Aranel felt her heart quicken and she stopped. A barrier a few yards behind kept back a long line of other elven children and their parents. They watched her now, half intrigued, half wishing her failure. A comforting hand on Aranel’s shoulder broke her sudden paralysis. Aranel looked up at her brother, Handir, and smiled. Her heart calmed, she took a deep breath and focused on the sky blue dragon egg before her. On the other side of the pedestal stood Dylion, the senior Dragon Knight. His deep blue robes and silvering hair blew softly in the breeze. He nodded encouragingly and his amber toned eyes were lit with friendliness.
Aranel stretched out her hand to the egg. Would it choose her? She wasn't sure anymore. She took a step forward before shrinking back and clutching Handir's arm. “I can’t do it,” She whispered. The fear was back; every stomach clenching, heart freezing drop of it.
Handir leaned down slightly, "Hey, it's okay, even if it doesn't choose you. But I think you have a good chance. You are descended from many Dragon Knights and family lines play a part in this. You have as good a chance as any."
Aranel shook her head, heedless of the staring eyes. "But what if it doesn't choose me?"
"Then others will get a chance. If it’s an apprenticeship you’re worried about, Wynter has already extended an invitation to join the knights. Your apprenticeship is secure."
Aranel chewed her lip and put out her hand to the egg. “I know, but…” She froze and yanked it back, clutching her fist tightly. She closed her eyes. When she opened them again, they were wet with tears. “I can’t. I keep trying, but I can’t. Let’s just go.” Aranel made to leave, but tugged to a halt as Handir gripped her hand.
The crowd murmured as they watched. The rest of the kingdom was in festival. Children traversed, laughing and trying out for apprenticeships; music was played from every corner by minstrels in stunning yellow and green robes; and the scents of baked goods and savory dishes wafted temptingly through the clear evening air. Here, however, the tension was silent and high. The chance to be chosen as a dragon knight only came once every 50 to 75 years.
Handir pulled Aranel away from the staring faces and looked her in the eyes. “Look, Ari. This has been your dream practically since you could stand. You are not throwing this away. If you can’t move your hand, I’ll help you.”
Aranel looked down at her hands and slowly nodded. “Please.”
Handir smiled and gently took her hand. Then, together, they reached out to the shimmery surface of the dragon egg.
Aranel took a deep breath as she spread her palm against the cool surface. It was such a contrast to the warm, comforting touch of Handir’s hand above hers. Already she could feel the life flickering within the egg and so she waited. If the dragon chose her, she would sense it in her mind and it would tell her its name. Then she would respond with hers and the bond would be complete. She held her breath. How would the connection feel? Would the voice sound like a child? Would it sound like a thought, the way her own thoughts sounded in her head, without noise, but still clear? Her hand was only on the egg for a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity. Finally, she retracted her hand with an empty sigh. She felt nothing.
Aranel turned away, the reality not quite set in, then stopped and looked back. Handir was motionless, his hand barely brushing against the egg. His face paused in a mixture of confusion, shock, and dread.
"Are you alright, my lord?" Dylion asked and stepped toward the Prince.
"Sea-Silver," Handir gasped.
"What?" The ageing Dragon Knight frowned, then his eyes widened. "My prince! Make haste and tell it your name!"
Handir's face paled and he spoke quickly. “Handir Zelphyn Darran.”
Aranel stared on in confusion as Handir stepped back and stared at the egg in wonder.
Dylion smiled and motioned for another dragon knight with long red hair to come forward.
Celestine nodded to her elder and stepped toward the crowd, “On behalf of all the Dragon Knights, we thank you for coming on this fine Apprentice Day. Many of you have waited a long time for this and I regret to inform you that you must move on. The dragon has chosen its rider.”
There was a loud mumbling and quiet groaning as the other elves dispersed. It was always a risk to try for a Dragon Knight. The chances were so small and the line so long.
Celestine grinned and turned back to Dylion. “How was that? Sound aristocracy enough?”
Dylion laughed and shook his head before turning back to the Prince and Princess, addressing them over the unhappy babble. "Congratulations Prince Handir, your father will be pleased."
"But today isn't his apprentice day!" Aranel found herself exclaiming as the noise melded with that of the normal city street. "How could it have chosen him?”
Dylion shrugged, "The art of dragons and the manner in which Dragon Knights are chosen is never certain. Dragons and Stars do not obey the customs that we have set. I have seen dragon knights chosen young, and now I have seen one much older. I am sorry that you were not chosen Princess, but it is difficult to say what the future may hold."
Aranel looked down and shrugged. Her mouth formed a hard line, but she turned away to hide it.
To the side, Handir still looking stunned. When he finally shook himself out of his stupor, he bowed respectfully to Dylion and took Aranel's hand. "Come, it's getting late. Would you like to tell Sir Wynter that you're accepting his offer?"
Aranel bowed to Dylion as well and shrugged. "I’ll send him a message later." She was going to be a knight. That was something wasn’t it? A tear trailed down her cheek. No, she couldn’t even think about that. She wiped away the tear, trying to make it look like she was sleepy.
Handir nodded. “Alright."
The pair lapsed into silence as they walked through the streets and dwindling crowds. The sun was setting and most of the elves would have found an apprenticeship at that point. Apprentice Day would continue till tomorrow, but everyone knew the best apprenticeships were taken on the first day. Handir kept clearing his throat, as if to start a conversation, but he cut off each time without a word. Eventually they reached the castle and parted ways.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there DragonWriter22,
I think here it would be good to insert a brief (maybe three sentence-ish) narration that says something like, "Aranel knew she could trust Handir, and she was grateful that he was here today. Ever since their mom had died when she was just a baby, he had helped to raise her and supported her through everything. She had a very special relationship with him, and without his help she wouldn't even be here." Obviously, it could be worded a lot better than that, but that's just something to help get you started.MJ here for a quick little review. I love fantasy and all things fantastical and fantastic, and your work fits that description. However, there were some sections I think that could be fantastically improved to show off your fantastic abilities
Overall, I thought this piece was enjoyable but not really as strong as it could be. The emotions weren't really as moving as they could have been with a little bit more information about the characters, and it felt like each scene where there was supposed to be a short buildup and climax wasn't as long as it could be. Allow me to point out some specific examples of this:
How is Aranel feeling? Is she still nervous, or is she relieved/calm/anticipative/relaxed? How is Handir feeling? Is he just putting on a brave face, or is he actually confident in Aranel's abilities to be a Dragonkeeper?
Again, a bit more in-depth detail about Aranel's exact emotions would help out here. For example, was she jealous? Was she glad that Handir got this opportunity? Is she angry that she wasn't chosen? That single tear doesn't tell us all we need to know here.
On a separate note, some of the sentences felt like they didn't quite fit and the way they were worded didn't communicate the idea you were trying to express very well. Here's an example:
Here, risk implies danger. From my understanding of what you stated in the other text, it wasn't dangerous, just unlikely. Maybe a better word here would be uncertainty?
And as a final note, Handir's character seemed very different in the last paragraph. He was previously a reassuring big brother, and now he seems like almost a totally different person. He lost most of his gentleness here and was instead abrupt and blunt, almost to the point of curtness.
Overall, I loved this short story. It had a very interesting plot twist that still fit in well with the story but set it apart from some other fantasy stories and gave it a different story so it wasn't as predictable. I also loved the characters' personalities and thought they were very believable and well-executed. Besides the points I mentioned here, it was a strongly written piece and I look forward to seeing the part two!
Best wishes,
MJ
Thank you for the review.
I liked this a lot more than I was expecting to. You did a decent job of introducing the audience to the world; not through large chunks of info-dumps, but by picking a single event important not only to the world, but to the characters, and letting all the little details slip through as the event unfolds. I also quite liked the major misdirection you gave midway through the chapter. You lead us to expect that despite all odds, Aranel will be chosen...and then you not only prove her worst fears right; you add another element to complicate matters by making her brother be the chosen one. It not only subverts reader expectations, it sets up a major conflict to be dealt with later on, presumably. It gives the character an obstacle to face.
Now for the meat of the review. I will start out with this one little nitpick; you gave the royal characters the surname of "Royalla"
"Royalla"
Personally, I think it was a bit too on the nose and kind of cheesy to be honest. It's such a minor thing to get a bit ruffled over, but it's still something I felt like I should point out. The only other nitpick I have is this slight grammatical error;
Otherwise, I thought this served very well as an introduction.
Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for the review! XD yeah, I started planning this story when I was fairly young so there are a few cheesy things I need to sort out.
Hi there DragonWriter! I'm here to give a short review.
First and foremost, I saw absolutely zero spelling/grammar errors. Check that off. Second, you're making me go deeper and find something to review about this.
My first impression was a good one. Dragons, knights, etc etc. Very interesting for a fantasy liker (not quite lover) like me. It was a short chapter, but word count is irrelevant to whether or not it is a good chapter. It was. Let me say, I totally did not expect Handir to bond with the dragon there. I literally said: "What?" out loud. There's another positive, the surprise factor. You drew me in, something essential to a first chapter. Good books do that, and unfortunately there are some out there that star off so slow it discourages people. This did no such thing. There was also a magical air about this, and it gave a brief overview of the customs and traditions of these people. It wasn't "telly" (where it just plain out tells a portion of the story and doesn't intertwine it with the character's dialogue and storyline). You left us wanting more. That is the key to every chapter, especially the first.
Next. I would have liked to see a little more description here, but you did really well with what you did. Again, don't be insane with the description, do just enough. A little adverb/adjective here and there, or an extra sentence describing something. This is something I actually need to work on myself. Emphasize a bit more on what the characters are feeling. One side thing, it seemed like you switched to the brother's point of view for a second there when you were originally writing from the sister's point of view. Not too big of a problem, it was hardly noticeable.
Other than good job and keep up the dragon quest, there's nothing else I can think to say. Great chapter, great story.
Sincerely,
~Chie.
Thank you so much for the review! I enjoyed hearing your feedback. Where did you notice the perspective change, by the way? That was unintentional and I'd like to fix it.
hold on...I may have been mistaken on that.
Ok I misread something. Whoops, you're perfect here. My bad.