut that out. Though I do like the names : )
Oh, and it’s always better to double-check, really, if only to cut the editing later on, heh. You seem to have a very interesting story here, with a lot of potential. The storyline seems very interesting - will you continue this? Remember about the reviews, and thanks for posting!
Esme
yeah another thing with me is that I don't doublecheck my work like I should sorry
This is pretty good except you forgot about the basics of dialogue. Each time a new person/animal/thing talks you are supposed to start a new paragraph.
Example:
You should start new paragraphs when a new being in your prologue and chapter speak. Also, you've forgotten another thing with dialogue. After someone talks you have to put some sort of punctuation mark before the end quotation mark and the tag.
* is the dialogue
* some sort of punctuation mark should go here, whether it is a comma, an exclamation mark, a question mark, etc.
* is the tag. Examples of tags are: said, squealed, yelped, asked, etc.
So basically I'm saying you should try and incorporate those two things I mentioned in your writing. I'll do a little bit as an example so you can get more of the gist.
Oh, and one quick thing. That first sentence (quoted above) is way too long. It's a run-on sentence. Either condense it or split it. The reader will get bored and lost if you put too many words and ideas into one sentence.
This isn't a bad start, like I said. You have good ideas but you need to know the format for writing.
Overall, work on
> fixing run-on sentences
> starting new paragraphs when a new person/animal/thing speaks (or when a new idea or subject appears)
> adding punctuation before the end quote
Hope this helps.
- Summerless <3~
I like it. You used some of the names from Warriors. ex. Mudfur, Redtail. But you added two suffex (dog and pup). That was good. Also There was lots of good detail. It would have been easier to read if there was paragraph breaks. Keep writing. I must know what happens next!