That's big, Angel thinks to themself as they gaze at the massive object through the viewport of their ship.
The strange object stretches from one side of the viewport to the other. It's surface is smooth, light grey, crisscrossed with yellow, glowing lines. Hovering above it are dozens of moons, their surfaces the same as the object itself.
Angel presses a button on the touch-screen interface installed on their arm, activating the long-range surface scanners on his ship.
Alright, they think to themself. Lets see what you've- the hell?
They stares at the interface in bafflement, running it three more times before realizing it's not broken. The scanner just... Doesn't see it.
They flicks the long range scanners off, turning on the radio-burst scanners. Still nothing, not even a blip. They go still, as they gaze back out at the object.
"Well that's odd." They say to themself out loud. They walk to the pilots seat, flicking on manual control as they buckle in. They take the controls in their hands, listening to the hum of the inertia mufflers turning on as they fly closer towards the mysterious object.
Angel watches the scanners closely as they approach. Nothing. It soon occurs to Angel that the gravity sensors are picking up nothing, and the object doesn't seem to be getting closer. They stop the ship, thinking for a few seconds before flicking the long range scanners back on.
Angel slowly adjusts the scanners, increasing the range at the cost of power. One-hundred kilometers. Two, five, one-thousand kilometers. Still nothing. After a moment of deliberation they shift range to half a light-year. Almost instantly the scanner lights up. They stare at the screen, almost certain this had to be wrong. They run several repair programs, but the result stays the same. That thing is half a light-year away, yet it takes up the entire viewport and more.
Meaning it has to be many, many, many lightyears long.
Angel instantly stands up, starting to pace around the bridge. Their heart pounds, as they stare out the viewport at the incomprehensibly large object. Their mind races, trying to justify the existence of this thing, but it fails.
Suddenly, the entire ship starts shaking. Angel is thrown to the ground, as the titanic thing starts to move. The yellow lines shift and move, darting across its surface, before converging into a single ring with a dot in the middle. An eye. Angel realizes, with a sense of horror that this thing isn't some object. It's alive.
And it sees them.
The eye stares right at them. Angel feels it's stare weigh on them. The ship creaks and the hull groans as Angel feels the things gaze pierce their very soul. After what feels like an eternity, the creature starts to... Leave. The things eye vanishes, letting Angel breath again. Angel holds their breathe as the entire creature seems to move. The textures on the surface moves and twists, the body pulling itself apart into several round objects, just like the ones that had been orbiting the creature. All the round things start to shrink, eventually vanishing into nothing, the creature just... Vanishing.
Slowly, Angel finds the strength to pull themself off the floor. They lean against their seat, collapsing into it and staring at the ceiling as they struggle to comprehend what they've just seen. It feels like their missing something, something massive, larger even then what they remember seeing. Yet they can't remember. They feel their mind hiding it, covering up, doing everything within its power to pretend it can't remember. Almost desperately.
Slowly, Angel press a button to engage the warp-engine with a shaky hand. They randomly select a system, not caring where they go so long as it isn't here.
The engine starts with a hum throughout the ship, and they feel the ship start to move. They lean back in their seat, as their body reacts to the warp travel and starts to fall asleep.
The last thing they feels, before their mind drifts off to nothing, is the feeling of being watched, as if the creature is still staring at them from out of sight, staring right into their soul and body.
Gone. Unseen. Yet still watching. Still staring.
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140,075 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Technically my second story here, but may as well be my first. Hope you like it, I was thinking about eldritch horror stuff randomly and thought that i could make a decent story with that, and remembered i could!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the gaunt S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Angel, a cyborg, finds a mysterious ship…but they soon find out that the ship isn’t a ship, but a creature! The creature leaves without doing anything to Angel, but who is to stay that it will stay put? What if it comes back? Angel has to be prepared…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - You put an s at the end of “stare” when Angel is staring at the creature, but that is just one little thing.
Chocolate Bar - I love how you described the horror Angel feels when they see the creature, it’s so immersive and it really feels like the exact reaction someone would have to such a sight. I can see that there are other stories that connect to this and I will be certain to read them. Angel seems like an interesting character and I will be sure to learn more about them.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a wonderful short story about the horrors that lurk in space. I sure do hope that Angel will be alright and that they won’t get hurt, but I doubt it in these circumstances. I am excited to see how they will deal with all of this and with that being said…
I wish you an amazing day/night! ^v^
TLDR: I like your story, its very good. Its clear you put a lot of thoughts into this as the themes play together very well and the science fiction setting supports the horror by lending it scale. One of my favorite things I read on here so far, and I hope to see more soon. Although you can still improve on some minor things like cutting unnecessary parts.
This a a good piece of horror writing and gets a lot done in its few paragraphs.
The horror in this story is hard to describe, its a mix of the fear of the unknown/incomprehensible similar to Lovecraftian horror but far more grounded in the physical realm. I mean something that big is just scary because, you know ,its big. Even if this next simple phrase does not do your writing justice, something big is scary because it can kill us. Something that big sends us the implicit threat of it could kill you, easily.
The Scify elements I would consider secondary, you could tell the basic story in a fantasy or even a realistic setting. Someone meets something incomprehensibly big and it turns out its alive. BUT the scify elements do amplify the horror presented here.
We all know space if big and empty so an object which seems BIG in this vast emptiness evokes more horror then something big on a planet because there we think in relation to mountains or continents whilst in space the true vastness of what you describe can fully come to bear.
The other way the scify setting plays into the horror is that you setup a believable scientific world in your first few paragraphs. You go into seemingly needless technological detail, about how short range scanners work of radio waves or how power is being redirected to use long range scanners. This makes the reader think in a rational way, expecting a science fiction story which follows rules and scientific logic.
By getting the reader into this mindset you setup the next stage of the story, the reveal if you will. The reveal starts by realizing how massive the thing is. Which then leads into some classic lovecraftian madness "Their mind races, trying to justify the existence of this thing, but it fails." Is a brilliant piece of writing and could very well be from Lovecraft itself.
The next paragraph is I think the weakest part of the writing here. Its by no means bad but it could be faster. The reveal here is what basically makes this a horror text, that its alive and watching our main character. This sense of doom is captured well here by "It's alive. And it sees them." Especially because "And it sees them." Is its own paragraph giving it more importance in the readers mind which then leads to speculation about why being seen by this thing is so significant, which then leads us to believe it means the main character is in danger.
But the writing before this, in my opinion, softens the blow a bit by being bloated. The faster you can get to this piece of great writing the harder the horror is going
to hit the reader. Consider trimming the paragraph to something like this:
"Suddenly, the entire ship starts shaking. Angel is thrown to the ground, as the titanic thing starts to move. The yellow lines shift and move before converging into an eye. Angel realizes, with a sense of horror that this thing isn't some object. It's alive.
And it sees them."
Then again, I couldn't trim much from the paragraph so it changes little and some people might find more horror in a slow reveal.
The next few paragraphs expand well on the horror after the initial reveal. First you assign even more significance to the creatures stare by saying it "weigh(s) on them" and "(the)gaze pierce(d) their very soul". This makes us further wonder about this thing and what it might do.
Then you make it clear that despite being in a science fiction story this creature is beyond physics by it just vanishing. Then you lean into classic lovecraft again by showing how incomprehensible this creature really is "It feels like their missing something, something massive, larger even then what they remember seeing." This further invites the reader to wonder and worry about what this creature could have been. Seeing as the main character can't even comprehend it fully and seems to repress the memory instantly.
The last bit of horror this story gives us is that the character is still being watched by the creature or maybe they are just so traumatized by the encounter they think they are. This suggests to us that whilst the encounter may be over, this will have long lasting consequences. I personally think you could cut the last paragraph "Gone. Unseen. Yet still watching. Still staring." It doubles down on something which is said, in my opinion, with more grace in the paragraph before and seems out of place.
Whoa this has gotten kind of long. If you read all this I wanna say again great story, its clear you put a lot of taught into this. I could actually say still say more about this. The character name Angel for example was probably not picked on accident, someone named Angel meeting something incomprehensible huge and mighty which stares into there soul. But honestly this review has become too long to be useful so I will end this here and a TLDR at the top. This was one of my favorite stories I read on this site so far, thanks for writing it. BUT there is a spelling mistake in the second to last paragraph "The last thing they feels" it should be feel literally unreadable.
Also in my review I forgot to mention how you use vagueness to invite the reader to conjure up what they think is the most dreadful scenario in many places throughout the text.