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Young Writers Society



Typhoon - Chapter 2 (2)

by ExOmelas


Helen's shoulders sagged as her parents finally drove off. Encouraging them to keep calm around Bill was not easy when Bill had a tendency to turn every word into a shout, every gesture into a sweeping wave of his arm as if he was making a speech, encompassing his great nation. But they bore their discomfort well, as they had every family get together since that brief furore at the wedding.

Today had been especially important. Eric, and the rest of the family, had barely stopped smiling the entire time after he'd got in. And even before then there'd been this bubbling in everyone's guts that was too distracting to be annoyed by everyone else's little ticks and habits. And when he had arrived his stories were listened to with attentiveness, supportive strokes of the back when needed, and were responded to with tales of the home front.

She had hoped the grandparents would have got to spend a little more time with Josie, but they did have to get back to take a roast chicken out of the oven. Still, with them gone, it gave the remaining members of the Alexander clan the chance to reunite Eric with the most important family member.

As soon as the grandparents had been seen off, Helen turned to Bill. “You get the door.”

He nodded and pulled the door shut behind them as they led Eric down the porch steps and across the stepping stones.

They were halfway down the garden path before Eric managed to splutter, “Um, where exactly are we going?”

“No time to explain,” Helen said.

“Shouldn’t we wait for Josie to get back from the bathroom?” Eric asked.

“No time to wait,” Bill replied.

Eric was silent for a few moments, then just said, “Alright, sure, whatever you say.”

They reached the back garden and marched down the garden path, stopping at the play shed.

“Oh,” Eric said.

Helen reached forward and took a chunky orange key – a suitably whimsical yet functional children’s toy – then carefully slid it into the lock. She turned the key, then carefully, quietly, pushed the door open.

Of course, this looked absurd, because the door was made of bright red wood and was about a foot shorter than Helen. She must look like a character from Alice in Wonderland. But it was important not to spook Dragon, even if he was significantly less energetic in his reactions these days.

Dragon was standing right at the door, his blanket cast off in a heap behind him. His bright purple eyes were open wide, already pleading with her for something. They contrasted so sharply with his deep green scales that they looked like little purple rays of fire. She hadn’t seen them this bright in months, years even.

“Hi, Dragon,” she said, “I’ve got someone special to see you.”

Dragon yelped and wagged his tail, which was still half under the blanket and ended up waving the thing about all over the place. Helen stepped out the way and let Eric take her place. She was stuck behind his much taller form, but the howl from Dragon said it all. Eric sprang forward into the shed, crouched down as far as he could go without falling over. Dragon descended upon him and began, very methodically, to lick every area of exposed skin and hair he could find on Eric’s body.

“Oh, boy, I missed you too!” Eric crowed, toppling over onto his haunches and leaning back against Dragon’s tail.

Eric had to leave the shed after a moment; it was barely big enough for Dragon to fit in by himself to hide during the day. At night he could sneak out by nudging the bolt of the lock from the inside – the cleverness of dragons really wasn’t fabled – but during the day he was confined indoors, just in case anyone happened to be looking out from their windows. Josie and Eric had taught him all of this, and he’d obeyed every word of their commands.

But there were some emotions too strong for orders to withstand. As Eric stepped back, Dragon instinctively padded forward to follow him.

“Back, boy,” Eric said, frowning firmly and pointing towards the interior of the shed.

Dragon glanced over his shoulder, but whined and didn’t move.

“I got it, I got it,” Josie said, brushing past between Helen and Bill.

Helen figured she was going to try the same thing Eric had, probably still used to being the only one Dragon would listen to. But instead she placed her hand softly on one of the ridges that ran from Dragon’s eye to his horn and closed her eyes. Dragon tilted his head to the side, his brow furrowing. But finally he nodded, and shuffled back into the shed. Josie followed him in and gave him a quick kiss on the temple, then rejoined the rest of the family on the grass outside.

There were a few lawn chairs – thin but solid wooden frames – assembled in a semi-circle that was completed by the shed. With the door open, they could continue to keep Dragon involved if he peeked his head out every so often from under the blanket.

But right now, the attention was all on Josie.

***

“What in the world was all that about?” Eric asked. His face looked a little pale to Bill, and he barely glanced at Josie as he addressed her.

“It’s a dragon communication theory I learned about in MacAlpine’s class,” she explained. She looked up and noticed Eric’s frown. “And don’t worry, I know how to teach you too! Basically, I can talk to Dragon. I think. I assume if it works once it will work every time. That was my first time. I’m actually very excited that worked.”

“You got him to go back in the shed by…?” Helen prompted.

“By reasoning with him,” Josie said, “I told him we weren’t going anywhere, that Eric isn’t going anywhere, are you Eric?”

Eric looked up from staring at his shoes and smiled at her, a little colour coming back to his cheeks. “Of course not. Dragon, I’m not going anywhere!”

“You want me to teach you, right?” Josie asked.

Eric raised both hands like he was surrendering. “Maybe tomorrow. Let’s just talk for a bit.”

Josie nodded, but didn’t present any conversational topics. Helen was busy staring from brother to sister to dragon to sister to brother. So Bill figured this was his time to shine. He normally clammed up around the subject of Dragon, whom they hadn’t thought to tell him about until he’d come home from Fife for a weekend a month after his discovery. Even then they’d told him in soft, soothing tones, as if they were worried about how he would react.

“How’s university, Josie?” he asked. “The non-dragon related parts that is.”

“Good, good,” Josie said, “Got some exams coming up in December but not too many this semester. There’s a guy in one of my classes that’s getting kind of annoying. Eric, do you remember Callum MacKenzie?”

Eric closed one eye and bit his lip. “Yes? My year at school, somewhat long hair, wee bit on the pudgy side?”

“That’s the one,” Josie said. “He keeps trying to get me to put in a good word with this lecturer. I think he wants to join his class or something.”

“Bad enough to stalk you?” Bill asked, “That must be some class.”

“Oh it is,” Josie said, her gaze darting in Dragon’s direction. Bill decided not to ask further questions.

They passed a little while longer sitting in the cold November sun, waiting for it to set. As twilight began to encroach properly, the two kids stepped briefly inside the shed to say goodbye to Dragon, then chatted with linked arms the whole way up the garden path and back around the house.

Bill sidled up next to them as Helen unlocked the door. “How are you feeling now, Eric?”

“Happy,” Eric said, “This new development is… interesting… but I’m still very happy.”


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Fri May 10, 2019 10:18 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Bisc, every time there's a lull, you have to bring up something interesting xD

Also once thing I am entirely curious about is how they managed to train Dragon (so that's his name I suppose?) When he was younger I can imagine he had less discipline? I wonder if there were any shenanigans? Or burnt stuff ;) And he's just so adorable I *might* go looking for dragon larvae if I were adventurous xD Also I am sooo suspicious of that guy who is trying to get Josie's dragon class. I feel like he has Bad Intentions.

I'm a huge fan of the way you characterized the shed as Alice-in-Wonderland-esque. So cool! I dig it very very much and it might be my favorite description so far. It's very evocative and I can totally imagine it in my head and it also feels like it fits the story quite a bit. Some lightheartedness in the war looming behind them.

Ooh, so what Josie did was really cool. For a moment I thought it was something only Josie could do but apparently not! I'm looking forward to see what else she'd have learned. But Eric calling it a new development somehow sounded funny even though I'm aware it's big. I think it's because she just did that and then Dragon responded and it didn't feel like there was enough oomph here. So I did feel underwhelmed about the telepathy. I know it's a mental thing but given that all three have a bond is it possible that it may also have affected the Eric/Dragon bond. Hmm...but I can't really expect it since Eric isn't the POV character here. Still I am curious to see how it'll develop.

Other than that that's all I've got to say! I hope this is helpful, and as always, let me know if there's anything you want to talk about :D

-Ink




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Wed May 08, 2019 3:28 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Bisc! I can finally post this. :P

Small Comments

“No time to explain,” Helen said.

“Shouldn’t we wait for Josie to get back from the bathroom?” Eric asked.

“No time to wait,” Bill replied.


I don't really get why they're so urgent about it. It also feels unfair that they don't wait for Josie, given that she seemed to be really looking forward to seeing Eric meet Dragon again.

She must look like a character from Alice in Wonderland.


I'm not really sure why you put a 'must' here. You could've just said that she looked like a character from Alice in Wonderland - no need to mitigate it.

But finally he nodded, and shuffled back into the shed.


I find it a little weird that he nods. That's a very human gesture. Unless he learns from and imitates human gestures, but I suppose you'd have to mention that.

Overall Thoughts

Dragon is really cute. I like that he's not at all like most dragons in fiction - except perhaps Toothless - and instead acts really silly and puppy-ish. I'd maybe be careful not to make him too transparently dog-like, because I think it would be a waste not to create trademark dragon behaviours - his way of expressing excitement, for example, could be more individual than him just wagging his tail. I want him to feel more like an unfamiliar creature. I think that'd just make him seem even more special.

Josie's magic is interesting, but I hope we learn much more about how it operates. You know from Posies that I like my magic systems to be intricate (maybe too intricate!!), so I'd be interested to learn if there's a proper theory behind it. She is learning it at university, so I think it'd be fitting if there was a real craft to it, something academics love to get their teeth in. But we shall see!

At the risk of repeating myself, we still feel like we're in a more expository, setting-the-plot up stage. Eric's come home, Josie's learning magic, Dragon is safe and sound in his shed. We know the setting, the time period, the characters. But where's our plot? I trust it's coming, and as we were chatting about, this is only a first draft, so feel free to meander. BUT I feel like I have to mention that, by this stage of the story, I feel like we should've had some kind of inciting incident - at least a preliminary one. The main inciting incident doesn't necessarily have to happen for a while. In Harry Potter, for instance, he doesn't find out he's a wizard 'til a few chapters in, but the stuff with the glass vanishing and the letters arriving happens pretty soon in. There's a mystery. The reader needs to have some question that they want answered. If Josie came home with unusual abilities and refused to acknowledge that she had them, then we'd have a mystery. Ya see what I mean.

Nevertheless, there's always a warm, cosy feel to reading this and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes. Once the inciting incident does happen, I'm sure we're in for a treat.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




ExOmelas says...


hmm okay so i was thinking that josie having new abilities would be a plot point in itself. i think given that specification we're probably looking at a big problem arising at the end of chapter 3, and the characters developing an aim at the end of chapter 4 (though not one with admittedly that high stakes). Then the danger from chapter 3 starts to build momentum from there. The stuff that's happening atm basically is what makes it possible for the danger at the end of chapter 3 to happen... i'll figure it out xD



ExOmelas says...


also, do you think it would help if "chapter 1" was described as a prologue, since it's just establishing the context of the story? i was worried about it being so long for a prologue but the principle of it not containing a plot point might be more important



Panikos says...


It definitely feels more like a prologue than a chapter one, imo. I wouldn't worry about it being too long, though you can certainly trim it. It's no longer than the prologues in Game of Thrones, anyhow :P



ExOmelas says...


alright, in that case consider the chapter you've just finished chapter 1. Do you think that would be any better for the pacing? or would the classification not make that much difference since it's still the same amount of words?



Panikos says...


I think it's still the same amount of reading so it wouldn't make a massive difference. In an ideal world I'd still like a bit more mystery in chapter 1, a bit more sense of conflict. Everything just feels quite safe and good. Eric's glad to be home, Josie is enjoying uni and learning magic but there's nothing taboo about that (what's the legal status of magic?), Dragon is happy and safe and has been for over a decade, and the family is in a good state. There's not really a hint of how things are going to change, if you get what I mean? Stuff doesn't have to be uber dramatic from the off, but there should be a kinda...unease? Some suspense. And it would only have to come from something fairly small, this early on.



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Sat May 04, 2019 9:36 pm
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RandomVanGloboii wrote a review...



Yep, much better now!
It all gives a pleasant sense of family that makes me feel warm. I'm not a fan of dragons acting like pets but I can see where the story is going now.
My sensation is that it would be better if you posted the chapters wholly in one submission because the fact they're framed gives me the sensation that some detail is always missing. Still, I'm new here and I don't know if it is something related to the points you consume when submitting something. But you could anticipate a little more the explanations of what happened, at least it's what I feel




ExOmelas says...


yeah it's mostly because people prefer to read shorter chapters. it leads to some bloody ridiculous chapter splits sometimes but it's better than having something 2500 words sitting around not getting reviewed for months at a time :/

the dragon is acting like a pet mostly because like... i just want to find something new to do with dragons? there's sooo many dragon stories. i'm also thinking that maybe because they live so long their life stages could last longer. so it could be more like this is the dragon version of being a small child. still having a think about some worldbuilding stuff



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Thu May 02, 2019 10:19 pm
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @DougalOfBiscuits I am here to yet do another review on your work here.

What line I really like here

Helen's shoulders sagged as her parents finally drove off.
Okay so I just want to say that this was a grate place to start the chapter of from were we left in the other chapter I think.

Encouraging them to keep calm around Bill was not easy when Bill had a tendency to turn every word into a shout, every gesture into a sweeping wave of his arm as if he was making a speech, encompassing his great nation.
I am going to say that this line I think was two true about boys sometimes, I thought this was a funny line, to look at and read, But to say the most I love this line and i think its very funny, and I don't think that anything needs to be changed.

And when he had arrived his stories were listened to with attentiveness, supportive strokes of the back when needed, and were responded to with tales of the home front.
This line for some reason seamed sad, but I don't want you to change anything, it just reminds me of the time when mom sat us on a chair and she read story's and things to us wile we listened to her.

They were halfway down the garden path before Eric managed to splutter, “Um, where exactly are we going?”

I thought this was something dangers so Eric should have just turned back and not followed Bill.

Dragon was standing right at the door, his blanket cast off in a heap behind him.
Hm Some thing going on here me thinks, again I like this line very much.

So that is all that I can say about this chapter, So keep up the good work, I look forward to hearing another chapter. :D So I hope you have a nice Day/Night See Ya Biscuits.

@EagleFly Out To Seek And Kill




ExOmelas says...


thanks again for the review Eagle!! :D



Dossereana says...


Your welcome, I really like reading your works. :D



ExOmelas says...


<3



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Thu May 02, 2019 12:03 pm
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you, on this lovely day. I am also going to do my bet to get this work out the green room for you.

Okay let's begin.

So let me say this was a very well chapter and I loved everything about it. But I did find one little mistake.

Oh, boy, I missed you too!” Eric crowed, toppling over onto his haunches and leaning back against Dragon’s tail.

Now the word in bold is what needs to be fixed. Now I'm sure Eric should be saying hello, instead of oh. If not then it works anyway.

Well that was all I could see out of the whole chapter. I really like the characters so far, they are really easy going, and fun to get to know. I do hope we will find out more about them in the later chapters.
Your description is also really good to, it has a rather good flow to it, when ever I read it, there for making it a much better read.
Another thing I have see with your writing is how much you are improving. I have read a little of your last book, and how I am reading this one. And the writing has gotten so much better, so you should be really proud of yourself.

Well that's it from me for now. I'm glad I have the chance to read and review this for you. I look forward to the next chapter. See don't ever stop writing and have an amazing day or night.

Your friend and faithful reader.
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




ExOmelas says...


thanks for the review! :D





I'm glad I could help! :D




'Tis the season to shovel enormous amounts of watermelon into your mouth while hunched over the cutting board like a dehydrated vampire that hasn't fed on blood in four hundred years and the only viable substitute is this questionable Christmas-colored fruit.
— Ari11