Be me.
I am sitting
at a library computer
playing Club Penguin.
A white penguin
dominates
the leaderboard
and
leaves all the opponents
in non existent
dust.
I cheer
since nothing goes on
in my life.
A girl
stares at me,
she's on
the computer
to the left.
She can probably
smell my armpits
since I haven't washed them
in over
two weeks.
I'm natural
but I don't
don dreadlocks
since I can't
save the
environment.
She tips her fedora.
I freak out,
start screaming
in her face.
I can't be oppressed.
I grab the copy
of
Please Kill Me
and head out the door.
I left my Club Penguin on,
and my thirty three
tabs
of social media.
I run back,
and shriek.
She continues ranting.
She shrieks too.
Everybody shrieks.
My world collapses.
So did my grandma,
but
Life Alert can't
save her.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey there, DrWriter99999, and welcome to the wonderful world of YWS! cleverclogs here representing team Phi on this lovely Review Day!
This poem is really interesting. I actually love analyzing poetry when I'm not doing it for homework or whatever, and this proves to be quite a challenge. The beginning is easier to understand than the end, I think. It starts off as sort of a wry observation on something that I can't quite place, but then it degrades into "I have no idea what's happening". "I have no idea what's happening" is not a good place for your readers to be.
This poem starts losing its touch once it starts talking about shrieking. I don't think there would be as much of a problem with it if it didn't happen so dang quickly. But the thing is, one minute there's thirty three tabs of social media, and the next everybody is shrieking, and I don't really understand how we ended up there. If you could explain a bit more and take some more time to flesh that out, it might be better.
I'm not a huge fan of the way you split up your lines. I think they're too short as they are, and it makes the flow of the poem a bit choppy. Try experimenting with longer lines; it might look more professional.
I do agree with IronSpark in that there are some things that might be reference that not everybody will get. I was really confused at the tipping of the fedora, the Life Alert, and the Please Kill Me. I think you could reach a wider audience by taking these things away.
To summarize, this starts well, with a nice satirical tone. I almost think this belongs in the "satire" category. This does not end the same way as it starts, and that's the main thing for you to work on. Keep on writing!
Hey, Artemis here with a friendly review for the Final Countdown! Go Team Zenith
*throws confetti* Oh, welcome to Young Writers Society. I hope you like it here! 
Like Fortis said below, I can't really seem to understand this. The shrieking was kind of like um, overreaction? The last stanza was strange as well, and I kind of felt it irrelevant. The thirty-three tabs of social media was a little bit I understood, but I didn't get this other than that.
Would you mind explaining it to me? Thanks a lot if you do! I'm sure that when I get this, it'll be great!
-Artemis28
Hey there.
"be me" ew no I don't want to be someone who hasn't had a shower in two weeks no thanks.
So this poem kinda devolved into... shrieking? It was very over-dramatic, which was probably the point.
The first stanza (not the first line) is so amazingly commonplace, but it flows pretty well. It's pretty good, actually, though I do wonder what sort of class allows students to play club penguin and cheer and run out the door and shriek without getting yelled at by the teacher. Oh and wearing hats in school? Who's heard of that? Unrealistic.
ummm... it's hard to review this because honestly I don't know what it's trying to accomplish. If it's just to be strange, then yes, you've accomplished that with flying colors.
I really like the last stanza for some weird reason. I can't put my finger on it. :p
All those tabs of social media made me laugh because I can relate.
I don't know how the title relates to this poem whatsoever.
Honestly, I think the easiest way to help you with this would be if you asked me questions like, "did X accomplish Y?" and I could tell you yes or no. Because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be getting out of this story.
Hopefully what I've told you so far can help a little anyway.
Keep writing!
~fortis
Introduction:
Happy Review Day, Dr. Writer! (Nice username, by the way.) I can't wait to review this piece. New YWSers often have the most novel work, and this is an excellent example of that.
Well, let's get started. Ready? Set? Go!
Content (Short):
This piece is refreshingly raw. It spills the narrators thoughts out onto the page, thick with his/her experiences and hopes and dreams. It's seemingly a series of random images, but the end ties it up beautifully. In this review, I'm just going to be sharing a few suggestions about where you should elaborate.
Content (By-Line):
I do like this decision, to include the writing in italics, but it doesn't show up again until a couple stanzas later. I'd make this a consistent feature--a throbbing glimpse into the the narrator's mind.
I like this line, but I feel like you could take more out of it. Earlier, you talk about playing Club Penguin, but you never really speak of this again. Maybe say something like "I've been playing for a year", or "I shouldn't be playing it now that I'm 14", etc., to give us a glimpse into the narrator's daily life.
I'd love for you to elaborate on this. It seems the computer is a metaphor for how the narrator spends his time vs. how other people spend their time. So what's she doing? Probably not playing Club Penguin. I'd love to see the socio-cultural contrast here.
I think this speaks to a deeper truth--the narrator's feeling of helplessness in this big world, and his total inadequacy next to the larger players. Lots of us experience this, and this is an excellent metaphor expressed in excellent terms. Thank you for sharing.
Is this a reference to Club Penguin, or something else? It confused me, and (if it is a reference to Club Penguin) I think it will confuse some of your other readers, too. Just keep in mind that when you write a poem, you should try to (except for in specific cases) write it for the widest audience possible.
"Please Kill Me", again, seems like too obscure a reference for this poem's wider audience.
I like this, but "thirty three tabs of social media" deserves its own stanza, or at least its own line. Tell us more about this compulsive need to share his/her (the narrator's) life / to observe the lives of others. This is one of the most complex metaphors here, and I really want to see it explored deeper.
Continuity error, I think. This was never mentioned in the earlier lines, and (if something like it was), "ranting" doesn't quite fit here. She would need to be observed whining for a longer time than what you've said here.
Like I said before, I want more of these italics--maybe between stanzas.
I love this reference. It's absolutely amazing and captivating and heartbreaking.
Three Things to Think About:
1. Elaborate! You're excellent at creating metaphors, and I'd love to see you reference them more. It's truly a gift you have there.
2. Read it out loud. I tell this to everyone--inexperienced and experienced. Reading your poem out loud helps you check for fluidity and grammatical errors. Maybe it'll even inspire you to elaborate in some places.
3. Believe in yourself. I truly believe that you're a gifted writer, and the more you put yourself out there, the more you can achieve. Continue expressing yourself in writing and share it with the world.
Sign-Off:
This poem was raw and absolutely brilliant.
As we say in my hometown, don't forget to be awesome.
IronSpark