Published February 6, 2010
Here is chapter one of a story I have just started working on. I hope you enjoy it.
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An ancient forest was lit by glimmering white lights that hovered above a lake that was hidden in the forest. No one knew what they were, but they had been there for as long as men had dwelled in the region. The lake gleamed as the lights glow pierced its magnificent waters. A nearby village lay seemingly asleep in the cradle of the forest, but something stirred in the restless valley. A hawk soared from the village, flying towards the lake that bordered the forest. Its sharp eyes detected all, even those who wished to remain unseen. Circling in the air, it scanned the lakeshore and the underbrush.
Suddenly the creature veered from its course. He had spotted his prey. With fiery speed it dove upon the one in hiding. The bird smashed into the muddy earth. Glancing up the hawk saw a figure running into the forest. A screech of pain erupted from its beak as it folded its wings. The wings became arms, his talons grew into long, slender legs. His beak shrunk into his head and formed a face.
The boy looked up from the patch of mud cursing his horrendous aim. His blond hair was caked with dirt and grime, and his moon shaped face was bruised and cut. Standing up he looked at his chest, his red tattoo of a hawk was beginning to fade. Slowly it shrunk into a scar.
Crouching, he gazed into the forest. His eyes followed the figure who was now stumbling through the forest. He stood up, smiling at the girl who fled from him.
“She will understand soon enough,” He said peering towards the little village.
~~~
Rachel peered around the side of a tree. She looked up into the air, searching for the shape of a hawk. When it had smashed into the ground right by her head, she had ran as fast as her long legs could carry her. Still panting from the run, she rested her back against the old, haggard tree, confident she had lost her pursuer. The underbrush grew up above her ankles and made it difficult to run fast without tripping. After glancing back, seeing no one was following, she began walking towards the secluded village she lived in.
Rachel fumbled with the latch on the garden gate. She brushed the twigs out of her dark brown hair as she slid the gate door open. Quietly she slipped between the various plants, edging towards the window she had left open. Her small fingers brushed the rough, brick wall of the house until she touched the window sill. Without a sound she climbed through hoping that no one had noticed her absence.
Her feet touched her hardwood floor softly, but right as she entered a lantern was lit and she stared into the smiling face of her father. He had the same almost black hair as his daughter, but with gray touches of time. He had a tall, slim build. His deep, brown eyes seemed to see through the heart of Rachel.
“How was the lake?” He said, laughing.
She stared at him for a moment trying to decide whether to tell him about the attack.
“It was beautiful. Mom would have loved to see it,” She said, smiling sheepishly.
“Yes she would have, but you should get to bed,” He said, ruffling the hair of his fifteen year old daughter.
Rachel nodded, and he blew out the lantern on his way out of her small room. It was furnished with her bed, a nightstand that held a lantern, and a desk that was overflowing with stories and old ideas. She slipped into some a woolen nightgown, and climbed into her bed.
She turned over looking at the window still trying to think of what could have nose dived into the mud. She gazed intently at the forest she had come out of, then something burst from the trees, speeding over the village. The shrill cry of a hawk echoed through the air.
A thud on the roof brought chills down her spine. The scraping of talon across the shingles did not ease the tension. Suddenly the steps became heavier, and she jumped from her bed. The sound grew nearer to her window as she fled from her room.
“Father, something is after me!” She cried, running down the hall and into his room.
She collapsed in her fathers arms when she entered his plainly decorated room. She glanced up at his concerned face wishing now she would have told him about what happened at the lake. He stood up embracing her.
“Now, what is all this about?” He asked, lovingly.
“Something is on the roof, I think it followed me from the lake,” She said, trembling.
“You mean the hawk? I heard it outside. It probably just landed on our rood,” He said, looking at the ceiling like he would see it through the roof.
“It attacked me at the lake too. It fell into the mud right in front of me,” She said, looking back at her window.
Peering into her fathers face she could see he was deep in thought.
“He has found you, after all these years he returns to us,” Her father muttered as if in a trance.
“Father! What are you talking about?” She cried.
He came out of his distant state and answered, “You have to go, now!”
“Father, what is going on?” She said, beginning to cry.
“There is no time for explanation. You must go! Not to the woods, go to Kasch, three miles west towards the valley. I will meet you there,” He said, opening his ground level window.
“I don’t understand,” She said
“Go now! To Kasch now!” He cried, pushing her through the window.
She crawled through the window and sprinted west. Not daring to look back she ran as fast as she could.
~~~
“Listen, old man. Where did she go? I want answers now!” Kade shouted.
The frightened man trembled as he backed to the wall.
“She hasn’t been here since lunch,” Andor said, trying to sound calm.
“I don’t want any games. I’ve searched for her since she was born! Now tell me where she’s going, or, I swear, I will gut you like a pig,” He spat.
“I told you, I don’t know,” He cried.
“Brave move. When I find her, I’m going to tell her how you begged for mercy as I cut your throat,” Kade said flashing a knife.
Andor dove to the side grabbing a dagger from his nightstand. Kade’s smirked and mover forward. Andor leaped to meet his opponent, but Kade stepped aside and kicked him in the ribs. The old man lay near the wall grabbing his side. Kade slowly approached the groaning man. Violently lifting him by his collar he held him in the air and viciously plunged the metal blade through his abdomen.
The lifeless body hit the ground, blood oozing from under his shirt.
“Humans, think they are brave. I’ve seen squirrels put up better fights,” Kade muttered to himself.
He knelt to the ground, his arms shrinking into brown, feathery wings. Soon he was flying in the quiet night air. He cursed himself for not nabbing her at the lake. Deciding he would search in the morning he turned east towards the green country of his people.
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140,808 Literary Works • 673,689 Reviews
I rather liked it. I thought your story was well written and your plot was very interesting. I would love to see what you have next.
As requested, here I am, reviewing your story without mercy.
Well,may I reword this a little as review? Click the spoilers for my review of your errors, it is going to be a wall of text if I don't do this.
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1.Again, don't use "the" when you have not mentioned it before.
2.Using the word "creature" first make the reader unsure of what that creature is, so when you say "the hawk later, the reader will be confused.
3.Maybe I am just too nitty-picky, but avoid repeating the same word in 2 sentences continuously.
4.Same with #1, although you mention about the hawk 'pray', saying "the figure running into the forest" will make people confused at first.
5.When writing in 3rd person view, it is quite awkward to describe something happening "inside" another being. Better describe the sign of pain or the expression of the hawk boy, like a cry of pain, or the grimace of the face.
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1."Backed away" is mainly used when you retreated from an activity, or a threat that is right before you and you walking backward,facing it, hence the word. Also, if someone is already on the run, that person would not facing what he/she trying to escape from, and running backward. So I think that word is not the best to use.
2.This is not quite an error, just that i think you meant "fast", not "far", since you can run far without tripping if you are careful, but if you run fast, you will trip for sure.
3.Need an conjunction for better words and ideas flow.
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**To where? You say "she quietly slipped between the various plants", but you don't say where she was going to.But, with the same reason above, I think I might be too hard on this.
***If you saying "side of the house", you are implying that there is only one side of the house is made from brick.
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I add "suddenly" and "then" to give a sense of action going on. "Echoed" instead of "thundered" because it is more close to the sound effect of the cry of a hawk. "Thundered" is for something with lower voice. Not softer, but lower.
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Conclusion: An very interesting first chapter, it is capable of catching attention at first time reading through. The only downside is that the logic error, which could easily be fix. Good luck on your writing, I will be waiting for more.
Thanks for all the advice and compliments. I am going to be working on the next chapter soon.
Excellent chapter my friend! You described everything so vividly, I love it! All of the minor mistakes have been taken care of in the posts before mine. It draws you in with your words. I eagerly await the next chapter in this soon to be hit series! I hope this review helped.
Well, I think Kaedee's pointed out any previous mistakes, so I digress. It was brilliant! I especially loved how mysterious you made it - the reason behind Kade's pursuit of Rachel, and the hawk. (I love hawks! Hee hee.) Other than that, there was a stylistic problem I found with one line, so I should point it out:
The lake shimmered in its magnificence as the light’s glow pierced the water.
The two lines before it focus on the lights, so the sudden change of focus to the 'lake' is a bit...well. All you need to do is rephrase it so the focus is on the lights, not the lake, get what I'm saying? Sorry if I sound a little nit-picky...
Robyn.
You did a great job. The story was captivating. You were very descriptive. I found it hard to find any problems; the ones I found are mostly more minor.
You need a comma after 'said'...you did this more than once.Corrections:
It ought to be 'year-old'.
You need more commas; or perhaps you should break this into more than one sentence. For example: 'She turned over looking at the window. She was still thinking on the creature that nose dived into the mud.' Perhaps that would be better?
It would read better like this: 'She glanced up at his concerned face, wishing now that she had told him about the bird.'
Apostrophe needed.
'Brave move' would read better as separate sentence.
Unneeded comma.
Keep up the good work! I will be looking forward to reading the next chapter-
Kaedee
Wow. I am deeply stunned at this work. The detailing was phenomenal and every word gave me a picture in my mind. I'm not the best critic so I can't edit but I do suggest lengthening the chapters. Please continue this further. It is a great story I am looking forward to reading.