Published August 12, 2010
Hey 
this is one of my old story that i have been working on , some of you may have already ready my intro, and gave me some feedback, i when an tried to fix all the misspelling and punctuations, if you see any please feel free to let me know ,
"Here we go again” Crystal Exclaimed while glancing over at the clock on her night stand .Taking a deep breath, she stared up at the ceiling, only to be looking back at herself ,ugh, “I hate that thing“, She was determined to make Daniel take it down one day. She didn’t know what she had been thinking when she agreed to let him put it up there in the first place. Easing herself upon one of her overlarge pillows, she searched for the remote control through her cluttered bed of covers, books and paperwork that was no were near being done, finally locating it under the pillow she was sleeping on the night before. “Ugh….Why didn’t I look there first?
turning on the TV she scanned through the channels until she found the Fox 8 News, hoping she could catch a gleam of Mr. barker before it was time for her to get ready to go. Seeing him standing there in his Joseph & Feiss Navy trio Suit was all she needed to send her mind sparing in to another dimension. If only I could… detecting the sound of her ring tone from her Blackberry playing Nicki Minaj Baddest Bitch pulled her forces away from her next statement. She let out an impatient sigh as she grabbed her phone off the night stand. She took a quick glance at the name on the screen and pressed the answer button.
“, Hello. You're up!" She laughed at the sound of [b]Imani's voice which seem to go up a octave.
"Yeah, I'm up! What’s up?
"You won't believe what I saw last night."
Usually [b]she would be in the mood for one of Imani's rampage stories, but not this morning. At least not this early. Rolling her eyes she flopped back on her pillow.
"Girl! Tell me why Deiondre man was caught coming out of Kourtney house last night at exactly 11:05."
"Huh?"
"I know girl, I could not believe it either, they seem like the perfect couple, but there he was just like Jayla had said he would be."
"Wait, “wait” ya’ll was spying on him why?"
"First of all wasn't nobody spying on him, I was over there to pick up Chris from his mama’s house to take him to his sister's house to get his hair done and to try to pick me up a Mary Jane while I was over there Okay?"
"I don’t know why your still messing with that boy! see there you go again, ain't nobody messing with nobody!"
"I am a happily married woman Imani," she just loved to throw that up in people’s faces, "I don’t need to mess around, my man gives me plenty! so don’t worry about it.”
"Trust me I ain't, that's your ass on the line not mine. You know if Jelani finds out you still smoking and hanging with them ghetto ass people you call your "friends" he’ll-"
"He ain't gonna do shit so let’s not even go there."
“Right… whatever you say. Hold on I'm getting a beep. Mhm, speak of the devil, let me call you back. Bye girl."
"Bye!" Hanging up the phone Crystal tossed it across the bed. What now?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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141,733 Literary Works • 675,641 Reviews
Hey thank you for reviewing my story . i really appreciate it, i did not mine you pointing out all the errors in my story, that is the reason why i put it on here ,i take it as a learning experience, please feel free to review any of the story's i post.
Hey Drama, Gsp here! I'll be reviewing you today.
A warning; I tend to tear things to shreds and point out the tiniest of errors. I'm only trying to help, honest. Please don't get mad at me. (I put this in to prevent the possibility of angry PMs).
By no means do you have to follow my advice. It is, after all, only advice, and can be ignored if you so wish.
With that said, ON TO THE REVIEW!
... Yikes. Okay, for one thing, when someone's speaking it needs to be in quotes. i,e; is correct, while is not. You follow me? Okay, good. I'm going to re-write this paragraph the way I would do it below, simply because I don't feel like pointing everything out. I'll embolden everything I've edited.
Cleaned up it looks much better. See?
When you start a new paragraph, the first letter of it must be capitalized. Other than that, the first sentence is good.
If, when you read your story out loud, there's a slight pause in the sentence, add a comma.
Also, you swung a bit from past-tense to present-tense but that's an easy fix.
Again, I will re-write it the way I would write it, emboldening what I've changed.
Okay... I don't understand why you put "hmmm mmm,mmm" in there. It's rather vulgar and distracts from the work.
Thoughts should always be italicized. Again, rewrite below.
... Meep.
Again, YOU MUST HAVE QUOTATION MARKS.
Please start another paragraph when someone else starts talking. Not doing so will only end in confusion. Rewrite below.
Okay. First off, this doesn't seem like it fits in romance, at least not yet.
Overall; your grammar needs work, as does your punctuation. Also, watch out for those "Mmm"s and "uhhh"s. They're vulgar and make a nice work look really bad.
Also, you swung between past and present-tense and first and third person. I'd fix this if I were you.
Re-write this a few times and you should have a decent piece.
If you need help with anything, feel free to ask anyone, most people are happy to help.
You could even ask me, if you want. xP
With that said, keep writing, and have a good day.
Happy YWSing!
~Gsp
Okay, capitalize. The first letter of every sentence should be capitalized, as should be proper nouns (including people's names and places, TV stations, etc.)
The grammar in this is atrocious. Why didn't you use quotation marks? The periods are all in the wrong place, you're missing commas, and the spaces between words and punctuation are just... ech.
Here's a correctly written example of your story:
The character's thoughts should be in italics. Whenever a character speaks outright, there should be quotation marks, proper punctuation, and a correctly written dialogue tag (although it is not always necessary.
I suggest reading up a bit on grammar before writing anymore. I'm sorry to seem harsh, but there are basics you need to get down before writing.