z

Young Writers Society


12+

Are you Real?

by Dragon99


You wake up, your routine goes around, walking, working, watching, laughing, crying, talking, and then you fall into that silent abyss called your dreams, your nightmares. And then you awaken. It's a neverending cycle, isn't it? At least, until fate holds out its cold, skeletal hands and drags you to hell, but for everyone, on earth and all around, death comes easy.

Because you never lived.

But I did. And imagine how nice it would feel to be awoken by a voice, coming from the one that birthed and raised you, hearing her soft, sweet voice replaced by one of lifelessness and sorrow. Speaking of a lifeless planet. A great tragedy. And soon nothing. My mother stared at me, and she began to weep. I reached up to wipe away the tears, to wipe away this great fear, but what I pulled away were pieces of her flesh. Flesh that had turned fiery and liquified from my touch. Her eyes rolled out of their sockets, and I realized that she was not crying, but it was her flesh that was dripping.

A loud explosion distorted my startled mind. It felt as if a large hand had begun smashing into the house like a 5-year old with a lego structure. My mind screamed at me to run, run from this new danger, but my logic knew that this was something out of my control, and so I walked, and as I walked from my house, I turned once more to watch it crumble to ash and sink into the ground.

I wanted to sit there and sink into the ground too, but I didn't, I kept going, I kept walking, around me people I knew continued their lives, as one by one their flesh also began to drip into the ground. Buildings continued to crumble and sink into the ground. I wanted to run to hide, to fly, to be rid of this nightmare, but something told me that there was nothing to fear.

As I walked, I noticed the sun grew larger as well. This place, this world felt like it was gone, it had emptied out everything that it did not want. I saw my friend, I wanted to scream at her, tell her to run, to hide. Her expression was one of fear. She reached out her hand, her skin pale as the midnight moon that I so long for instead of this expanding sunrise. Her skin dripped too, exposing the skeleton beneath, but that too, turned to ash. Her eyes seemed to beg me to save her. And so I did. I picked up a beautiful looking rock, so lovely, and looking once more into those bright blue eyes, I smashed the stone into her exposed skull.

The sun grew so large that it seemed to cast a shadow upon the ground, which was crumbling too, revealing soil as black as ash. And soon the sun transformed, causing the sky to become black as night, there were no stars for me. I could've sat and waited for my flesh to peel as well, to join the earth in the ashes, I could've, but I walked instead. Is that what makes me real? Am I real at all? Are you real, have you ever wondered that, are your friends, family, is this earth that you stand upon real? Is the morning sun real? And if it isn't, what then? Do you sit and wait for you to join the ashes? Are you real?


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205 Reviews


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Sat Jan 18, 2014 2:35 am
AEChronicle wrote a review...



I have to say, this was pretty good. Instantly I understood what you were talking about and the message that you were wanting to convey, which is always important in a short story, unless you throw that weird twist right at the end.

You brought up a lot of good, real life points that apply to more than just our dreams, so, while this can be classified as a sort of horror short, it's almost a realistic drama played out. You use some good descriptions, like;

"It felt as if a large hand had begun smashing into the house like a 5-year old with a lego structure."

Anyone who has ever had little siblings that played with legos will get a laugh out of this.

Something else I really like is that you just allowed some things to happy, without stopping to explain it all, as in the part where you wrote,

"As I walked, I noticed the sun grew larger as well. This place, this world felt like it was gone, it had emptied out everything that it did not want."

The reader would ask what this all meant and what was happening, but the fact that the main character just goes with it puts you inside the story, rather than just a viewer.

All in all, this was good work.

Thank you Dragon99!




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Sat Dec 21, 2013 5:27 pm
Basil says...



That was deep!! I love it! You're very skilled, and you show it well!!
But can I ask ... was this a dream??




Dragon99 says...


no, it was loosely based on a dream I had, but most of it came from my thoughts



BasiltheCat says...


Wow! Amazing!!



Dragon99 says...


and are you just stalking my portfolio?



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Fri Dec 06, 2013 5:04 pm
smile says...



i realy like it .....seems you're a skilful writer




Dragon99 says...


:) why thank you



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Wed Dec 04, 2013 10:30 pm
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EscapeToNeverland wrote a review...



Review for ‘Are you real?’
Okay so hey Dragon!! Oh and I'm reviewing this cause I want to, not cause I feel obliged. So that means this is a real review, no going easy, which also means everything I say is true.
You know how I have to start this review. And that is with a hug!! *Jump hug* :P
---------
Okay so now for my actual review......
This is a remarkable piece you've got here. It's written beautifully and has an intriguing concept. I felt as if I knew the people, like I was there watching. Or possibly even one of them? Not sure how to phrase it.

Though there are a few things you need to fix. First I think this would not look so scary if you had it in paragraphs. And secondly like most things in the world, that is written, there are a few grammatical errors. Along with a few missing words. Like:
'.....and I relieved that she was not crying, but it was her flesh that was dripping.'
It should be: '.....and I <i>was</i> relieved that she was not crying, but it was her flesh that was dripping.'

Also:
'......I turned once more to watch crumble to ash and sink into the ground.'
This should be: '......I turned <i>around</i> once more to watch <i>it</i> crumble to ash and sink into the ground.'

Another:
'.....as one by one there flesh also began to drip in to the ground.'
You use the wrong 'there' it's meant to be 'their'. I think. *Nods* Yeah I'm pretty sure that’s right.

Last one:
'....She reached out<i> his</i> hand....'
You actually said "HIS" instead of "HER". Unless of course she extends her friends hand???? Though that doesn’t seem right.

*Hugs* <----- That hug there. You see it? Feel it? That is not one of my ordinary hugs. This hug is a comforting hug. You see when I read this I feel pain and suffering. Please tell me that is just your writing skill!!!

Okay one last thing. I really like that at the end you start to question if everything is real. It's as if you're almost hoping that it's not, that it's all horrible dream that you're about to wake up from. Though, *Pokes* I think your real. A fake person could never write something like this, something with so much emotion.
Keep up the amazing writing! And good luck with it!! Talk to you later.
xxxx
~Neverland.




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Wed Dec 04, 2013 7:01 pm
MoIIylouise wrote a review...



Hello!

One thing I would say is you could break up your paragraphs a bit because although it was meaningful and quite deep, when I first saw it, I felt like a load of words had been thrown at me and I was close to closing the tab because of the overrun of words.

You've really got your thoughts down well, doing simple things like splitting paragraphs up will make it easier to read and better.

This really got me thinking, wow. It all makes sense.

~Molly Louise




Dragon99 says...


thanks:D I will do that:D



Dragon99 says...


There:D I'm not too good at paragraphs but hopefully that works



MoIIylouise says...


That makes it much easier(:



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Wed Dec 04, 2013 5:26 am
Lava wrote a review...



Hey there, dragon!

Interesting short you have here! It's a bit rough, but I'm sure you can work on polishing it, yes?!
So, anyway, my comments as I read through this:

One of the first thing that struck me was the inconsistency of using pronouns. You being with second, switch to first, then second. It doesn't add dimensions to your piece. Stick with one, and improve upon that. I get that you're trying for two voices, but somehow, the transition could be mae better.

Your routine go's around,
I think you meant goes not go's. But, even in the case of goes, the sentence is a bit awkward. I see you're trying to give a spiel on the daily routine, but try to alter your sentence structure to make it a bit more interesting.

So, on the whole, I get the effect that you're trying to go for. And in some places, you manage to get sentence that sound really well when read together. But, as I mentioned before, this needs editing. I'm sure you can work on it; and make it much better. Try to focus more centrally, instead of going all rambly with your thoughts. Collect it, and form a better link through each sentence. Another thing you can work on is employing emotions better in such a way that the readers can /feel/.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions and/or edits. :)

Cheers,
Lava




Dragon99 says...


Thanks Lav, I know its rough but if you read my description, I literally just thought up of an idea, and decided to just wing it before I lost the idea. But I agree that its rough, do you think you can show me how to use the pronouns?



Lava says...


Oh yes! I totes get the rough idea.
But I'm sure you can really expand upon this. It'll be pretty neat!

Oh yes, I can totes help with pronouns. PM me, please? Lest I forget. :)



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Wed Dec 04, 2013 5:15 am
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Okuro wrote a review...



This was good. A bit confusing, but good. It is dark and beautiful poem like story. I'm not sure what you meant from it, but what I got was that the main character is just trying to get through life, but there is so many things holding her back and so many people that are being left behind that s/he can't. The story starts off with a very powerful statement and really ties up the story with its last few sentences. I really like how you made their skin peel off. It added strong imagery and helped the reader better understand what the character felt.
I did find errors and for the sake of this review I will number each line like so:
(1)You wake up
(2)you fall into
(3)neverending cycle
...
(10)I relieved
..etc.
I did it this way so you can find them more easily. So here they are.

1) "You wake up, Your routine go's around" (1)
The issues are you need to lowercase the 'Y' in 'Your' and you misspelled 'go's' it should be 'goes'.

2) "and I relieved that she was not crying" (10)
I think you meant to say 'realized' instead of 'relieved'.

3) "and as I walked from my house, I turned once more to watch crumble to ash and sink into the ground" (13)
There are two things wrong with this sentence. One, after 'watch' you need to put 'it'. Two, you don't need a comma after house. I know you put the commas to add more emphasis as people read it, but that one is unnecessary.

4) "around me, people I knew continued there lives, as one by one there flesh also began to drip in to the ground" (16)
This one also has a few errors. One, the comma after 'me' is also unnecessary. Two, the first and second 'there' should be 'their'. The third thing is more of a personal preference, but you should consider changing 'in' to 'on' I think it helps the sentence flow better.

5) "Building continued to crumble sink into the ground" (14)
I'm not sure about thins, but I think you meant 'building' to be 'buildings' with an 's' and you can either add 'and' or a comma between 'crumble' and 'sink'.

6) "I wanted to run to hide, to fly" (15)
There should be a comma after 'run'.

7) "This place this world felt like it was gone" (16)
You forgot the comma after 'place'.

8) "She reached out his hand" (18)
The friend is a girl so 'his' should be 'hers'.

9) "and, looking once more into those bright blue eyes" (21)
The comma after 'and' shouldn't really be there.

10) "causing the sky to become black as night, There were no stars for me" (26)
The 'T' in 'There' should lowercased or the comma after 'night' should be a period.

11) "do you sit and wait for you to join the ashes"
The 'd' in 'do' should be capitalized.




Dragon99 says...


I know it sucks haha, but thanks for the review, those mistakes are really embarrassing. I'll fix them when I has time:D Also your 8 turned into a smiley face with glasses. just sayin. 8)



Okuro says...


No problem. Haha yeah I saw that, oh well. : P




A person is a fool to become a writer. His only compensation is absolute freedom. He has no master except his own soul, and that, I am sure, is why he does it.
— Roald Dahl