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The Bard Prologue

by DragonNoir


Prologue:

Dearest Lirienne,

-

My life is absolutely full of things.

Every corner with what success brings,

Every space is filled with laughs and tears.

-

Tell the unwise, dumb me,

Am I the fortunate, or unlucky?

Tell me, before I am truly blinded.

-

Open the doors of love before me,

Pure white light enfolding around me.

Please leave me there, so I never return.

-

I hide my withering heart, fruit it’ll never bare

No mere mortal has ever witnessed what’s there.

It’ll be best left that way, otherwise it’ll bring anguish.

-

Up in the mountains, like a dragon, I’ll hide.

My many ideals and my destiny will collide.

-

From your loving sister,

Veronica

Author's Note: Yeah, I decided to cheat a bit. Instead of writing Chapter 10 of Ice Queen, I decided to write this. It's still awesome though... right? Anyways, thank you for reading this and I hope you enjoyed it! I'll send a present and/or review two pieces for the first person to decipher the message in this. Good luck! :D


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1080 Reviews


Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

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Sun Sep 24, 2017 9:43 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



Hi there DragonNoir. This is Kays here delving in for a review on a Sunday evening attempting to squeeze a couple more reviews in for Review Week before I'm potentially swallowed up by school this week. With that being said, let's cut to the chase and begin, shall we?

I found the set-up and structure of this piece to be quite interesting. A poem written to a person that's in the form of a prologue--that seems to be a nice way to make a prologue optional reading and not the most important in the world! That's one of the highest points that I found about this poem that I assume will relate to the novel but won't be absolutely essential. Seeing in the Author's Note that there's a message to decipher in here and because of that I'm refusing to read the review below because I don't want to copy off of other people even though I have little clue as to what this message is or why the message is important.

That's mostly because I don't know what to look for? The structure of this is a little confusing--does the message only work when this is in the form of a poem? I mean, the fact that this is a poem fits because the title of this is 'The Bard' but I don't know why you'd have the opening and closing akin to a letter in a poem. This feels like a mix between the two and to be honest the reader is less confused when one is picked. Furthermore, the structure of the body of this or the poem is a little off-putting towards the end? Why in the last stanza is there only two lines? Is that significant or only a mistake?

From what I can gather, Veronica is the sister of Lirienne and Veronica may be immortal which is pointed to in a way by the second to last stanza specifically because of the phrase 'no mere mortal'? My favorite stanza is the one I just mentioned and the last one that's two lines long although the flow of the piece is off a beat almost the whole time and I'm in the belief that this is due to the diction and punctuation since both of those dictate flow. Read this aloud to get a better feel for that and work out the chinks in the armor--not only that, there's also a rather sporadic rhyme scheme in the piece that also does this.

In the first stanza we're given a rhyme of AAB and the rhyme doesn't come back until the last two stanzas and there we see it's CCD and EE. If you're going to rhyme, be consistent. Overall while I'm interested by this, I did want this to be less vague and focusing on clarity in the revisions and edits can help this as well as making the flow stronger and the message that needs deciphering a bit more obvious to the audience because at least in my case I couldn't figure that out.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Sun Sep 24, 2017 7:49 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Heyo, Dragon! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

You started ANOTHER project. Good for you. I shouldn't really judge though, I'm working on 10 projects at the same time :wink:

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = random Kara comments.

Spoiler! :
Dearest Lirienne, {You chose a name that means "read aloud" as your name? That's great :P}

-

My life is absolutely full of things.

Every corner with what success brings,

Every space is filled with laughs and tears. {In this stanza and in the others, you don't rhyme the last line. I would change this, as it messes with flow}

-

Tell the unwise, dumb me, {Say what now? This line doesn't make sense.}

Am I the fortunate, or unlucky?

Tell me, before I am truly blinded.

-

Open the doors of love before me,

Pure white light enfolding around me. {Never EVER rhyme using the same word.}

I hide my withering heart, fruit it’ll never bare

No mere mortal has ever witnessed what’s there. {You made this longer than the general stanzas you put into the poem. Five lines vs 3. I'd recommend you'd change this.}

It’ll be best left that way, otherwise it’ll bring anguish.

-

Up in the mountains, like a dragon, I’ll hide. {Don't use "like a dragon." Sometimes dragons can be very bold :3}

My many ideals and my destiny will collide.

{Add another line here to keep the flow}

-

From your loving sister,

Veronica vERONICA OPEN THE DOOR i said vERONICA OPEN THE DOOR


This is pretty good, but I don't GET it. I mean, I get that it's a letter to someone, but I don't think that this being a poem and the poem itself FITS with the letter. I would probably redo this, if I'm being honest. Not your BEST work, I'd say.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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DragonNoir says...


Thanks for the feedback! Yeah... I'll admit I'm not the best with poems, but at least I tried... Also, I don't what you're seeing there because I saw the "I hide my withering heart, fruit it%u2019ll never bare" part as a separate stanza of three lines. Additionally, you missed one of the lines, the one that says "Please leave me there, so I never return".

I'm really sorry for the errors and I'll make sure I improve for the future.

As for the letter and its message... I'll give you a little clue, but if you manage to get the message, I'll only allow myself to do one review for you. Here it is: Actorsic. Yep, it's an anagram! You lucky being, I just gave you two clues :D

Once more, thanks for the feedback and take my soul by all means! :D



DragonNoir says...


*"I hide my withering heart, fruit it'll never bare"



zaminami says...


I... um... copied and pasted the poem...



DragonNoir says...


For me, the poem itself shows up differently to what you've put in the review.



zaminami says...


That's weird




An Angel who did not so much Fall as Saunter Vaguely Downwards.
— Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Good Omens